Author: Charlotte B. Thomason

I hold a Master of Science in Social Work from the University of Texas at Austin and a Master of Arts in Apologetics, Emphasis in Cultural Apologetics from Houston Baptist University. I also hold a Bachelor of Arts in Social Work from Graceland University. With over 30 years of experience in foster care and social work, I have a wealth of experience from which to draw as I offer guidance to women in their journey of healing. I have seen, both professionally and personally the devastation created by child abuse. My writing also reflects my personal journey to healing.

What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance.

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance. The first element, nonintrusive monitoring, allows the child some element of freedom to explore their environment. For example, baby monitors allow the child freedom to experiment with language, to explore the crib or playpen without the physical presence of the parent. As the child grows, the parent may allow the child to play in the backyard while watching from the kitchen window.  The observing parent watches with readiness to intervene if the child wanders outside the boundaries of the yard.  The child may occasionally look at the kitchen window for reassurance of the parent’s oversight of their activities, but perhaps only when they attempt to move outside the limits set by the parent. According to the Johnson study, the early interactions between parent and child regarding monitoring often predict the degree of self-disclosure by the child during adolescence. The study found that “parental knowledge of a child’s whereabouts was largely based on child-self disclosure stating that “a warm parent-child relationship was associated with increased child self-disclosure.”[1]

Be Flexible

Secondly, a flexible discipline that changes with the developmental level of the child promotes confidence and independence.  In Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline and Jim Fay assert, “as children grow, they move from being concrete thinkers to being abstract thinkers when they are teens. Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits.”[2] Implementing age-appropriate natural and logical consequences at each developmental stage while “encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control.”[3]  Gradually, as the child develops, the effective parent offers the child age and developmentally appropriate choices rather than just demanding a particular behavior, so that in their teen years the child makes good decisions. Referring to the toddler in the backyard, a parent may give the toddler the choice of playing in the playpen or on the back porch outside the playpen.  The parent tells the child the consequences of leaving the porch, such as coming inside or going back to the playpen, but the choice remains with the child.  Of course, the parent must follow through with the stated consequence or the child learns nothing about the consequences of poor choices.  The pattern of offering options and allowing the natural or logical consequences continues as the child grows, but the choices become more complex with less input from the parent. As Cline and Fay argue, “They become advisors and counselors more than police officers, allowing their adolescents to make more decisions for themselves, and then guide them to navigate the consequences of those decisions successfully.”[4]

 Avoid Overprotection

Thirdly, avoiding overprotection while controlling the environment to promote the child’s safety teaches a child how to face challenges while also showing them the consequences of rebellious behavior. While some parents believe protection equates to never allowing their child to experience harm or pain, Cline and Fay argue that “Caring for our children does not equate to protecting them from every possible misstep they could make in growing up.”[5]  The limits or boundaries set by a parent should decrease as the child matures. The toddler in the backyard needs more limits than the teenager riding their bicycle around the neighborhood.   When parents put appropriate limits or boundaries in place, the parent communicates the expectation of staying within those limits. However, no matter what limits the parents creates the child may climb over a fence, but not without confronting the “serious effort of the parent at placing an obstacle in harm’s way.”[6] The goal of boundaries is protecting the child, making the task of getting into trouble more difficult.

Allow for Independence and Promote Moral Development

Finally, by allowing for independence and promoting moral development, parents direct the child toward productive lives and teach their children how to turn negative situations around for good.  As Cline and Fay remark, “When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders too often become unenforceable.”[7]  The parent may intervene when the toddler finds a way over the fence and gets into the street by scooping the child up before a car strikes him, but an adolescent who breaks the law may need to go to jail to learn the consequences of stealing the neighbor’s car.  However, according to Cline and Fay, parents should step in when:

Our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime.

When our children know they are in a situation, they can’t handle by themselves. More important, perhaps, is that they know we also know they can’t handle it. So when we step in and help them out — saying in essence, “You are incapable of coping with this situation” — it is not a destructive message because everyone is aware of the child’s inability to handle the situation.[8]

Three ineffective parenting styles:

