Distorted Love

Sometimes poetry allows expression of emotion that prose does not allow. Writing these Sonnets helped me connect the thread of how my early experiences affected how I defined love and my relationships with others, with myself and how I interpreted everyday experiences.

Repost: The following blog was part of an assignment in the Apologetics program at Houston Baptist University. It was one of the first blogs I posted to this website and was my first attempt at writing sonnets. This month as I focus on the topic of love and healthy relationships, I thought I would revisit where my writing began. There are links in the text to the five sonnets I wrote for the assignment. 

Modern culture often distorts the love through carelessness, but sometimes “deliberately… by those who find it in their interests to render” the term love “empty of meaning.”[1] Child sexual abuse, for example, distorts love at a vulnerable age. The abuser deliberately manipulates the child by implying that love and sex are the same act. For me, love distorted by my father and others from a very young age.

There are many ways to convey the hurt, anger and confusion created by such a distortion. Poetry provides an avenue for creative expression that helped me reveal my inner turmoil and eventual relief in a simple form. I chose a specific form of poetry, the sonnet.  In the four-sonnet sequence, I describe how my early experience of sexual abuse from my father created a distorted understanding of love in my mind. The distortion continued for most of my life. My sonnet sequence describes the paradox created by language distortion through sharing my experience at five stages of my life: age eight, age twenty-six, age forty-five, age fifty-five and age sixty-five.

In Sonnet I-Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie? I describe the confusion created by sexual abuse. In ‘Sonnet II-Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?’ I describe how the distorted link between love and sexual performance led me to marry my first husband. In ‘Sonnet III-How Can I Make It Right?’ I describe my battle with pornography and promiscuity, a common outcome for an adult who experiences sexual abuse as children.

In “Sonnet IV-The Truth Revealed,” I describe the pivotal event that redefined love for me.  I describe my inner transformation and tentative acceptance of a different meaning of love.  The first two quatrains describe meeting John, my second husband. In the second quatrain, I describe our wedding, emphasizing the kiss. While I do not say this directly, I imply that the wedding kiss was our first kiss. I begin the sonnet questioning love but move quickly toward acceptance of John’s love which did not include sexual intimacy prior to our marriage.

Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” describes how my relationship with John transformed my distorted view of love. The last six lines describe my current understanding of love. I begin with the disclosure that I am a widow, but the loss does not change the truth. Line ten answers the question asked at the end of Sonnet I.  The declarations found in the remaining two lines of the provide the transition from earthly love to Divine Love. The final couplet confirms that the language distortion no longer controls my thinking and I know the true meaning of love.

Sometimes poetry allows expression of emotion that prose does not allow. Writing these Sonnets helped me connect the thread of how my early experiences affected how I defined love and my relationships with others, with myself and how I interpreted everyday experiences. I hope they provide comfort, hope and encouragement to you or someone you love.

Each Sonnet tells part of my story. Please contact me if you have any questions or comments. Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?  What Kind of Love is This? Part I   What Kind of Love is This?- Part II

[1]Holly Ordway, Apologetics and the Christian imagination: an integrated approach to defending the faith (Steubenville: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2017), 59.

The Hidden Child

Between my Sophomore and Junior year of college, my anxiety and depression grew more profound as did my compulsion to act out sexually. If I dated someone who was not interested in a sexual relationship, I broke up with them. I felt trapped and believed I must be evil.

Note: Writing sonnets helped me verbalize thoughts and emotions that were difficult to express any other way. In 2018, I told my story through a sonnet sequence as part of a class assignment in my Creative Writing course at Houston Baptist University. A lot has happened since I wrote the sonnet below, but reading it today reminded me of the journey to healing that included getting to know the hidden child.

