Tag: hope

Bargaining: Why Did you have to Leave?

Asking “why?” became my bargaining tool. I cannot count the times I asked that question.  I asked John in my letters to him. I asked God, but there was never a response.  The result was many days of creating reasons that made sense to me and creating scenarios that would make the outcome different.

Several years ago, I wrote a series of posts on grief after my husband died. It seems appropriate to share some of those earlier posts now, nearly seven years later. Grief impacts us daily and is never easy to manage. This post discusses the unanswered “why?” that surrounded John’s unexpected death.

“Why?” becomes a bargaining tool

John often sent texts that began with “Howzit?” He wanted to know how my day was going and that he was awake. I miss that phrase; I miss his simple words of care and humor that turned even the most difficult day into a pleasant one. I could not understand why God would take those moments of joy from me. I wondered how I would survive without him.

Asking “why?” became my bargaining tool. I cannot count the times I asked that question.  I asked John in my letters to him. I asked God, but there was never a response.  I spent many days creating reasons that made sense to me and thinking of scenarios that would make the outcome different. My list of “What if…” was long and complicated. I told myself that if I knew “why”, I would feel less guilty and could let go of the self-blame.

Learning to change my focus

With time, I accepted that I would never know why John was taken from me, but not without a long intense struggle. Moving on from bargaining required me to stop asking why.  Once I stopped asking why I recalled the things John taught me. I recalled the life he lived. I remembered things he shared with me that helped me heal and become the person that I am. I can’t change the events of the day John died, but I can change what I focus on.

John once told me that it is more important to focus on how God brings you out of a painful experience than to focus on the experience. Remembering this helped me stop asking why John left me and begin focusing on sharing how he affected my life and my family.

This is not your fault

I don’t know how many times I have told someone who is in the midst of grief, “this is not your fault.” You may “know” the truth of that statement, but you are now experiencing the guilt and blame more intensely than ever before. When you feel guilt or blame creep in, remember how your loved one impacted your life. Focusing on the life lived by your loved one can help you move beyond the exhausting task of bargaining to change the unchangeable events surrounding the loss of your loved one.

The disciples’ grief & the bargaining

I imagine that the disciples asked “Why?” many times during the days after the crucifixion. Even though Christ told them what was to come, the followers did not understand they only had a short time left with their beloved leader, much less that he would be back. For His friends and disciples, the grief was real. These men and women lost the greatest companion they had ever known.

The promise that he would come back or even the promise that he was going to prepare a place for them did not ease their grief. They were in pain. They were afraid. They probably asked the question “Why did He let this happen? “ What could I have done to prevent it?” Perhaps they wondered how they could minister to others when their grief was so intense. I wonder if like me they struggled with thoughts they must deny their intense pain so those who looked to them for guidance would not lose faith. I imagine that hearing someone quote what Christ told them at the last supper resulted in a mixture of anger confusion and doubt. After all, they walked with Christ every day.

They wanted to know “Why did He leave us?”

Christ knew exactly what His future would be. He also knew nothing his disciples said or did would change the outcome. However, the disciples did not immediately understand or accept His purpose would continue without Christ’s physical presence.

Christ provides a comforter

Christ rose from the dead and then ascended to heaven, which though altogether different from death, still left the disciples on their own. The disciples finally understood Christ’s purpose and began sharing their experiences with the world. Christ gave them His Spirit, the comforter, to empower them in this mission. They stopped asking why He had to leave and started sharing who he was.

As followers of Christ, we have that same Spirit within us, a comforter in our deepest grief.  While the answer to “Why?” may not always come, the Spirit can empower you to change your focus and move past bargaining to embracing all that your loved one added to your life and taught.

List ways your loved one impacted your life? How can you share those “gifts” with others? Share your comments below.

When Grief Erupts

“I have cried more and more intensely than I have in years. I have realized that the deep sorrow of grief will not be pushed away forever. Oh I tried by letting it bubble out for brief moments thinking, “I can do this.” Short blasts of tears predict the eruption to come. Body tremors warn of the pain within. Fatigue warns that all is not well in the soul. Then the deep sorrow and anguish of grief erupts.   The eruption will not stop until the depth of pain is released.