In contrast to effective parental guidance, Cline and Fay briefly address three ineffective parenting styles: The Helicopter Parent, The Laissez-Faire Parent, and the Drill Sergeant Parent.[9]  The Helicopter Parent desires to create the perfect world for their child devoid of sorrow, consequences, and rejection.  The Helicopter parent swoops “down like jet-powered AH-64 Apache attack helicopters on any person or agency they see as a threat to their child’s impeccable credentials. Armed with verbal smart bombs, they are quick to blast away at anyone who sets high standards for behavior, morality, or achievement.”[10]  The Laissez-Faire Parent, for often unknown reasons, allows the child to parent themselves with little or no guidance from the parent. As Cline and Fay point out, “some have bought into the theory that children are innately born with the ability to govern themselves.”[11] However, they contend that Laissez-Faire parents are not really parenting, but refusing to accept parental responsibility.[12] Finally, the Drill Sergeant Parent controls the child through barking orders and demanding compliance.  Rarely does the Drill Sergeant allow the child to participate in decision making.  All three styles have detrimental effects on children, which carry over into adulthood, resulting in children who either feel entitled, have low self-esteem, have little trust or respect for authority and who do not know how to make good decisions.

Next: What does the Bible tell us about proper parental guidance?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Is God a Good Parent Part 4-Does God’s parental guidance follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

[1]Brian D. Johnson, Laurie D. Berdahl, Melissa Horne, Emily A. Richter, and Meag-gan Walters., “A Parenting Competency Model.” Parenting: Science & Practice 14, no. 2 (CINAHL Plus with Full Text, EBSCOhost: 2014), 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

[2] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 356-357.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid., Kindle Locations 364-366.

[5] Ibid., Kindle Locations 463-464.

[6]Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 159.

[7] Cline, Fay Kindle Locations 673-674.

[8] Ibid., Kindle Locations 856-860.

[9] Ibid., Kindle Location 314.

[10] Ibid., Kindle Locations 303-305.

[11] Ibid., Kindle Locations 338-339.

[12] Ibid., Kindle Locations 345-346.

Is God a Good Parent?-

Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to provide some insight into how God parents His creation. While most of my posts are informal, for this series, I divided an essay I wrote for a graduate school course into five posts. Perhaps the rational approach to this very emotional topic will help someone who currently struggles with the problem of evil in our world. 

A few weeks ago I posted The View from the Foot of the Bed which describes my perception of Christ’s view of the abuse I experienced as a child. At the end of the introduction to the sonnet, I promised to answer the question, “Why didn’t He stop what was happening to me?” Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to provide some insight into how God parents His creation. While most of my posts are informal, for this series, I divided an essay I wrote for a graduate school course into five posts.

I struggled with the idea of posting the essay because I want my blog to reflect my personal story. I don’t want the site to become all academic or propositional. However, each time that I considered how to describe why I think God sometimes allows bad things to occur, the essay returned to my thinking.

Perhaps the rational approach to this very emotional topic will help someone who currently struggles with the problem of evil in our world.

Social Media, television, newspapers, interest group forums and even our friends and co-workers bombard us the latest and greatest method of parenting.

Memes poke fun at parental mistakes or make sarcastic comments regarding modern parenting. Most recently, posts comparing parenting in the 50’s with 21st-century parenting proliferate Social Media.  The public often blames the parents for their children’s misbehavior, much like some blame God for the failures, disasters, and suffering we experience daily.  As parents, grandparents or just an adult watching children in a public setting, many questions arise about what the best way is to guide a child, so they reach their potential, are good citizens and can support themselves.  A simple Google search for “good parenting” yields thousands of results that range from corporal punishment to allowing a child to do what they want and paying the price of natural consequences. According to ‘A Parenting Competency Model’, “there is perhaps no more complex and difficult job than childrearing.”[1]   On the eternal scale, if we view God as a parent, why would we consider His task any less complicated? After all, God provides providential guidance to all of humanity. While some individuals blame God for everything that is wrong with the world and fail to grasp how a loving God would allow hurt, death and chaos among his creation, accepted styles of sound parental guidance demonstrate that God’s interaction with humanity fits the good parenting model very well. In fact, in Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology, Thomas C. Oden compares God’s providential governance of human freedom to good parenting by illustrating that God teaches, guides, sets boundaries and overrules choices that seem to jeopardize the Divine purpose.[2]

Why compare effective parenting with God’s Providential care of Humanity?