Between my Sophomore and Junior year of college, my anxiety and depression grew more profound as did my compulsion to act out sexually. If I dated someone who was not interested in a sexual relationship, I broke up with them. I realize now, that my unconscious mind recalled my father’s threats and declarations that my purpose was pleasing him and anyone he brought to me. The problem was, I did not remember anything about the interactions with my father. I did not remember that he was the one who first ignited the flame that I could not extinguish. I felt trapped and believed I must be evil. I continued to feel the tug of the child in my dreams. I wondered whether the child held the answers to my questions. She remained hidden, but I believed that she might hold the key to my freedom.

The sonnet, “The Hidden Child,” describes the continuing battle between my conscious thoughts and the child who wanted me to listen. After the first quatrain, the sonnet is a list of questions that demonstrate the anguish I felt as hidden memories struggle to be set free. In the sonnet, I tentatively accept the existence of the child but am not certain what to do with her.

Why can’t I stop this all-consuming flame?

Oh Lord, I do not like who I’ve become.

I can’t contain what lurks within my brain.

Fire that won’t quit once it has begun.

Will I someday know who first struck the match?

Who ignited the flame that will not die?

Who’s words told me that love comes with a catch?

Does the child know why love must be a lie?

Who is the hidden child that screams for peace?

Who is the hidden child that haunts my dreams?

Who is the hidden child whose cries won’t cease?

Does the child hold the key to what love means?

Will she reveal what I don’t want to see?

Tell me, Lord, how can the child be set free?

Related Posts:

The Forgotten Fire

The Child Left Behind

Angel in the Cellar

This blog was originally posted three years ago. Today I reflected on the Sonnet and the circumstances that led me to write it. Putting the emotions surrounding my experience in the cellar was a catalyst for writing my memoir, What Kind of Love is This? Three years later, my story is published and I am sharing it with new audiences across the world. Revisiting the Sonnet seemed appropriate in advance of my Virtual Book Launch scheduled for August 7, 2021 at 2PM CDT. The sonnet expresses the theme of my story-finding God in the darkness. 

Note: This blog was originally posted three years ago. Today I reflected on the Sonnet and the circumstances that led me to write it. Putting the emotions surrounding my experience in the cellar was a catalyst for writing my memoir, What Kind of Love is This? Three years later, my story is published and I am sharing it with new audiences across the world. Revisiting the Sonnet seemed appropriate in advance of my Virtual Book Launch scheduled for August 7, 2021 at 2PM CDT. The sonnet expresses the theme of my story-finding God in the darkness. 

My last post, The Problem of Evil, began with a description of an event that I experienced at age 9. Since writing the essay, the introductory vignette has haunted me. As those who experience Post-traumatic stress reactions will understand, managing such occurrences are part of the healing process. However, I had not experienced such a flood of physical and emotional reactions to memory in years. So the experience was unsettling, to say the least. As I processed my emotions and physical reactions, I recalled another aspect of the experience that I briefly mentioned in the essay.  Throughout my life, I always felt God’s presence. Sometimes I did not understand it, but as I look back on my life, God always showed up. I have said that before, but the experience in the cellar was such an experience. Each night an angel came to the cellar and held me until I fell asleep in her arms. The constant presence of God, Christ and angels gave me glimmers of hope that kept me alive throughout my childhood.

What is a Cellar?

For you to fully understand the setting of the Sonnet that follows, I want to describe the cellar. Basically, a root cellar is a hole in the ground used to store fruits and vegetables. The temperature is a constant 57 degrees F. The room is small, damp and smells of rotting food. There are shelves for storing the fruit and vegetables, but the walls and floor is packed dirt.  In my case, there was no light except when my uncle came back to get me because the light hung from the ceiling and I could not reach the cord to turn it on.

The Game

The game I talk about in the essay and in the sonnet is the term my father and my uncle used to describe the sexual abuse. The rules of the game changed, but for most of my childhood the dominant rule was, I had to pretend to enjoy the abuse. I was a fighter from day one and rarely acquiesced to the rules. As the result, I endured days in the cellar or other absurd punishments for failing to play the game. I think my determination to fight and resist kept me alive, but it also led to substantial pain. The Sonnet describes “The Game” and my thoughts about my situation as well as the comfort of angels in the darkness.