Note: My husband, John, died almost 7 years ago. I wrote this blog about a year after his passing. As I thought about what to share today, this piece resonated with me. I no longer experience intense eruptions of grief, but I do have moments of sadness. Reading this post again, reminded me of how far I’ve come. Perhaps my words will give someone else hope as they navigate grief.

During the months following John’s death, I took pride in the fact that I was not as distraught as those I read about in various articles or grief blogs. I was emotional, but I was not falling apart. I was tired, but I never felt like I could not get out of bed. I cried, but I never felt so sad I could not speak without crying. I successfully hid the intense emotion. In my mind, I was an expert on grief. I pushed through the hurt. I even taught a class on grief and loss. I convinced myself that I was not an emotional train wreck.

Grief erupts: When a volcano of despair blindsides you

The truth is for 8 months I pushed down every intense emotion that tried to bubble out of my soul by using old habits of coping. I found comfort in food. Food kept the intense sorrow locked inside. I ate when I was alone or when I was sad. Eventually, the volcano of despair could no longer be contained and grief erupted! I woke up as tired as when I went to bed. My body ached in places that had not ached for months. I struggled to get out of bed each day. My tears flowed like lava that cannot be contained.

“I have cried more and more intensely than I have in years. I have realized that the deep sorrow of grief will not be pushed away forever. Oh I tried by letting it bubble out for brief moments thinking, “I can do this.” Short blasts of tears predict the eruption to come. Body tremors warn of the pain within. Fatigue warns that all is not well in the soul. Then the deep sorrow and anguish of grief erupts.   The eruption will not stop until the depth of pain is released. The violent eruption exhausts my being. I grasp for something familiar to hold to. I cry, sob and my body trembles until I can cry no more. Then there is calm, but the sadness remains because the reality of the loss is now undeniable. The volcano is quiet for now, but I fear the rumbling within.”

Like a city in the path of the hot, volcanic river of fire, I could not ignore the pain.  I was forced to face it.  I was forced to accept it. I had no choice. I felt helpless and out of control, which led to anxiety and fear. I tried to manage the eruption without help but soon realized that led to more exhaustion and frustration. I realized my survival depended on yielding to the intensity of emotion. Doing so meant there were tasks I could not perform both personally and at work. I delegated tasks. I rescheduled tasks that could be rescheduled. I accepted that some tasks were left undone. When I needed to cry, I left the office or simply stayed home and worked when I could. Fortunately, my supervisor understood and helped me adjust my schedule to accommodate the onslaught of emotions.

Navigating the eruption

When grief erupts give yourself permission to experience it.

When you fall back into old patterns (and you probably will), have at least one person who will be honest with you. Someone who will point out negative coping. Someone who will direct you to healthy coping to get through the “moment” of stress.

When you begin to feel the exhaustion of grief rest. This may mean taking more breaks during your workday. You may need to take partial or full days off when the eruption is intense. When the exhaustion of grief erupts it invades every fiber of your being. When grief erupts you need to rest.

Find outlets that are healthy and work for you

In order to prevent “capping” the volcano with old behaviors, I wrote my thoughts in my journal. I talked to my counselor. Most importantly I prayed and read my favorite scriptures. I was not perfect in this effort but when I allowed Christ to enter the eruption, my soul was refreshed. My body was renewed. I could face the challenge of a new day.

You are not alone

When grief erupts remember you are not alone. You do not have to “fix this”. Remember Christ’s words, “Come unto me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28. I have used that phrase with clients countless times. I sometimes forget the simplicity of this short scripture. Christ provides all we need for every situation, but we have to “come”, “knock”, “seek”, ask” (Matthew 7:7). I have spoken these words countless times to those I counsel, but I felt guilty applying them to myself. Sometimes, when the heat of the eruption was unbearable, the last thing I wanted to hear was a quote from the Bible. However, this was in fact, what I needed to hear. Only when I allowed the words to sink in was I able to receive. I surrendered pride and allowed Him to comfort me instead of turning to food. I surrendered fear of failure and allowed Him hold me as I cried. I surrendered control and allowed Him to guide me (sometimes through others) toward the peace of letting grief erupt. Letting go of the need to be strong and perfect freed me to “hear, ask, seek and receive” the peace Christ longs to give me. A peace that no bad habit can provide.

