Category: Blogs

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Written several years ago for my friend, Cheryl Luke’s Blog, this blog speaks to my heart this morning. I don’t have all the answers, but I know one thing, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even if that keeps me from drowning in negative thinking for one minute, I am content. I hope the post will provide hope for someone who needs to hear the truth of who they are from God’s perspective.

Note: Today I struggled once again with who I am. Feedback on the draft of my memoir pours in and I wonder how to reach those God sends to me. I’ve received emails from women who want answers to the question, “how can you trust God after all you’ve been through?” I feel inadequate to reassure them of God’s love, but then I remember that they are the women God called me to serve. They are the women I want my story to help. I scrolled through old posts to find something, anything to post on a day when my thoughts are jumbled and creativity is nowhere to be found. Then,  I read the title of this post. Written several years ago for my friend, Cheryl Luke’s Blog, it speaks to my heart this morning. I don’t have all the answers, but I know one thing, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even if that keeps me from drowning in negative thinking for one minute, I am content. I hope the post will provide hope for someone who needs to hear the truth of who they are from God’s perspective.

I have struggled with a variety of habits, hurts, and behaviors for most of my life.  My drugs of choice have included overeating to fill the emptiness in my soul, sex to avoid true intimacy and to punish myself, prescription drugs to numb physical and emotional pain.  I also pushed people out of my life by being unpredictable and mean.  I spent years searching for a way to change who I was because I did not like the person I saw in the mirror.  I could not understand how anyone could possibly love the person I saw.

From powerless to empowered

For years I worked on the emotional issues created by an abusive childhood. Although I got better, my soul remained empty. I turned to deliverance and found relief, but the habits returned. I felt worse because I thought surely God had given up on me. Why else would everything come back?  I was hopeless, powerless and empty.

Finally, I found a scripture that changed how I saw myself.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

I read the words: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” over and over.  God did not create Charlotte Thomason, the over eater, the sex addict, the emotional disaster that I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was formed by Him for a specific purpose.  My identity was not my bad habits, my behaviors, my thoughts.  I was wonderfully made!

The first step toward changing my thought pattern was to change the way I talked about my struggles.

Although it felt strange at first, I no longer said I am a sex addict, or I am an over eater.  Instead, I made one small change and began saying, “I struggle with sex and overeating, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I admitted the struggle but removed it as my identity.  Each time I made this statement, the power of the struggle decreased.

I realized that changing my thoughts made all the difference in my actions.  Stopping the negative thoughts before they took control and replacing those thoughts with a scripture about who I am allowed me to heal.  I replaced the power of the struggle with the power of the Word.  I stopped acting like an addict and began acting like someone who struggled. This did not happen overnight, but over time, the old behaviors occurred less frequently. Eventually disappearing from my everyday existence. The thoughts would creep back, but I knew how to stop them.

Knowing the truth puts things in perspective

Paul writes “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)  He is not saying he cannot change, but rather his inner man cannot do what is right.  He declares the need for something more.  That something more includes changing just one thought at a time.  Changing the thought that, “I will always be this way.  It is just who I am.” To “I am a child of God who struggles with alcohol.” Just this one simple act can stop you one time from acting on the old belief of who you are.

One thought, one minute, one hour, one day is enough to make a change in your soul.  You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day.  You can climb it one thought at a time.  You were not created as an ……(fill in the blank for yourself.)  You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I still struggle with overeating in times of stress, but I always return to the truth of who I am.  I have never returned to the darkness of despair of 20 years ago.  I know I cannot overcome the struggles in my life alone.  I can only control my thoughts.  I can replace negative thinking with what the Word says about me.  I can stand on the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You can do the same. Take the first step.  Realize the truth of who you are. Allow God to walk by your side down the road of recovery.

 

Related Posts:

Know the Truth

How do I Change?