Comparing the complexity of effective parental guidance with God’s Providential care of humanity helps us understand that God demonstrates identical elements and is, in fact, a good parent.  According to Johnson et, al., competent parenting includes nonintrusive monitoring, a flexible discipline that changes with the developmental level of the child, avoiding overprotection while controlling the environment to promote the child’s safety, allowing for independence and promoting moral development. The Johnson study also emphasizes the importance of communication between the parent and child as well as the use of logical and natural consequences that result from the child’s choices.[3]  By comparison, Oden asserts that Classical Christian tradition regards providence as three interrelated phases of upholding, cooperating, and guiding.[4] He continues the discussion by explaining the four stages of Providence used by God to guide human freedom; permitting, hindering, overruling and limiting our choices.[5]

While the comparison of good parenting and God’s providential care provides foundational information, does the comparison answer the question, “Is God a good parent?” Perhaps, before we can fully appreciate how God’s providential interaction with humanity resembles proper parental guidance, we should clarify what the term providence means. As Oden defines the term, Providence is the expression of the divine will, power, and goodness through which the Creator preserves creatures, cooperates with what is coming to pass through their action, and guides creatures in their long-range purposes.”[6]   Oden continues by affirming that through God’s providence, we learn “by experience, by moving through stages of growth and by struggling toward good through evil,”[7] much like a parent cares for and guides a child toward adulthood.  When quoting Augustine, Oden argues that God would not permit evil at all unless He could draw some good out of it.”[8]  While providence extends to all God’s creation, the unique element of humanity is the freedom to choose.  Through providence, God’s care for us “never sleeps.”[9]  However, Solomon admonishes us that “A man’s heart may be full of schemes, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” (Prov. 19:22).[10]  God, as our parent, will not allow human freedom to overrule His purpose.  While God’s power is absolute, it is also orderly and follows His nature. If God is perfectly good, He must be a perfectly good parent. He created us and guides us by the same rules that He provides human parents. We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how he guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance.

Next: What makes someone a good parent?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Father’s Day-A Reflection

 

[1]Brian D. Johnson, Laurie D. Berdahl, Melissa Horne, Emily A. Richter, and Meag-gan Walters., “A Parenting Competency Model.” Parenting: Science & Practice 14, no. 2 (CINAHL Plus with Full Text, EBSCOhost: 2014), 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

 

[2] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992),159.

[3] Johnson, et al., 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

 

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid. 158.

[6] Oden, 143.

[7] Ibid., 156.

[8] Ibid., 157.

[9] Ibid., 155.

[10] Ibid.

 

A Letter to Heaven

My husband,John, helped me resolve the distorted view of love my parents created through abuse. I felt loved for who I am, not what I could offer him.  I decided that posting my latest letter to heaven I might help someone realize there is hope even amid tragedy.

Every day at noon my husband, John, and I communicated via text messages.  The conversations always began with “how u be?” While the discussions lasted only a few minutes, they were our unique way of sharing our day with each other.  The conversations varied from short words of affection to venting frustrations.  John’s texts grounded me, made me laugh or sometimes the text messages helped us resolve a conflict or misunderstanding.   While John was a man of few words, his well-chosen text messages conveyed affection, support, and love each day at noon.

On August 23, 2013, that changed forever when John passed away in his sleep.  Ten days earlier, John, suffered a major heart attack which severely damaged his heart. There were no more text messages, emails or other electronic communication that had become such an intricate part of our life together.  Since his death, I periodically write letters to him, not because I expect an answer or that I think he reads them. I write the letters because through the short notes I feel connected to him. The letters have also been a way for me to document my grief journey.

John helped me resolve the distorted view of love my parents created through abuse. I felt loved for who I am, not what I could offer him.  I decided that posting my latest letter to heaven I might help someone realize there is hope even amid tragedy.

A Letter to Heaven

My love,

I haven’t written to you for a very long time. I sometimes feel silly that I even think about writing a letter to you. I know that you do not see me or hear me, but somehow writing a letter now and then brings me peace. Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of the heart attack that eventually took you from me. Five years seems like forever, but today it seems like yesterday. My mind races back to the day with so many questions that I cannot count them all. “Why didn’t you call 911 when you knew something was wrong? Why didn’t you tell me the minute I walked in from work that you thought you were having a heart attack?” These and so many more questions haunt me on this anniversary. There are no answers, but the questions remain.

You Would be Proud

I do want to let you know that I am happy, well content anyway. I don’t miss you every day anymore. I miss you when I watch the Texas Rangers play. I don’t cry at the thought of you not being here to watch the game with me. The things that once caused tears to flow now bring a smile to my face. I now enjoy the memories of our life together, but I get sad sometimes when I think of the things you are missing.

Angel graduated from high school in May and just moved into the college dorm. She is all grown up, my love, and you would be so proud of the young woman our granddaughter has become. Korine is teaching High School English and just received a Master’s in Apologetics. Isaac has a girlfriend!