How are you manage the eruption of grief? What brings comfort to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Because We are Good

As I struggled to comprehend how God could love me, I struggled with an equally troubling question, “How could God love the family members who hurt me?” 

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“How could God love the family members who hurt me?”

Note: this is a repost of a blog I posted in April 2018. As I reach the end of writing the draft of my memoir, the words in this blog resonated with me. I hope my thoughts will bring hope to others who struggle to understand the depth of love God has for His creation.

As I struggled to comprehend how God could love me, I struggled with an equally troubling question, “How could God love the family members who hurt me?”  Such questions are common among women who experienced abuse as children.

For many years I simply could not understand why God did not stop my family’s abuse.  I was angry at God, yet I never lost hope that someday I would understand.  I wish someone would have pointed me to St. Thomas when I was overwhelmed with anger and guilt.  Now, do not misunderstand, I eventually forgave and moved on. However, I think St. Thomas’ argument about the basic concepts of ‘being’, ‘good’ and how He views sin may shed new light to help women who struggle with how God’s love extends to their abusers.

We are beings created in God’s image and hold a place higher than every other creature.

The initial question is: Does God love all things equally?  The answer is no. When you consider all the things God created, He definitely has a hierarchy.  He loves humanity more than animals or rocks or trees.  Why, you may ask, because humanity is rational and created in His image.  We are second only to the love God has for Christ.  We are beings created in God’s image and hold a place higher than every other creature. God came to earth as a man, not a rock or a tree. He did not come as a dog or a cat but as a man.[3]

How does this affect a survivor that questions God’s love for their abuser? First, as we determined in Part I, God loves all things. Secondly, He loves humanity more than other things because we are beings, not things. As I stated in Part I, we know that every being that God creates is good just because God creates it out of His perfect goodness. Based on the definition of ‘being’ in the glossary of St. Thomas’Shorter Summa, being means “that which is, whether actual or potential and whether in the mind (a ‘being of reason’) or in objective reality (a ‘being in nature’).”[4] In other words, a being exists as an entity that has qualities and potential.

What changes is God’s love of our actions and choices, which affects our relationship with Him.

What happens after creation does not change the fact that God created beings that are good beings.  Even a being who makes choices that lead to evil are still beings, which exist no matter what choices they make. God’s love for that being that He wills good to does not change. What changes is God’s love of our actions and choices, which affects our relationship with Him.  No matter what, the good being still exists.  God still considers the creation good.  He still loves the being (person) that He created.

However, as C.S. Lewis describes it in Mere Christianity with each choice we make, we either become more a heavenly creature or a more hellish creature.[5]   If we think of it as two aspects, the person, and the choices that change the relationship, we might understand the concept better.  The person(being) is always loved because God created us.  However, the choices we make either bring us closer to God or move us farther away.

God knows the potential of each person and wants us to receive the fullness of the good that He desires for us.[6]  He desires this for all His creation including abusers.  He loves them because He created them and they exist, but He does not love what they do.  The more they sin, the more they lose the humanity God created in them. Sin decreases their ability to experience the fullness of life and removes their desire to know God.

In all of this, God loves them as the being that He created. When they yield to evil, He cannot interact with them because evil does not come from God.[7]  While this explanation may seem too rational for some survivors, for me, it clarifies how God could love those who abused me.  Knowing that God loves all His creation, but not their sin makes sense to me.  When I combine that knowledge with faith, I understand that even when I feel ill-equipped to show love to those, I care about, I can ask Him to help me love them.  He will empower me with His strength.  He will be there. Perhaps understanding that God loves all things and that we are second only to Christ in His hierarchy will help you accept God’s love and the fullness that He desires for you. Perhaps you can fully comprehend John’s statement, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God, and so we are.”[8]

[3] Peter Kreeft, A Shorter Summa: The Essential Philosophical Passages of St. Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica ; Edited and Explained (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993),  86.

[4] Ibid, 28.

[5] Lewis, Mere Christianity, 86.