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Open the Eyes of my Heart

This verse is an open invitation for the Lord pierce our heart with truth, not just give us knowledge to process with our mind, but with our heart.  In The Abolition of Man, C. S. Lewis describes “The Chest-Magnanimity-Sentiment” which, functions as the liaison between the intellect and sentiment.[1] Being that it is the chest suggests that it is the “heart” of man.  It is the element that guides the choices we make.

Having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.

Ephesians 1:18  ESV

At the heart of the matter

This verse is an open invitation for the Lord pierce our heart with truth, not just give us knowledge to process with our mind, but with our heart.  In The Abolition of Man, C. S. Lewis describes “The Chest-Magnanimity-Sentiment” which, functions as the liaison between the intellect and sentiment.[1] Being that it is the chest suggests that it is the “heart” of man.  It is the element that guides the choices we make.  It is the element that causes us to have internal conversations when faced with moral decisions.  Lewis also refers to the middle element as “emotions organized by trained habit into stable sentiment.”[2] 

It’s my choice

Choice is a key element in God’s interaction with us.  In Mere Christianity, Lewis writes, “I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you’re turning a central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before… slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature.”[3] Without an open and active heart, we risk enduring unbridled emotions that lead to chaotic choices or the cold and calculated choices of pure reason. When the eyes of our heart are open, we view our circumstances from a balanced perspective that intersects reason and passion and allows us to hear and see the truth God has for us, which allows us to make better choices.

 

[1]C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man, (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 1974), 25.

[2] Ibid.,25.

[3] C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company, 1952), 86.

Father’s Day-A Reflection

I just completed the draft of my memoir. Writing about my father brought the pain and sorrow to the surface once again. With Father’s Day approaching this weekend, I want to revisit a post I wrote two years ago. Perhaps my words will comfort other survivors who struggle with the celebrating Father’s Day.

Father’s Day is sometimes difficult for me. Most years I ignore the multitude of Father’s Day posts that fill my social media News Feed, but some years, the words of praise and love bring tears of sorrow and anger to my heart. I want to scream, “I don’t miss my Dad! I don’t have anything good to say about him!” Perhaps others who experienced abuse have similar thoughts on the day that honors fathers. The intensity of the emotion surprises me because I forgave my father years ago. Most likely the feelings resurfaced this year because I just completed the draft of my memoir. Writing about my father brought the pain and sorrow to the surface once again. With Father’s Day approaching this weekend, I want to revisit a post I wrote two years ago. Perhaps my words will comfort other survivors who struggle with the celebrating Father’s Day.

Forgiveness not Acceptance

My father stole my childhood and my innocence from me at a very young age. The abuse continued until I left home at age 18 to go to college. My father cared about only one thing-making certain I knew he was the only person who would “love me.” I was his property and his toy.

In his later years, my father was broken, disabled and senile. He never asked me to forgive him, but I did forgive him. I turned him over to God and let go of my need for revenge or retribution. The act of forgiveness came after I allowed myself to experience the anger, sadness, and loss of my childhood. Forgiving him did not mean I welcomed him back into my life. I did not.

In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis writes, “I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you’re turning a central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before… slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature.”[1] As the years passed by, I saw my father turn into a shriveled, broken hellish creature who lost his grip on reality. I think there came a point when he relinquished his humanity for the pleasures of the flesh and he was lost for eternity. He died alone in a West Texas nursing home.

God was the consistent thread.

How do I celebrate Father’s Day with such a father? I always knew God was present in my life, but that may not be true for others. I am thankful for the prayers of many that kept me safe from death on more than one occasion. My father could not take away my faith. My heavenly father somehow always showed up when I needed Him most. I did not always understand God’s methods in my trials but looking back He was always there to save my life, direct my path or provide a comforting word. God’s actions modeled what my father should have done. He knew what I needed, and did His best to provide for me, not always in the way that I wanted or thought He should, but as a faithful parent. My journey was long and difficult, but the consistent element was the presence of God and Christ.