Grief Observed

I have learned something this week, my love. Rationally, I know that you are happy, content and enjoying the company of God. I know that to wish you were still in my life is a selfish thought because you are where you are supposed to be. However, I finally understand in my heart that to want to bring you back is unfair to you. C. S. Lewis reflects in A Grief Observed, “I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again?”[1] Those words seemed harsh when I read them two years ago. Now, they ring true. I would not wish such sorrow on you. I can’t restore the past.

I miss you, my love, but I realize that our life together would have been so different because of the changes in your health. You were not a good patient, my love. You often got impatient when your body did not allow you to do what you loved. After the heart attack, your activity level changed. Of course, I don’t know how much progress you might have made over time because you died before the first follow up with your doctor.

Moving On

My love, for the first time since you died, I am not overwhelmed with tears as the anniversary of your death approaches. I am reflective, but not sad. I’ve always understood that grief is not an event, but a journey. Lewis describes it best, “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”[2] I think I have rounded a new bend that reveals newness, peace, and contentment that I have not experienced for a very long time.

I look forward to the day when we meet again, but I no longer yearn for the memories of our life together. Remembering you now brings a soft smile to my lips.

All My Love,

Me

[1] C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (London: CrossReach Publications, 2016), 25.

[2]Ibid, 45.

Related Posts

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

Painting Pictures of Egypt

leaving the security of familiar coping mechanisms is terrifying. Especially when nothing seems to ease the fear and pain like what I knew. When the “new life” became difficult or not what I expected, I wanted to return to the comfortable. I wanted what was comfortable even though it was dangerous and painful.

As I reflect on my healing from childhood abuse and my recovery from sexual and food addiction, I am reminded of a song by Sara Groves entitled “Painting pictures of Egypt.” I always liked that song because it illustrates how hard it is to move forward from a place that is comfortable.  Even when the comfort is painful or unhealthy, moving forward is very hard. Leaving the security of familiar coping mechanisms is terrifying. Especially when nothing seems to ease the fear and pain like what I knew. When the “new life” became difficult or not what I expected, I wanted to return to the comfortable. I wanted what was comfortable even though it was dangerous and painful. “I was dying for some freedom/But … I hesitated to go. /I was caught to between the Promise/And the thing I [knew].”[1] I was often like the Israelites who constantly complained and rebelled even though God had delivered them from slavery.

They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt?” Exodus 14:11

“the place they used to fit me/[Could not] hold the things I’d learned.”

I remember times memories flooded me and I forgot the strength of the woman I had become. I became the frightened child curled up in the corner wishing I could magically teleport to somewhere, anywhere that was not my parent’s home. I convinced myself that I could hold on to the “what if’s,” that “it wasn’t so bad.” and the “let me tell you about…”I told myself so many times, “I’ll get it right this time, but let me just stay here for a little while.” “I’m not ready to leave this yet.” Sometimes I took baby steps out of Egypt. Sometimes I took giant leaps. Each time, I would forget the downside of dissociation, promiscuity or overeating because “the future [felt] so hard/And I [wanted] to go back.”[2] But as Groves writes, “the place they used to fit me/[Could not] hold the things I’d learned.”[3]

I felt the old patterns, “calling out to me/Like a long-lost friend.

I wasn’t comfortable in my new life, but returning to my old habits wasn’t an option because “Those roads were closed off to me/While my back was turned.”[4] I longed to escape reality even though dissociation was frightening to my adult self, mentally disappearing brought momentary relief to my ravaged soul. I tried to revisit the past because as Groves writes, “The past is so tangible. /I know it by heart. /Familiar things are never easy/To discard.”[5] Letting go of addictive behaviors and temporary mental escapes that kept me sane for so long was excruciatingly painful. I held on for my life. I knew there was something better because I experienced it in moments of sanity and clarity. Groves words rang true to me so many times during those early years of recovery and healing, “I don’t want to leave here/ I don’t want to stay/ It feels like pinching to me/Either way.”[6] I felt the old patterns, “calling out to me/Like a long-lost friend.”[7]

Wanting to return to old patterns wasn’t about “losing faith…or about trust/It [was] all about comfort.” My addictive behaviors were comfortable. They weren’t perfect, but they were comfortable. I depended on them for my life, or at least I thought I could not live without them. Then I learned I could live without them and I learned new healthy ways of managing anxiety and stress. Memories did not send me into a spiral of irrational thought.

no longer caught between the Promise and the things I know.