Angel in the Cellar

As the door slams above the earthen cell,

Walls of dirt surround my shivering frame.

What must I do to escape from this hell?

To be free, must I always play “the game?”

“The game” that my Daddy says is my lot.

“The game” that now my uncle seeks to win.

“The game” my soul and body always fought.

“The game” that always ends when I give in.

But every time I cry and scream in pain.

I cannot pretend his touch brings me joy.

I cannot let him know that fear remains.

I cry out, “I am more than just your toy!”

The darkness fades and once again I see

An angel comes to hold and comfort me.

Related Posts

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

The Problem of Evil

The Child Left Behind

The View from the Foot of the Bed

Dissociation is a common occurrence for traumatized individuals. We escape to a safer place. The new sonnet is written from the point of view of the source of my escape and relief, Jesus Christ.

Introduction

The sonnet below is based on two lines from Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?, “With hope, I shift my eyes and look above/The bed. Escape and find relief again.” Dissociation is a common occurrence for traumatized individuals. We escape to a safer place. The new sonnet is written from the point of view of the source of my escape and relief, Jesus Christ. While He did not stop the abuse, He was always there to provide comfort and relief. Why He didn’t stop what was happening to me is a topic for another day.

From the foot of your bed, I see you hide

From what you fear. Your eyes reveal the pain

Of knowing that he will not be denied.

Your eyes fill with tears when he comes again.

If you are asleep, maybe he won’t stay.

He is not deceived that you are serene.

I want to shout to make him go away.

But I can only gaze upon the scene.

Frantic, you seek a way to find relief.

Finally, you understand that I am here.

You call out to me, “Jesus, help me please.”

He does not know I take away your fear.

I will not leave you. I ‘m always here

To shield your soul and wipe away your tears.

Related Posts:

Father’s Day-A Reflection

Finding God in the Darkness

Finding God in the Darkness is not easy. He is there, but we don’t always recognize him. This poem expresses my search for hope, peace and redemption in the darkness of my childhood.

Over the past few days, I’ve reviewed several of my early posts because I felt stuck. I wanted to post new content but couldn’t think of anything meaningful to write. So, I searched through the list beginning with my first post in April 2018. I smiled, cried, and even got angry as I reviewed sonnets, blogs and essays, but remained uninspired. Through tears of frustration, I exited my site and wondered, “why is it so hard to write something new?”

In my distress, I reached out to a friend who listened and encouraged me. Her words reminded me that the new content was right in front of me. The journey through my childhood, young adult years and my redemption demonstrates God’s constant presence in my life. The subtitle of my memoir is “Finding God in the Darkness” because my life experience reflects time and time again that God is always near. While I sometimes do not recognize His presence, He is always there.

This poem reflects on my journey from a questioning child, to accepting Jesus’s unconditional love.

Jesus, do you love me?

Daddy says it’s not true.

Jesus, do you love me?

The song says you do.

Jesus, do you love me?

Why did you go away?

Jesus, do you love me?

How can I make you stay?

Jesus, do you love me?

You are the vine or so they say.

Jesus, do you love me?

Will you be there at the end of day?

Jesus, do you love me?

In the corner of our yard an arbor stands.

Jesus do you love me?

You shelter me from the pain of his demands.

Jesus, do you love me?

The cellar’s dark. I don’t want to stay.

Jesus, do you love me?

An angel comes to wipe my tears away.

Jesus, do you love me?

Why won’t you let me stay?

Jesus, do you love me?

I can hear the children play.

Jesus, do you love me?

I can’t bear for you to see what’s hidden here.

Jesus, do you love me?

A dove flies free as you draw near.

Jesus, do you love me?

It’s time to end this life.

Jesus, do you love me?

You send my pastor and his wife.