I believe I can celebrate Father’s Day because I do have a Heavenly Father who cares for me and loves me unconditionally. However, for some, celebrating this Hallmark holiday feels forced and uncomfortable. For others, the day triggers feelings of anger, fear, and resentment. For those individuals, I want you to know that it is okay not to celebrate a day that honors fathers. However, I invite you to consider the idea that there is a heavenly father who loves his children.

[1] C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company, 1952), 86.

Psalms for Hope, Comfort and Peace

The book of Psalms is a favorite of mine because David and others bare their heart and soul to the Lord, but always end with praise and thanksgiving for God’s steadfast love. This week I turned to three passages to uplift, encourage and strengthen my soul. I hope they provide the same to you.

The book of Psalms is a favorite of mine because David and others bare their heart and soul to the Lord, but always end with praise and thanksgiving for God’s steadfast love. This week I turned to three passages to uplift, encourage and strengthen my soul. I hope they provide the same to you.

 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word, I hope.

Psalm 130:5 

 This week I’ve prayed, “how long Lord? How long must we wait?”

The psalmist provides a path toward peace when he declares he waits for the Lord and hopes in His word. The Word breathes life into desolation, renews a withering soul, and nurtures our flickering hope.

Hope sustains, nurtures and increases our faith. When the situation seems impossible, hope never gives up. The psalmist doesn’t just say he waits, but that his soul waits. Hope transcends the physical and permeates our entire being. Hope takes us out of the temporal view and transports us to the eternal perspective.

Faith assures us that what we hope for will come to pass, but first we must have hope.  Hope is one thing that lifts my soul.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

The psalmist reminds us that God is bigger than tragedy, chaos, racism, hatred or fear. He heals, comforts and guides us through times like the present circumstances.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)

In this verse. the psalmist provides insight into God’s character and role in our lives. First, God is our refuge. We can go to Him, hide in His arms until the storm passes. Second, He is our strength. When we are weak, tried or afraid, He renews us, comforts us and assures us the future is bright. Finally, God is a hands-on God. Right now, He seems distant, but the psalmist reminds us that He is “very present.” I’m not sure how we know He’s present when chaos continues day after day, but He is here.

His love never fails.

This is a time when another scripture takes on new significance, “faith is the assurance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen.” Sometimes we must hang on to faith by a thread of hope that tells us, “He is here. He is my refuge and in Him I will find my strength.”

Sometimes the Honesty’s too Much

Sometimes when God touches me, the honesty seems too much.  Sometimes, I don’t want Him to see the “real me”.  The truth is He always sees the real me.

Today I finished the first revision of What Kind of Love is This: Finding God in the Darkness, a memoir of my journey to reclaim my identity.  The last words I typed, “See what God has done… He loves you,” reminded me of my struggle to trust God’s unconditional love. Those words also acknowledge how far I’ve come. Still, I occasionally struggle to understand the events of my life, but writing my story helped put some pieces together for me. As I thought about how to express my struggle, this blog, written a few years ago, seemed appropriate. My relationship with God continues to grow as I include Him in my daily life through prayer, study and simply being still. Perhaps my post will help you realize your beauty and value in the eyes of the Creator.

“Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much.”

This 70’s hit by Dan Hill, conveys the struggle of feeling and expressing love.  When I looked up the words to the entire song, I realized that many of the lyrics could apply to God’s relationship with us and our relationship with Him. Sometimes when God touches me, His honesty seems too much.  Sometimes, I don’t want Him to see the “real me”.  The truth is He always sees the real me. When I let go of my pride, only then can I truly experience the Honesty of God’s touch.  Only then can I allow Him to hold me until my fear, pride, and pain subside.