After years of work I realize, “I am no longer caught between the Promise and the things I know.”[8] Groves ends the song with “If it comes to quick/ I may not appreciate it. /Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?”[9] I firmly believe there is no quick fix for healing or recovery. While I believe in miracles, I also believe sometimes the journey is the most important part of healing. A quick fix might rob you of the ability to appreciate the change in your soul. However, change requires taking the first step out of Egypt. Waiting too long might cement the habit or thought pattern and makes it harder to leave it behind when you walk toward your Promise.

Leave Egypt once and for all

To move forward, we must take a close look at what we are holding onto.  What is keeping us stuck? When we keep one foot in Egypt as we look toward our “promised land,” we hinder our ability to move forward.   Through Christ, you have freedom. In Christ, you can move forward. We can leave Egypt and not be trapped by, “Painting pictures…leaving out what it lacked.”

Related Posts

How do I Change?

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

[1] Sara Groves, Painting Pictures of Egypt lyrics © Music Services, Inc

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Ibid.

[8] Ibid.

[9] Ibid.

The View from the Foot of the Bed

Dissociation is a common occurrence for traumatized individuals. We escape to a safer place. The new sonnet is written from the point of view of the source of my escape and relief, Jesus Christ.

Introduction

The sonnet below is based on two lines from Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?, “With hope, I shift my eyes and look above/The bed. Escape and find relief again.” Dissociation is a common occurrence for traumatized individuals. We escape to a safer place. The new sonnet is written from the point of view of the source of my escape and relief, Jesus Christ. While He did not stop the abuse, He was always there to provide comfort and relief. Why He didn’t stop what was happening to me is a topic for another day.

 

From the foot of your bed, I see you hide

From what you fear. Your eyes reveal the pain

Of knowing that he will not be denied.

Your eyes fill with tears when he comes again.

If you are asleep, maybe he won’t stay.

He is not deceived that you are serene.

I want to shout to make him go away.

But I can only gaze upon the scene.

Frantic, you seek a way to find relief.

Finally, you understand that I am here.

You call out to me, “Jesus, help me please.”

He does not know I take away your fear.

I will not leave you. I ‘m always here

To shield your soul and wipe away your tears.

 

Related Posts:

Father’s Day-A Reflection

Winning the Battle

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years.

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years. A couple of weeks ago, my daughter, Korine, asked me a question about something I plan to share in the next few weeks. The question was innocent but answering it triggered a brief visceral response. The response startled me. While such responses were common in the early years of my healing from PTSD, I have not experienced a bodily response in years. The feeling of ice coursing down my esophagus to my stomach frightened me for a second, but the sensation disappeared almost as quickly as it began. Korine reminded me that I should probably get used to the reaction. “People will ask questions,” she warned, “So you need to be ready for triggers.” Her words reminded me how quickly unexpected triggers can derail my inner peace.

Triggers come in all shapes, smells, and sounds.

At the height of my dysfunction, triggers surrounded me 24/7. Some days it was difficult to breathe for fear a new trigger was just around the corner. I reacted instead of acting. I lived in constant fear that I would not survive the next triggered episode. For several years everything in my life seemed to trigger dissociative episodes where I regressed and became the little girl who was abused every day. Experiencing a trigger feels like something sharp pierces my soul and disrupts the core of my being, like a dart hitting a dartboard. Sometimes the darts catch me by surprise. When that happens it takes me a few minutes to regroup and get grounded. In the past, I rarely felt grounded. The sensation lasted days, sometimes weeks. I felt bombarded by fiery darts and had no way to stop them. I lived in constant fear that one of those darts would kill me. The experience far exceeded emotional reaction to the trigger. I felt under siege by spiritual forces that I could not see.  While identifying potential triggers is essential to healing, understanding the spiritual component of the battle is also essential.

We Have the Protection We Need to Stop the Fiery Darts

As I worked through the emotional and spiritual damage of childhood abuse, I realized that in Ephesians 6:10-18, Paul provides a plan for combating the triggers (fiery darts) that distracted me from God’s plan for me. Paul writes:

             10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. [1]

Daily Preparation

While I do not think every bad thing that happens to me is a spiritual attack, I do think that I am better prepared to face the day when I remember to put on the armor of God as outlined above. How do I do that? When I feel attacked by a trigger, I recall Paul’s counsel, “In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one.” I imagine holding a shield that is soaked with water so that the flames of the darts are extinguished before they reach my heart. When a trigger causes me to regress to the hurting and frightened child, I recall, “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” I say a scripture such as “I am a child of God and the evil one cannot touch me.” I imagine a sword slashing through the image of the frightened child. Triggers lose their power when I use the protection provided by the armor of God.