Jesus, do you love me?

Show me what I should do.

Jesus, do you love me?

How do I know this is you?

Jesus, do you love me?

The path is clear, but full of pain.

Jesus, do you love me?

Can I walk this path again?

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Your love pulled me from the darkest night.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Your love made all things right.

The View from the Foot of the Bed

Dissociation is a common occurrence for traumatized individuals. We escape to a safer place. The new sonnet is written from the point of view of the source of my escape and relief, Jesus Christ.

Introduction

One of the subscribers to my YouTube Channel commented that my poetry touched her. I’m new to writing sonnets but I enjoy writing them. Poetry allows me to express emotions in a few short words that resonate with my inner child. I wrote the sonnet below two years ago, but thought I would post it again today. Perhaps you will understand the pain and sorrow that Jesus feels when He sees His children in pain. He stands at the foot of the bed and protects the child’s soul and takes away her fear. The sonnet is based on two lines from Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?, “With hope, I shift my eyes and look above/The bed. Escape and find relief again.”

Dissociation is a common occurrence for traumatized individuals. We escape to a safer place. The new sonnet is written from the point of view of the source of my escape and relief, Jesus Christ. While He did not stop the abuse, He was always there to provide comfort and relief. Why He didn’t stop what was happening to me is a topic for another day.

From the foot of your bed, I see you hide

From what you fear. Your eyes reveal the pain

Of knowing that he will not be denied.

Your eyes fill with tears when he comes again.

If you are asleep, maybe he won’t stay.

He is not deceived that you are serene.

I want to shout to make him go away.

But I can only gaze upon the scene.

Frantic, you seek a way to find relief.

Finally, you understand that I am here.

You call out to me, “Jesus, help me please.”

He does not know I take away your fear.

I will not leave you. I ‘m always here

To shield your soul and wipe away your tears.

Related Posts:

Father’s Day-A Reflection

Must I Walk this Path Again?

Although the sonnet below is a reflection of my recent journey down memory lane, I think it reflects the healing journey many survivors face as the wrestle with memories, triggers and flashbacks. If this is you, I hope my words bring comfort to your troubled heart and renew your faith that there is hope of redemption because of Jesus Christ. 

As I thought about what to share this week, I remembered the sonnet  I wrote and posted over a year ago when the emotional turmoil of writing my memoir overwhelmed me. As I worked on query letters and book proposals those emotions resurfaced. While not as intense as last year, they were exhausting. Healing is exhausting. Even after years of freedom from the emotional devastation that turned my life upside down, recalling the pain of my childhood drained me to the core. I recognized once again the importance of self-care, renewing my mind and staying connected with friends and family. More importantly, I remembered that Christ is the ultimate source of strength and comfort.

Although the sonnet below is a reflection of my recent journey down memory lane, I think it reflects the healing journey many survivors face as the wrestle with memories, triggers and flashbacks. If this is you, I hope my words bring comfort to your troubled heart and renew your faith that there is hope of redemption because of Jesus Christ.

Must I Walk this Path Again?

Oh, child so fair, your words exhaust my soul.

Your words ignite forgotten rage and pain.

Your words recall your fight to win control.

I did not think I’d walk this path again.

The path is dark, oh help me find my way.

This path is not the one from long ago.

Oh Lord, I do not think I want to stay.

The fear of pain commands that I should go.

Oh, child so fair, I hear your voice. It’s clear.

You tell the tale of hope that kept you sane.

You tell the tale that wiped away your fear.

Ah, I know why I walk this path again.

To show her she is precious in your sight.

To show her you have made everything right.

Related Posts:

Giving Her a Voice

Be Still and Know that I am God

You’ve Come so Far

My memoir begins and ends with a sonnet written to my younger self. In the first sonnet, I encourage her and let her know it’s safe to tell her story. There are a total of four sonnets strategically placed throughout the story. The final piece is a combination of phrases from earlier works. As I close out my story, I leave the reader with words of encouragement, hope and the promise of redemption I found at the end of my journey.