Trapped within my truth

How many times have I cried out to God, “how could you let this happen?”  or “You can’t really want ME to do that, do you?” Sometimes I don’t wait for an answer and simply return to the safety of what I know.  I dismiss the still small voice as nothing more than a passing thought.  After all, I know me better than anyone.  Sometimes I argue with God as if He really doesn’t know what is best for me.  I stay trapped and immobile because I choose to stay trapped in “my truth”.  I don’t want to move out of the safety of the familiar and the comfortable.  I fight the honesty of God’s touch.  Until that moment when he brings me to my knees because my truth suffocates me.  Once on my knees, God’s presence pours over me with power, peace, and strength.  At that moment, all is well.  My mind tries to comprehend the touch but cannot.  His love surrounds me and I realize the “real me” is more than my thoughts, habits, and hurt.  The real me has been touched by God to be all He created me to be. His truth heals.  His truth reveals.  His truth brings peace.

He understands How Hard I Try

Sometimes we try too hard to experience God.  The truth is God is everywhere.  He touches us every day.  I recall a time shortly after my husband, John, died when I commented to a friend, “I don’t feel God. I know He is there, but I don’t feel His presence.”  I tried hard to make the feeling of God’s presence real, but nothing worked.  Finally, one day as I drove to work, I saw streams of light piercing the clouds on the horizon.  I smiled through my tears as I felt the honesty of God’s touch for a moment.

I realized at that moment that God always wants to touch us.  I also realized that His touch comes in unexpected ways.  Sometimes it comes from a friend who calls at just the right moment to comfort or encourage us.  He touches us through worship when we feel Him through music.  Those passing thoughts that prompt us to be more than we think we can be are often God’s touch.

“Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31.

Like Peter, we have to get out of our “boat” of our expectations to experience God’s touch.  Once we step out of the boat, His hand will keep us above water if we stay connected to Him.

We don’t have to work hard to feel His presence, but we do have to ask, listen and respond when we feel the Honesty of God’s touch.

God is constantly reaching out to us.  His hand is always outstretched.  Our task is simply to grab hold of the hand and allow God to lead us from our “truth” to what He has in store for us.

 

 

Covid-19 Hidden Impact for Trauma Survivors/ Tips to Cope

The Covid-19 virus has upended everyone over the past few weeks. While the new normal creates havoc for nearly everyone, I’ve realized a hidden impact for trauma survivors. With each new restriction comes less control over my life, which triggers old fears and sometimes anger.

The Covid-19 virus has upended everyone over the past few weeks. While the new normal creates havoc for nearly everyone, I’ve realized a hidden impact for trauma survivors. With each new restriction comes less control over my life, which triggers old fears and sometimes anger. At first, I dismissed these thoughts as silly considering the restrictions haven’t significantly changed my lifestyle. Yesterday I realized why anxiety and anger resurfaced. I feel the same loss of control I felt as a child when my family members abused me, but I also realized I am not a powerless little girl anymore. I am a strong, healthy woman who knows the truth about my identity.

I can choose how I respond to the triggers from the past.

Several years ago, my late husband, John, told me a story that illustrates one way to manage the emotional turmoil the current circumstances create. The town he grew up in has a city park with an old playground. The playground includes one of those old merry-go-rounds which consists of a circular platform with bars for standing. The riders push off the ground to increase the rotation speed of the merry-go-round. Sometimes one person stands beside the equipment to push it to maximum speed. Running on the platform will also increase the speed.

Keep Your Eyes on the Tree

One day, John and two friends (all of them in their 20s) decided to see how fast they could go and still stand up. So the contest began. Each attempt ended with falls, bumps, and bruises. They ran fast, but at some point looked down at their feet. When they did, they fell. After many attempts, John’s friend suggested they focus on the tree that stood next to the merry-go-round. When they kept their eyes on the tree, they did not fall. The speed increased far beyond what they thought possible. Then they looked down, and chaos ensued. Years later, while on a mission trip to Haiti and felt overwhelmed by the darkness that surrounded him. As he prayed for peace, the events at the park came to mind. He heard a whisper, “Just keep your eye on the tree.” He had the sense that the tree represented Jesus Christ, who hung on a tree for us.