[6] Kreeft, 85.

[7] Ibid.

[8] I John 3:1-3.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made In this blog, I describe how I come face to face with my distorted self-image. I knew the truth, but still felt unlovable. One simple change altered who I saw when I looked in the mirror.  

 

As we enter into the Advent Season, I thought this post from April 2018 might be a good introduction to the season. Christ came to redeem a fallen world. For survivors of childhood abuse, that concept is often difficult to accept. The aftermath of childhood trauma is severe and takes hard work to overcome. In this post I share what I consider the most important aspect of healing, recognizing that I am not defined by the trauma, but by my identity in Christ and the fact that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” 

I have struggled with a variety of habits, hurts, and behaviors for most of my life.  My drugs of choice have included overeating to fill the emptiness in my soul, sex to avoid true intimacy and to punish myself, prescription drugs to numb physical and emotional pain.  I also pushed people out of my life by being unpredictable and mean.  I spent years searching for a way to change who I was because I did not like the person I saw in the mirror.  I could not understand how anyone could possibly love the person I saw.

From powerless to empowered

For years I worked on the emotional issues created by an abusive childhood. Although I got better, my soul remained empty. I turned to deliverance and found relief, but the habits returned. I felt worse because I thought surely God had given up on me. Why else would everything come back?  I was hopeless, powerless and empty.

Finally, I found a scripture that changed how I saw myself.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

I read the words: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” over and over.  God did not create Charlotte Thomason, the overeater, the sex addict, the emotional disaster that I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was formed by Him for a specific purpose.  My identity was not my bad habits, my behaviors, my thoughts.  I was wonderfully made!

The first step toward changing my thought pattern was to change the way I talked about my struggles.

Although it felt strange at first, I no longer said I am a sex addict, or I am an overeater.  Instead, I made one small change and began saying, “I struggle with sex and overeating, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I admitted the struggle but removed it as my identity.  Each time I made this statement, the power of the struggle decreased.

I realized that changing my thoughts made all the difference in my actions.  Stopping the negative thoughts before they took control and replacing those thoughts with a scripture about who I am allowed me to heal.  I replaced the power of the struggle with the power of the Word.  I stopped acting like an addict and began acting like someone who struggled. This did not happen overnight, but over time, the old behaviors occurred less frequently. Eventually disappearing from my everyday existence. The thoughts would creep back, but I knew how to stop them.

Knowing the truth puts things in perspective

Paul writes “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)  He is not saying he cannot change, but rather his inner man cannot do what is right.  He declares the need for something more.  That something more includes changing just one thought at a time.  Changing the thought that, “I will always be this way.  It is just who I am.” To “I am a child of God who struggles with alcohol.” Just this one simple act can stop you one time from acting on the old belief of who you are.

One thought, one minute, one hour, one day is enough to make a change in your soul.  You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day.  You can climb it one thought at a time.  You were not created as an ……(fill in the blank for yourself.)  You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I still struggle with overeating in times of stress, but I always return to the truth of who I am.  I have never returned to the darkness of despair of 20 years ago.  I know I cannot overcome the struggles in my life alone.  I can only control my thoughts.  I can replace negative thinking with what the Word says about me.  I can stand on the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You can do the same. Take the first step.  Realize the truth of who you are. Allow God to walk by your side down the road of recovery.

 

Related Posts:

Know the Truth

How do I Change?

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Must I Walk this Path Again?

The sonnet below is a poetic version of last week’s blog. In the sonnet, I attempt to capture the emotional, physical and spiritual turmoil of the past few weeks. However, I also want to express the hope and courage I’m rediscovering as I write. The final couplet reaffirms God’s love for me and the child who’s tale I tell.

The sonnet below is a poetic version of last week’s blog. In the sonnet, I attempt to capture the emotional, physical and spiritual turmoil of the past few weeks. However, I also want to express the hope and courage I’m rediscovering as I write. The final couplet reaffirms God’s love for me and the child who’s tale I tell.

Oh, child so fair, your words exhaust my soul.

Your words ignite forgotten rage and pain.

Your words recall your fight to win control.

I did not think I’d walk this path again.

 

The path is dark, oh help me find my way.