However, thinking about the armor in ancient military terms is not always beneficial. A few years ago I decided to try something new. I decided to make the armor relevant to my daily routine. As I thought about my morning routine I selected an activity that matched each piece of armor. For example, brushing my hair represents putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I do not do this every day, but I notice the difference when I do.  The armor represents the protection that God provides to all believers, but we must take it up and put it on before it is effective. The armor is only part of the solution for stopping triggers or minimizing the impact of triggers that catch me off guard. However, I find that remembering the armor helps me when an unexpected darts are hurled at me. I no longer live in fear of triggers. Instead, I am prepared to stand firm because I have my shield ready to extinguish the darts that come my way.

Challenge:

At least one day this week, think about the armor when you get ready for your day and proactively associate the armor with your routine. How do think putting on the armor might help you combat triggers?

[1] Ephesians 6:10-18, ESV

Related Posts:

Stop the Spiral

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

The 4R’s of Taking Your Thoughts Captive

A single event can send you into an emotional spiral where your rational mind stops functioning. Everything that you believe about yourself goes out the window. The question is, how do you stop the spiral and get back to the truth about the person God created you to be?

 

As I discussed in two of my earlier posts, How do I change and Stop the Spiral, emotional spirals were an everyday occurrence in the early days of my healing process. Many of you have experienced something similar. If so, you are not alone. The anxiety that follows an emotional spiral is, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, the most common mental disorder in the U.S.A. A single event can send you into an emotional spiral where your rational mind stops functioning. Everything that you believe about yourself goes out the window. The question is, how do you stop the spiral and get back to the truth about the person God created you to be?  In this blog I will show you how you can learn to stop emotional spirals by completing the four R’s of The Taking Captives Journal: Review, Reveal, Regroup, and Rewrite. The Taking Captives Journal was the first tool I created as a response to God’s revelation about combining Biblical truth with psychological/educational truths for complete healing. The journal is the cornerstone of Relate (formerly Living as Conquerors).

For more information about Relate Click here

Review-Identify the Trigger

The first R-Review helps you identify the trigger by asking the question, what happened the moment before your emotions became intense? Take a minute to describe what you were doing immediately before you became upset. The key to success is brevity. Remember the goal is to capture your thought not ramble into emotional chaos. Limit your response to one or two sentences. Identifying the event allows you to jumpstart your rational mind and begins the process of capturing your initial thoughts and slowing the emotional response. Identifying “What Happened” also stops you from rambling and spiraling into other events that created the same emotional response.

Reveal-Your Thoughts and Feelings

Once you identify the trigger, you can proceed to the second R-Reveal: Thoughts and Feelings. In this step you will answer the question, what are my thoughts and feelings? Once again, limit your response to one or two sentences or one or two words. When you limit the emotions that you write down, you keep your emotions from escalating and allows you to move to the third R-Regroup where you can focus on what you need now.

Regroup-Focus

You know what happened. You’ve identified what you thought and felt. Now you Regroup-to focus the type of connection you need in this circumstance. To determine what type of connection you need to answer the question, what will calm my emotions in this situation? We all have unique ways of connecting to others, to circumstances, and to God. They indicate not only how you might respond to life’s circumstances, but also help you focus your thoughts on the kind of connections that will empower you to move forward, find peace and make Christ-centered choices. Write down one or two ways of connecting that might calm your emotions.

Rewrite-God’s Solution

Now you are ready for the last and most important R-Rewrite where you bring God’s solution into the circumstance. You accomplish this by answering the question, what does the word say? Begin by reviewing what you wrote for the first 3R’s. Find a word or phrase that resonates with you. Next, use the concordance in your Bible. If you have a Bible app on your phone, look up keywords that are in your answers to the second and third R. Once you find a scripture that resonates with you, read the scripture aloud, write down the scripture, and then read it aloud again. Reading aloud engages two senses: sight, hearing. Writing engaging two senses: sight and touch. Reading aloud again increases the chance that the words stay in your mind and that the scripture will be there the next time you need it. Additionally, the truth of scripture calms you and brings peace to the chaos. It is important to complete all the sections each time that you journal to completely capture your thought and replace it with the Truth.

You can stop emotional spirals by completing the 4R’s of The Taking Thoughts Captives Journal

  • Review-The trigger
  • Reveal- Thoughts and Feelings
  • Regroup-(focus)
  • Rewrite-God’s Solution

The 4 R’s of The Taking Thoughts Captives Journal only work if you decide to make a change in the way you respond to the circumstances in your life. You must decide that you want to change and once again believe that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I have shown you a tool, but like any tool, it is useless if you do not use it. The triggers will not stop. You must be consistent with completing the 4R’s every time your emotions seem too intense for a situation. While the process may not change the circumstance that triggered the emotions, it will change you in the circumstance.