As you struggle with old tapes in these uncertain times, remember to keep your eyes on the source of comfort. You are not a helpless child living in a chaotic and abusive world. You are a survivor. You are loved by the one who died for you. Keeping my eyes on Him when anxiety and fear threaten my peace, helps ground me in the present. For me that means turning off cable news, listening to music that soothes, reading scripture and stopping the thoughts that creep into my head before they take root. None of these things change what is going on in the world, but they change how I navigate them.

Changing How You Cope

As a survivor, you have learned ways to manage triggers, but some of those may not be available now. It’s hard to change our way of coping, but not impossible. Draw a picture, write a poem (even if you don’t think you can), stay connected via texting and phone calls. Find an online church service. Reach out and let someone know this is a hard time for you. Above all, be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because this triggers emotions you haven’t felt in years or months. Change your focus. Keep your eyes on the tree. When you look down and fall, get back up and try again.

We can support each other through this season: Share your coping strategies, your struggles and get support in the comments.

 

 

 

How do I Change?

I wanted to change, but I felt powerless. How could I change and stop the pattern of behavior that was destroying me?

Writing my memoir brings old behaviors and thoughts to the forefront. I marvel at the progress I’ve made since the events in this blog occurred. I also marvel at God’s unending and unconditional love for the young woman who struggled to believe she was lovable. It took hard work, prayer, faith and the support of many to convince me that God loved me because He created me. Letting go of control terrified me, but surrendering to God brought freedom from addiction and depression.

Surrender

“Tonight will be different.” I thought as I turned the key to unlock the door to my apartment.  “I can do this.”  As I entered the living room, I deliberately avoided looking at the computer, thinking If I don’t look at it, I won’t be tempted.”   I walked past the computer once, twice, three times without stopping.  Each time my heart beat so hard that I thought it might come out of my chest.

“It won’t hurt to just check my email,” I thought.  “There is no harm in that.”  My next thought, “I’ll just look at this to see if anyone has responded,” was my downfall.

I didn’t stop with one action. My night ended like all the nights before.  When I finally went to bed at 2 AM, I thought, “Tomorrow will be different.” Tomorrow was not different. With each day, the shame increased exponentially.  I was a Christian, a leader and yet I could not stop the struggle with sex and pornography.

 I thought I was in control

In the late ’90s, the internet was still in its infancy.  However, virtual sex and pornography exploded on this new technology.  The public shame of adult bookstores was replaced with the private shame of internet chat rooms, pornography sites, and “adult” dating sites.

For me, this was a “safe” haven.  I felt in control of every encounter because I could leave the chat with the simple click of the mouse. The chat rooms gave me a false sense of power over the person on the other end of the chat. However, I always felt the same at the end of the chat. Shame, guilt, anger, and disgust filled me every time. Yet, I could not stop.  My struggle controlled me.

Surrender

I cried out to God, “What is wrong with me?”  “Why can’t I change?” “I am doing everything I know to stop this!”  His answer was simple.  Surrender!  Surrendering to God frightened me, but what I was doing on my own was not working.  I needed to surrender my will to what I knew was right. I needed to let go of the lies about who I thought I was and allow God to help me believe I was more. Capturing my thoughts changed the way I viewed myself, but sometimes I deliberately failed to capture my thoughts.  I knew the truth, I practiced the tools, but I had not yet surrendered to God.

I began searching the Bible for some justification to not surrender. Instead, I found the following passages:

But Lord I also know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13.

 Because of this, I offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, this is my spiritual act of worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:1-2

I knew how to stop my thoughts from taking over so I did not give in to the temptation. In truth, each time I chose not to take my thoughts captive, I conformed to the temptations of the world.   After some serious struggling, surrender became a daily activity.  Sometimes by just saying, “I surrender.”  Sometimes when the computer seemed to demand my attention, I simply said, “Lord, I can’t do this, but you can.”

Freedom

Sounds simple enough, right?  However, knowing the truth and living a transformed life is not the same thing.