This path is not the one from long ago.

Oh Lord, I do not think I want to stay.

The fear of pain commands that I should go.

 

Oh, child so fair, I hear your voice. It’s clear.

You tell the tale of hope that kept you sane.

You tell the tale that wiped away your fear.

Ah, I know why I walk this path again.

 

To show her she is precious in your sight.

To show her you have made everything right.

 

Related Posts:

Giving Her a Voice

Be Still and Know that I am God

Giving Her a Voice

Writing the first few chapters of my memoir, What Kind of Love is This?-Finding God in the Darkness, was hard, much harder than I anticipated. I am exhausted physically, spiritually, and emotionally. While the memoir focuses more on hope, redemption, and faith rather than detailed descriptions of the abuse that I endured, it sometimes left me raw.

Writing the first few chapters of my memoir, What Kind of Love is This?-Finding God in the Darkness, was hard, much harder than I anticipated. I am exhausted physically, spiritually, and emotionally. While the memoir focuses more on hope, redemption, and faith rather than detailed descriptions of the abuse that I endured, it sometimes left me raw. I thought I had processed all the baggage from my childhood, but writing my life as a story around a specific theme has peeled away more layers. I discovered that showing my readers what happened is much different than telling the story. Telling allows me to create some distance and describe events like the narrator of a documentary. Showing, on the other hand, puts me smack in the middle of the events. Those scenes brought new insights and understanding to aspects of my childhood that carried over into my adult life. My hope is my readers will see and feel the scenes through the eyes of the child I was rather than through the eyes of an adult recounting past events.

The biggest revelation came this week when I realized that writing the memoir has transformed memories from a slide show into a feature-length movie.

I am at the center of the action and experiencing nuances of events that were left out years ago when the memories surfaced. I also discovered that I still have grief work to do for the child that had no voice and suffered in silence. I am giving her a voice through the narrative, and she is speaking loud and clear. Her message is one of struggle to find hope amid the despair and loneliness created by my family. While I struggled to understand who Christ was and how He interacted with me, I found hope through my faith in Christ.

Writing the memoir has also brought an element of joy.

Several times I’ve smiled when I realize where a habit originated. Some seem rather silly, but they show the power of childhood experiences. For example, up until last Christmas, my kitchen décor consisted of 80s’ style grapevine themed everything. I didn’t know why

agriculture blur branches bunch
Photo by picjumbo.com on Pexels.com

I liked grapevines, but the themed décor brought comfort to me. Then, as I worked on my memoir this week, I recalled that I escaped the chaos of my home by spending time in an old grape arbor in our backyard. I had encounters with Jesus in that enclosure that kept me sane during the time we lived in that house. Perhaps, subconsciously, the grapevine themed kitchenware provided that same comfort. (Yeah, I know that seems silly, but it made me smile.)

John 15:5- (ESV)

5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

I also realize that I cannot do this project in my own strength.

Early in the process, I created a group text with four women that have supported me through prayer many times over the last several years. Each time I begin writing, I send the message, writing now. I include a brief description of what my goal is and specific requests for the writing session. When I finish for the day, I send the message, done for the day. Knowing I have four powerful intercessors praying for me while I write gives me the courage and the stamina to complete the session.

I am revisiting self-care this week as I try to balance writing my story by getting enough rest, eating well, and taking care of other essential activities. Sometimes I write longer than I should because I feel an urgency to be done with it.  I realize that I can’t just be done with it because that short changes the frightened, yet very strong little girl who is showing me parts of our story that I have not attended too. I recognize the need to take breaks, take naps, and listen to my favorite hymns frequently to stay grounded.

The process has not sent me back to the darkness of my early days of healing

I know the physical, emotional, and spiritual signals to prevent that from happening. I have tools that keep me in the present. I have friends and family who pray for and encourage me. I am not alone in this process. I am not reliving the trauma; instead, I am giving voice to a very strong young lady who never gave up and who trusted Jesus to keep her soul safe from destruction.