The 4R’s take you out of the circumstance and allows you to look at it with your rational mind, figure out what you need and then allow God to replace the irrational thought with His truth.

What Can you do today to begin taking your thoughts captive?

  • First, the next time something causes you to begin a spiral, stop, review, reveal, regroup and rewrite. Step outside the moment and capture the thought.
  • Second, find someone to hold you accountable.
  • Third, use technology to assist you. There are several journaling apps that allow you to type narrative. Anyone of them can be an on-the-go journal.
  • Fourth, a paperback version of The Taking Captives Journal with space for 100 journals is available at Amazon.com. The journal also includes ten suggestions for types of connections and a list of fifty scriptures.
  • Finally, you can also Sign up to receive email notification of upcoming Relate events here.

NOTE: I was the co-founder of Living as Conquerors and co-authored The Taking Captives Journal with my daughter, Korine Martinez. In August 2016 I retired from the ministry. I gifted two wonderful friends and pastors, Cheryl and Eleanora Luke, with the intellectual property from the ministry,  Cheryl and Eleanora have renamed the ministry as Relate. I continue working with them as they work to grow the ministry. The material found in this blog is used with their permission.

Stop the Spiral

In an earlier post, I mentioned the idea of capturing my thoughts. I want to delve into that a bit more. Part of my recovery from the trauma I experienced as a child included learning how to manage emotional spirals.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the idea of capturing my thoughts. I want to delve into that a bit more. Part of my recovery from the trauma I experienced as a child included learning how to manage emotional spirals. I am by nature an emotional person.  Some might describe me as too sensitive.  I prefer the term empathetic, but I must agree that I overreact at times to seemingly ordinary events of the day.  My emotions and thoughts become my worst enemy.  When I think I have offended someone, my thoughts can quickly shift from “I shouldn’t have said that” to “Why do you hate me?” Early in my healing journey, a therapist diagnosed the problem as Borderline Personality Disorder. While she told me I a “nice borderline” I felt helpless to change the way my mind worked. I felt trapped by the diagnosis, but I did not give up.

At age 34 thoughts of despair, fear and anger engulfed me.

As I struggled to heal from the effects of childhood abuse, my thoughts seemingly had a life of their own.  Although friends and family surrounded me, I believed that no one could love me. I panicked when my daughter wanted to spend time with her best friend instead of with me. I cycle dialed friends if I did not hear from them immediately. I snapped at my daughter unpredictably over small things. To me, everything I did or said would probably end badly.  In nearly every situation my main thoughts were “Why do you hate me?” or “When are you going to leave me?” My emotions overtook reason and controlled my thoughts and behavior. I made dangerous, impulsive decisions almost everyday. I realized my survival and healing depended on learning how to manage my spiraling emotions.

In The Abolition of Man, C.S. Lewis writes, “The head rules the belly through the chest-the seat…of Magnanimity, of emotions organized by trained habit into stable sentiments.”[1] The chest functions as the liaison between the intellect and sentiment. Lewis’ reference to the chest suggests that the “heart” of man is the element that that causes us to have internal conversations when faced with moral decisions.  Relying solely on intellect with disregard for emotion of any kind results in men without chests whose unbridled emotions lead to impulsive, animalistic behavior.[2]  By allowing my emotions and thoughts to spiral out of control, I prevented the liaison to do its job.

For me, the first step in developing a strong chest was understanding the truth about who I am. In 1988, I remember sitting on a small hill just outside of Lubbock, Texas praying for relief from the inner turmoil. As the sun shone down on me from the clear west Texas sky, I imagined Christ holding me as a young child. As I sobbed quietly in His arms, He wiped away my tears and gently whispered, “I am all you need.” I shook my head in disbelief. He took a small tattered bundle from my tightly clenched fist. The bundle held my hurt, sorrow and all that I was, when He opened the bundle, a pure white dove flew toward the sky, “This is how God sees you when He looks through my eyes. No matter what the world tells you, this is who you are.” God did not see me as Borderline but as a pure, clean child. That image gave me hope and reminded of the truth of who I am.  I am not my hurt. I am His, always and forever, I am His.  I realized on the hilltop that I do have a choice.  My thoughts do not control me. I can choose to take every thought captive and stop the spiral.