My memoir begins and ends with a sonnet written to my younger self. In the first sonnet, I encourage her and let her know it’s safe to tell her story. There are a total of four sonnets strategically placed throughout the story. The final piece is a combination of phrases from earlier works. As I close out my story, I leave the reader with words of encouragement, hope and the promise of redemption I found at the end of my journey.

You’ve Come so Far

Oh, child so fair, I knew you were in pain.

You let me tell the tale I had to share.

I told the tale that showed what kept you sane.

I told the tale that made us more aware.

Oh, child so fair, you stayed a while with me.

The place where Jesus took your pain away.

Oh, child so fair, you looked at what I see,

A light that turns the night to brightest day.

Oh, child so fair, I hope at last you know

Our Daddy’s words were lies and not the truth.

And when I feel the tempter’s frightening blow

I stand my ground and say, “I know my worth!”

And, by His crimson blood, my stains removed.

Transformed and white as snow, I stand approved.

Stay with Me Awhile

The sonnets in my memoir provide respite to the reader as they navigate my accounts of the pain I endured as a child. The sonnet below is placed at a critical transition between my childhood and leaving for college. My words convey hope, empathy for the child who fears the future. The poem reminds the child within that Jesus never leaves her and she can still find comfort and strength by holding on to Him.

Sneak Peak at my Memoir The sonnets in my memoir provide respite to the reader as they navigate my accounts of the pain I endured as a child. The sonnet below is placed at a critical transition between my childhood and leaving for college. My words convey hope, empathy for the child who fears the future. The poem reminds the child within that Jesus never leaves her and she can still find comfort and strength by holding on to Him.

Stay with Me Awhile

Oh, child so fair, just stay a while with me.

The place where Jesus takes your pain away.

Oh, child so fair, just look at what I see,

A light that turns the night to brightest day.

Oh, child so fair, just hear my words today.

The Son who broke the darkness with his light

Will walk with you and hold your hand each day.

And stand with you until you win this fight.

Oh, child so fair, you will not be undone.

You’ll rise above with no sorrow or pain.

You’ll remember the day you saw the Son.

One day you’ll recall his words once again.

And, by His crimson blood, your stains removed.

Transformed and white as snow, you’ll stand approved.

After the Storm

Healing from trauma sometimes feels like a Tsunami. While science can predict the path of hurricanes and other severe weather with some degree of accuracy, the projections change daily. The same holds for healing from trauma. Just when you think things have settled, another wave of memories overwhelm you. In the sonnet below, I use the storm metaphor to convey hope to the inner child who sometimes fears the next wave of memories and chaos. 

“A tsunami is like a train of waves after one wave hits, it will not be over, stay in a safe place until you are sure it is completely over.”

Healing from trauma sometimes feels like a Tsunami. While science can predict the path of hurricanes and other severe weather with some degree of accuracy, the projections change daily. The same holds for healing from trauma. Just when you think things have settled, another wave of memories overwhelm you. In the sonnet below, I use the storm metaphor to convey hope to the inner child who sometimes fears the next wave of memories and chaos. 

The sonnet is one of several I wrote for inclusion in my memoir, What Kind of Love is This? Finding God in the Darkness.

After the Storm

Oh, child so fair, from far away, the waves

Of forgotten pain flood my heart with fear.

The sea pulls me into its icy grave.

Oh Lord, I cannot die, let me draw near.

Oh, child, so fair, it’s hard to let you in.

For far too long, you fought to tell your tale.

Oh Lord, tell me now, how do I begin

To prove your love is free and will not fail?

Oh, child so fair, come rest with me awhile

And recall the one who brings you peace.

A peace that lasts, a peace that makes you smile.

Just take His hand and your fear will cease.

And, by His crimson blood, your stains removed.

Transformed and white as snow, you’ll stand approved.

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