How to Cope when Life Throws you a Curve

Sometimes life throws you a curve that seems insurmountable. You are moving along with life.  All is well.  Then suddenly, without warning a loved one dies, you get a negative report from your doctor, or you lose your job.  Suddenly, your world is turned upside down.  You feel alone. You frantically search for someone to comfort you, but friends and family are not available.  In these times, remember God provides the greatest comfort through the Holy Spirit.

Revisiting an Old Story

When I wrote this blog five years ago, my heart still ached from the loss of my husband. I longed for just a few moments with John to share daily events and accomplishments. I longed to hear his voice one more time. As I considered what to post today, I realized that recent events triggered similar feelings of sorrow. However, the triggering events were not losses, they were achievements that I wanted to share with John. I wanted to tell him about starting to write my memoir and graduating from HBU with a Master of Arts in Apologetics. I wanted to bounce ideas off him as I wrote the chapters of my memoir, but he is not here. I miss him. Reading this blog renewed me and reoriented my heart toward the ultimate comforter.

How to Cope when Life throws you a curve

Sometimes life throws you a curve that seems insurmountable. You are moving along with life.  All is well.  Then suddenly, without warning a loved one dies, you get a negative report from your doctor, or you lose your job.  Suddenly, your world is turned upside down.  You feel alone. You frantically search for someone to comfort you, but friends and family are not available.  In these times, remember God provides the greatest comfort through the Holy Spirit.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Several months after my husband, John’s death, I was feeling well most of the time.  The intense emotions surrounding the day of the month that he died were a faint memory. However, at the 20-month mark, I felt a level of intensity that reminded me of the days immediately following his death. There seemed to be no relief.

Friends and family were unavailable due to their own circumstances. They reached out to me via text messages, phone calls, and prayer, which helped for a moment.  A simple text from my grandson, Isaac “Miss U,” brought a smile.  A word from my daughter, “I love you,” calmed me for an instant.  My sister-in-law asking, “How’s your day going?” eased the sorrow.  But none of these things lasted.   I felt disconnected from God.  Somehow, I believed I should be “over” this and be able to move on.  I told myself, “get a grip.”  I was not prepared for the emotional intensity that consumed me. I longed for comfort.  Then I remembered a scripture that I memorized as a child.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Ps. 23

 When life throws you a curve, God can use it to bring you closer to Him.

While I do not feel God necessarily removed my support system, I know He used the circumstance to force me to turn to Him.   One morning I decided to listen to music while I drank my morning coffee.  My thought was to connect with God and hopefully find relief from the sorrow in my soul.  The first song was a man singing,” God gave me you…” to his wife.  Surprisingly, after the initial, “you’ve got to be kidding me.” I smiled.  I felt God whisper, “It’s going to be okay, Charlotte.  I am still here with you.”  In that 30 second connection, I realized that although my friends and family could not comfort me, God was ever present to “refresh my soul… lead me beside still waters and comfort me.”  This truth got me through that day.

God’s Presence overcomes any circumstance

No matter what life throws at you, God’s presence can bring comfort.  Whether the curve is a death or some other significant loss, He is always the ultimate source of comfort.  We all have people in our lives who are good at comforting those who are in pain, but there will be times when these “comforters” will not be able to connect with you.   In any circumstance, God, through the Holy Spirit, can bring a peace that passes all understanding. If only for a moment.  Sometimes that is all you need. Peace at the moment.  In times of most profound sorrow, His presence will refresh your soul as he leads you beside still waters to comfort you.

When has God been your comforter when life throws you a curve?

 

Spring is Coming!

When I am in the midst of a difficult season in my life, I sometimes forget that spring is coming.  I can’t see any further than my circumstance.  Fortunately, God knows SPRING IS COMING!  I ask myself, why should I worry.

“Did you get it?”,  John asked with eager anticipation in his voice. “Yes, here it is,” I replied, “Looks really good this year.”   “Should be, after the rain we had in January, he commented.

As he opened the pages of the magazine, he reminded me of a child who just opened the best Christmas present ever!  For the next several hours, John poured over page after page of pictures of wildflowers.  Nothing else mattered at that moment.  I sat on the couch smiling each time he made an excited, “Wow! We need to go here this year!”  Or “I know exactly where that is! I have a picture just like this one.”  By the end of the day, John had our route for our annual sojourn through the Texas Hill Country mapped out.