You have been set free by Christ’s sacrifice, but your mind may tell you that is not true.  You may not feel free because you continue to struggle with negative thoughts and behavior’s, but the truth is you are free.  You cannot conquer your struggles on your own strength, but you can do all things through Christ.  Most of all, remember recovery is a process.  You are retraining your mind and your heart to believe something completely different than when you conformed to the world’s standard.  It takes time for the heart and mind to believe transformation has occurred.

How can you practice surrendering? Comment with your answer.

Related Posts:

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

Know the Truth

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Grief: Speaking Words Unsaid through Writing

The loss of a loved one leaves words unsaid. 

Writing provides one way to say what time and death did not allow.

I love you. Nothing will fill the hole in my heart. No one knows how much I loved you. I do not know if you realized how much I loved you. I am so sorry that I got annoyed at you. I hope u knew how much I loved you. I am talking to the air. I do not know how to do this, my luv. I do not know how to live without you. I will, I know, but now, I do not know how.

 

The loss of a loved one leaves words unsaid.

Writing provides one way to say what time and death did not allow.

I love you. Nothing will fill the hole in my heart. No one knows how much I loved you. I do not know if you realized how much I loved you. I am so sorry that I got annoyed at you. I hope u knew how much I loved you. I am talking to the air. I do not know how to do this, my luv. I do not know how to live without you. I will, I know, but now, I do not know how.

Letters to My Love

One month after John’s death I was fearful, anxious and irritable. During a visit, my son-in-law had the perfect wisdom for me. He said, “you need to write about this, Mom because that is what you do.” Following his advice, I began speaking words unsaid by writing to John daily for several months. The letters began as short notes describing my day. Connecting to John through these short notes brought comfort and allowed me to say things I had not had time to say before he died.

My Daily Connection Need

Email, text messages, posting on social media are today’s primary methods of connecting with just about anyone. In our current culture, connecting daily with friends and loved ones on various social media platforms is commonplace. John’s death did not remove my need for connecting with him daily. I needed to feel someone heard my cries of sorrow.

Connecting through notes allowed me to revisit my relationship with John. Speaking words unsaid brought relief, tears and sometimes a smile. I wrote in metaphors and used analogies to describe my emotions. Connecting through letters helped me remember the role John played in my life. He grounded me. He made bad days not so bad by making me laugh. With each letter, I felt relief from the pain of grief, release from regret and a fleeting moment of peace in my soul. As time passed, I no longer wrote directly to John but continued to record my emotions, thoughts, and insights. In those early days following his death, connecting with him through writing helped me transition through most of the stages of grief.

Connecting to your loved one through writing allows you to speak to them, to bare your soul to them.

Speaking words unsaid can give not only relief but real healing.

King David wrote to God often. The book of Psalms records David’s conversations with God. Most passages begin with an emotional outcry of pain but end with praise and thanksgiving. David records moments of grief, anger, fear, and remorse. He is candid. Connecting to God was vital to David’s existence. Through his writing, David speaks to God and always recalls the true nature of his relationship with God.

Imagine David’s’ life without these times of connection through writing. He found relief from the pain of grief, from anger, and from fear through his writing. Connecting to those we’ve lost through letters can help us find treasured moments of peace.  Speaking words unsaid can connect us to relief and release.

Whether you write directly to your loved one, to God or simply put thoughts to paper addressed to no one, the process of acknowledging your thoughts, emotions, and struggles through writing can lead to emotional and spiritual healing.

How did you connect your emotions, thoughts, and insights during the early days following your loss?  Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Bargaining: Why Did you have to Leave?

Asking “why?” became my bargaining tool. I cannot count the times I asked that question.  I asked John in my letters to him. I asked God, but there was never a response.  The result was many days of creating reasons that made sense to me and creating scenarios that would make the outcome different.

Several years ago, I wrote a series of posts on grief after my husband died. It seems appropriate to share some of those earlier posts now, nearly seven years later. Grief impacts us daily and is never easy to manage. This post discusses the unanswered “why?” that surrounded John’s unexpected death.