 

“Take every thought Captive” Corinthians 10:5

Paul encouraged the Corinthians to take every thought captive, not just the ones you want to, but every thought.  That means to stop, think, and chose to act based on whether your thought in line with the truth.  Christ does not define you by your failures, your flaws or by what you have endured in your life.  You are His.  His eyes view you through the filter of His Father.”

Remember How Christ Sees You

If you struggle with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, you may think, “I can’t do that. I can’t stop the thoughts in my head.” You may feel you have no choice because, after all, you are Borderline. I felt that way for years, but at 65, I live my life without chaos and only minimal fear of losing relationships. I worked hard to find the peace I have. I did not achieve it simply by praying or through hours of therapy. I achieved it by blending what God says about our thought processes, “Take every thought captive” and what psychology/education says about controlling emotions, “The head rules the belly through the chest-the seat…of Magnanimity, of emotions organized by trained habit into stable sentiments.[3]

I do not always remember to take every thought captive.  

I don’t always remember the comforting image that I saw on the Lubbock hillside when an unexpected crisis hits.  In those moments I turn to friends I trust to remind me what I have forgotten I ask them to tell me to choose to take every thought captive.  They gently urge me to line up each thought with the truth that God loves me.  Then the spiral stops and I can focus on the crisis without the distraction of negative thoughts. My daughter told me years ago, “Mom, God did not create you with Borderline Personality Disorder.” However, I still have moments where the old thought pattern creeps into my mind. I do not experience the extreme emotional swings or impulses that were everyday events for years. Taking my thoughts captive may not change the circumstances that led to the emotional event, but it does change me in that circumstance. Today I manage crises much better than I did 30 years ago. I am content and peaceful most days. I rarely think about the diagnosis that immobilized me for so many years. I did not change overnight and I am not without occasional episodes that lead my daughter to say with a smile, “Your borderline is showing, Mom.” Today a gentle comment is generally all it takes to remind me to stop, think and take my thought captive.

In my next post, I will describe how to take your thoughts captive by providing a tool that you can use everyday.

[1]  C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man, (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 2001), 25.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

At Last I Stand Approved

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” is the result of splitting the original Sonnet IV from the “What Kind of Love is This” Sonnet series into two Sonnets.

Introduction

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” is the result of splitting the original Sonnet IV from the “What Kind of Love is This” Sonnet series into two Sonnets. The original Sonnet was written for a Modern/Post Modern course at Houston Baptist University Master of Arts in Apologetics program. The assignment limited me to four Sonnets for the final project. I wanted to tell as much of the story of language distortion as possible within the confines of the course requirements, but doing so resulted in a compressed timeline in Sonnet IV.

I reworked the original Sonnet IV to address age fifty-five when I met my second husband, John. You can read the revision here.

Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved illustrates my acceptance of my true worth. In this sonnet, I look back at my marriage to John to show how the relationship with him helped me accept how God views me and finally reject my father lies. Through the imagery in the first few lines, I describe my inner transformation and acceptance of a different meaning of love.  The last quatrain describes my current understanding of love. I begin with the disclosure that I am a widow, but the loss does not change the truth. Line ten answers the question asked at the end of Sonnet I.  The declarations found in the remaining two lines of the quatrain provide transition from earthly love to Divine Love. The final couplet confirms that the language distortion no longer controls my thinking and I know the true meaning of love.

 

The truth revealed, now I know what love is.

At sixty-five, I can finally say

I knew the kind of love that could dismiss

Distorted views of love that led astray.

For eight short years, we shared one soul, one heart.

He made me laugh at times when life was tough.

He taught me how to love and draw apart

To understand that God’s love is enough.

I am a widow now, and still, I know

That Daddy’s words were lies and not the truth.

When I feel the tempter’s frightening blow

I stand my ground and say, “I know my worth!”

And, by His crimson blood, my stains removed.

Transformed, and white as snow I stand approved.

 

Related Posts:

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

Updates

I updated Sonnet II, Sonnet III, and Sonnet IV and am working on adding a fifth Sonnet. Also, the entire text of  “Know the Truth” and “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” are now included on my site.

I recently updated several of my posts. The new links are included in the description below.

I updated Sonnet II, Sonnet III, and Sonnet IV and am working on adding a fifth Sonnet. Also, the entire text of  “Know the Truth” and “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” are now included on my site. My granddaughter pointed out to me that the links were no longer working. Upon investigation, I discovered that Cheryl Luke updated her site, so the links to the blogs no longer worked. The nice thing about writing online is you can improve and update your thoughts and ideas as new inspiration hits. I hope you enjoy the updates.

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