Every year we made the trip.  It did not matter to John if we saw one bluebonnet or thousands.  What mattered was the journey and ultimately seeing the result of God’s workmanship throughout the winter.  The bluebonnets peeked out from the grassy field’s along the Texas highways like tiny beacons of light that illuminated the drab, colorless landscape of winter.  Each blossom represented victory over the harshness of winter.  Each blossom represented a new life and a new beginning.

Before each flower pushes through the earth to show off its beauty, it must endure the winter.

I often wondered how these seemingly fragile plants bloom year after year.  What miraculous events occur that result in such beauty?   So, like any good 21st-century researcher, I Googled, “How to plant bluebonnets in Texas.”

From this search I learned:

  1. Bluebonnets need full sunlight to for best growth.
  2. Bluebonnets can be planted from September 1 through December 15, but for the best growth no later than mid-November.
  3. Bluebonnets produce large, hard-coated seeds that take time to soften, but also protect them from potentially destructive forces of nature (winter) until they are ready to form deep roots and push through the ground.
  4. Do not soak or prick the seeds.  Although doing so may improve the first year’s growth, it may also damage the seed.
  5. A significant amount of rain is needed during the winter months to soften the seeds enough to germinate.
  6. When scattering the seeds, seed to soil contact is essential. (the grass and weeds need to be cut)
  7. Seeds need to be covered by about 1/4 inch of soil to protect them from being eaten by birds or “burning” up in the sunlight.

In short,  to endure the winter, bluebonnets need to be planted in the right season, need sunlight, need contact and covering from the soil, need enough rain to soften their hard shell and need to grow at their own pace without being picked or rushed.  As I read this, I was reminded that God works the same miracle with us every time we go through a severe (winter) season in our life.

God has a perfect plan to help us endure the winter.

Spring always follows winter.  New life happens in every part of God’s creation in the spring.  Spring can be one of the most beautiful times of the year!  However, when I am in the midst of a difficult season in my life, I sometimes forget that spring is coming.  I can’t see any further than my circumstance.  Fortunately, God knows SPRING IS COMING!  I ask myself, why should I worry.

If God takes care of bluebonnets surely He will give me what I need to endure the winter:

  1. His Son, in all his glory shining down on me. John 3:16
  2. He knows exactly how long I need to endure the winter before spring arrives Isaiah 40:31
  3. He covers me with his wings until I can safely stand and flourish. Psalm 91

Although He provides all this, my part is:

  1. Not try to endure the winter without relying on Him. Psalm 78:7
  2. Not allow others to push me, shame me or blame me for being in the circumstance. Romans 8:31, 39
  3. To remain connected to God by abiding in Him. John 15:7
  4. Allowing Him to stand over me when I am weak. Philippians 4:13

No matter how cold or dark the winters of your life seem, remember SPRING IS COMING!  God provides all that you need to endure the winter.  God’s perfect plan will get you to spring.

How has God helped you endure a winter season in your life?

Are You Planted In Christ?

This blog was originally published several years ago. However, as I struggle to find the words to convey hope and redemption through a memoir, my thoughts drift back to the posts I wrote during another season in my life. Reading this post helped me remember the importance of being firmly planted in Christ. The thoughts are as relevant today as they were years ago.

Note: This blog was originally published several years ago. However, as I struggle to find the words to convey hope and redemption through a memoir, my thoughts drift back to the posts I wrote during another season in my life. Reading this post helped me remember the importance of being firmly planted in Christ. The thoughts seem as relevant today as they were years ago.

Several years ago, my father-in-law gave me a “money tree” plant which has five interwoven trunks.  At the time, he had no idea that I am the world’s worst at keeping plants alive. Because the tree was a gift, I was determined to do all I could to keep this tiny tree alive.  Initially, I was diligent about watering the tiny tree and ensuring it had the perfect amount of light to grow.  Then life got in the way. The tree sat unattended for over a month on the window ledge in the kitchen.  A friend asked me if I wanted to throw it away because it looked dead.  I almost said yes, but then I remembered my resolve to keep the tree alive.  Upon closer examination, I saw a tiny bit of green in the trunk of the tree. It was still alive!  Instead of throwing it away, I put it in a bigger pot with new soil and prayed it would survive. It did survive, but my pattern of periodic neglect took its toll.