“Why?” becomes a bargaining tool

John often sent texts that began with “Howzit?” He wanted to know how my day was going and that he was awake. I miss that phrase; I miss his simple words of care and humor that turned even the most difficult day into a pleasant one. I could not understand why God would take those moments of joy from me. I wondered how I would survive without him.

Asking “why?” became my bargaining tool. I cannot count the times I asked that question.  I asked John in my letters to him. I asked God, but there was never a response.  I spent many days creating reasons that made sense to me and thinking of scenarios that would make the outcome different. My list of “What if…” was long and complicated. I told myself that if I knew “why”, I would feel less guilty and could let go of the self-blame.

Learning to change my focus

With time, I accepted that I would never know why John was taken from me, but not without a long intense struggle. Moving on from bargaining required me to stop asking why.  Once I stopped asking why I recalled the things John taught me. I recalled the life he lived. I remembered things he shared with me that helped me heal and become the person that I am. I can’t change the events of the day John died, but I can change what I focus on.

John once told me that it is more important to focus on how God brings you out of a painful experience than to focus on the experience. Remembering this helped me stop asking why John left me and begin focusing on sharing how he affected my life and my family.

This is not your fault

I don’t know how many times I have told someone who is in the midst of grief, “this is not your fault.” You may “know” the truth of that statement, but you are now experiencing the guilt and blame more intensely than ever before. When you feel guilt or blame creep in, remember how your loved one impacted your life. Focusing on the life lived by your loved one can help you move beyond the exhausting task of bargaining to change the unchangeable events surrounding the loss of your loved one.

The disciples’ grief & the bargaining

I imagine that the disciples asked “Why?” many times during the days after the crucifixion. Even though Christ told them what was to come, the followers did not understand they only had a short time left with their beloved leader, much less that he would be back. For His friends and disciples, the grief was real. These men and women lost the greatest companion they had ever known.

The promise that he would come back or even the promise that he was going to prepare a place for them did not ease their grief. They were in pain. They were afraid. They probably asked the question “Why did He let this happen? “ What could I have done to prevent it?” Perhaps they wondered how they could minister to others when their grief was so intense. I wonder if like me they struggled with thoughts they must deny their intense pain so those who looked to them for guidance would not lose faith. I imagine that hearing someone quote what Christ told them at the last supper resulted in a mixture of anger confusion and doubt. After all, they walked with Christ every day.

They wanted to know “Why did He leave us?”

Christ knew exactly what His future would be. He also knew nothing his disciples said or did would change the outcome. However, the disciples did not immediately understand or accept His purpose would continue without Christ’s physical presence.

Christ provides a comforter

Christ rose from the dead and then ascended to heaven, which though altogether different from death, still left the disciples on their own. The disciples finally understood Christ’s purpose and began sharing their experiences with the world. Christ gave them His Spirit, the comforter, to empower them in this mission. They stopped asking why He had to leave and started sharing who he was.

As followers of Christ, we have that same Spirit within us, a comforter in our deepest grief.  While the answer to “Why?” may not always come, the Spirit can empower you to change your focus and move past bargaining to embracing all that your loved one added to your life and taught.

List ways your loved one impacted your life? How can you share those “gifts” with others? Share your comments below.

When Grief Erupts

“I have cried more and more intensely than I have in years. I have realized that the deep sorrow of grief will not be pushed away forever. Oh I tried by letting it bubble out for brief moments thinking, “I can do this.” Short blasts of tears predict the eruption to come. Body tremors warn of the pain within. Fatigue warns that all is not well in the soul. Then the deep sorrow and anguish of grief erupts.   The eruption will not stop until the depth of pain is released.

Note: My husband, John, died almost 7 years ago. I wrote this blog about a year after his passing. As I thought about what to share today, this piece resonated with me. I no longer experience intense eruptions of grief, but I do have moments of sadness. Reading this post again, reminded me of how far I’ve come. Perhaps my words will give someone else hope as they navigate grief.

During the months following John’s death, I took pride in the fact that I was not as distraught as those I read about in various articles or grief blogs. I was emotional, but I was not falling apart. I was tired, but I never felt like I could not get out of bed. I cried, but I never felt so sad I could not speak without crying. I successfully hid the intense emotion. In my mind, I was an expert on grief. I pushed through the hurt. I even taught a class on grief and loss. I convinced myself that I was not an emotional train wreck.

Grief erupts: When a volcano of despair blindsides you

The truth is for 8 months I pushed down every intense emotion that tried to bubble out of my soul by using old habits of coping. I found comfort in food. Food kept the intense sorrow locked inside. I ate when I was alone or when I was sad. Eventually, the volcano of despair could no longer be contained and grief erupted! I woke up as tired as when I went to bed. My body ached in places that had not ached for months. I struggled to get out of bed each day. My tears flowed like lava that cannot be contained.

“I have cried more and more intensely than I have in years. I have realized that the deep sorrow of grief will not be pushed away forever. Oh I tried by letting it bubble out for brief moments thinking, “I can do this.” Short blasts of tears predict the eruption to come. Body tremors warn of the pain within. Fatigue warns that all is not well in the soul. Then the deep sorrow and anguish of grief erupts.   The eruption will not stop until the depth of pain is released. The violent eruption exhausts my being. I grasp for something familiar to hold to. I cry, sob and my body trembles until I can cry no more. Then there is calm, but the sadness remains because the reality of the loss is now undeniable. The volcano is quiet for now, but I fear the rumbling within.”

Like a city in the path of the hot, volcanic river of fire, I could not ignore the pain.  I was forced to face it.  I was forced to accept it. I had no choice. I felt helpless and out of control, which led to anxiety and fear. I tried to manage the eruption without help but soon realized that led to more exhaustion and frustration. I realized my survival depended on yielding to the intensity of emotion. Doing so meant there were tasks I could not perform both personally and at work. I delegated tasks. I rescheduled tasks that could be rescheduled. I accepted that some tasks were left undone. When I needed to cry, I left the office or simply stayed home and worked when I could. Fortunately, my supervisor understood and helped me adjust my schedule to accommodate the onslaught of emotions.

Navigating the eruption

When grief erupts give yourself permission to experience it.

When you fall back into old patterns (and you probably will), have at least one person who will be honest with you. Someone who will point out negative coping. Someone who will direct you to healthy coping to get through the “moment” of stress.

When you begin to feel the exhaustion of grief rest. This may mean taking more breaks during your workday. You may need to take partial or full days off when the eruption is intense. When the exhaustion of grief erupts it invades every fiber of your being. When grief erupts you need to rest.

Find outlets that are healthy and work for you

In order to prevent “capping” the volcano with old behaviors, I wrote my thoughts in my journal. I talked to my counselor. Most importantly I prayed and read my favorite scriptures. I was not perfect in this effort but when I allowed Christ to enter the eruption, my soul was refreshed. My body was renewed. I could face the challenge of a new day.

You are not alone

When grief erupts remember you are not alone. You do not have to “fix this”. Remember Christ’s words, “Come unto me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28. I have used that phrase with clients countless times. I sometimes forget the simplicity of this short scripture. Christ provides all we need for every situation, but we have to “come”, “knock”, “seek”, ask” (Matthew 7:7). I have spoken these words countless times to those I counsel, but I felt guilty applying them to myself. Sometimes, when the heat of the eruption was unbearable, the last thing I wanted to hear was a quote from the Bible. However, this was in fact, what I needed to hear. Only when I allowed the words to sink in was I able to receive. I surrendered pride and allowed Him to comfort me instead of turning to food. I surrendered fear of failure and allowed Him hold me as I cried. I surrendered control and allowed Him to guide me (sometimes through others) toward the peace of letting grief erupt. Letting go of the need to be strong and perfect freed me to “hear, ask, seek and receive” the peace Christ longs to give me. A peace that no bad habit can provide.

How are you manage the eruption of grief? What brings comfort to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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