Although the tree is still alive, 3 of the five trunks withered and died because I did not provide the proper care.

I remember sitting on the couch looking at the yellowing leaves and the withered trunk thinking, “I need to get another pot and replant it.”  By the next morning, life got in the way, and I forgot.  I often forgot to water the tree, or sometimes I think I overwatered it.  I replanted it twice.  Each time when I lifted the trunk from the pot, I threw away the dead, hollow trunks.  Both times, I noticed that the roots on the remaining trunks were underdeveloped.

The new soil was rich in nutrients, so the remaining trunks flourished.  However, the trunks were not strong enough to carry the weight of the leaves, so I placed support in the pot.   Each time  I replanted it, I took excellent care of the plant for a few weeks, sometimes for months.  The remaining trunks were small, but eventually, they no longer needed the external support to stand straight. What they do need is rich soil, water, and just the right amount of sun.

I realized that my connection to God through Christ was similar to my care of the tree.

I received the gift of salvation from my heavenly Father when I accepted Christ.  I vowed to take care of the gift so it would grow.  However, I did not realize how to take care of the gift.  My knowledge was distorted and at best superficial.  The roots of my faith were shallow and easily swayed by the temptations of the world.  I “looked” good on the outside, but my soul was slowly withering. Just when I felt I had “killed” the gift, God dramatically intervened letting me know that he saw the tiny piece of my heart that was still beating for him.

God replanted me in rich soil.

Once again, I vowed to allow the gift to take root.  I prayed, studied and surrounded myself with those that were deeply rooted in Christ.  My faith grew, my roots became stronger, but life got in the way.  I forgot to seek God when trials struck. I became angry when I could not do the right thing.  I no longer nourished my faith and resented those who tried to help me.  The battle between the world and God ripped my soul in half.   The once rich soil became a wasteland.  I struggled to find strength in the barren soil.  I sought comfort in worldly pleasures without regard for the gift I had vowed to care for.  Soon the once strong roots began to wither.  I thought I could manage to have both dead wood (sin) and strong roots (Christ).  Nothing could be further from the truth.

I had to build a stronger root system.

 Although I knew what I needed to do, it took a while for me to remove the empty, lifeless behaviors.

I could not stand on my strength and did not wholly trust the strength that comes through Christ.  During this season, I relied on friends, family and my church family to keep me from falling.  When I began to slip, they were there to catch me and prop me back up by pointing me back to the source. (God).  Eventually, my roots grew deep and strong.  I trusted the promises that were once just words on a page.  I was now rooted in Christ. When trials come, I can resist temptation because I am rooted in Christ.  When I falter, his strength sustains me. For the first time in my life I understood what Paul meant when he wrote:

Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him. Colossians 2:6-7

The key is to live in Christ.  Not outside admiring Him, but truly living in Christ and through Christ.  That is the only way to have roots deep enough to withstand the world’s temptations.  When I falter or fall, being rooted in Christ allows me to not only experience forgiveness but to grow and move forward.

For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified. Hebrews 10:14

Living in him requires diligence, faith, prayer, and repentance. Just like my tree, my roots grow strong when I keep the soil rich, watered and just the right amount of the SON.  The seed was planted the day I accepted Christ.  How much it flourishes depends on how I take care of the seed.

 

The Hidden Child

Between my Sophomore and Junior year of college, my anxiety and depression grew more profound as did my compulsion to act out sexually. If I dated someone who was not interested in a sexual relationship, I broke up with them. I felt trapped and believed I must be evil.

Between my Sophomore and Junior year of college, my anxiety and depression grew more profound as did my compulsion to act out sexually. If I dated someone who was not interested in a sexual relationship, I broke up with them. I realize now, that my unconscious mind recalled my father’s threats and declarations that my purpose was pleasing him and anyone he brought to me. The problem was, I did not remember anything about the interactions with my father. I did not remember that he was the one who first ignited the flame that I could not extinguish. I felt trapped and believed I must be evil. I continued to feel the tug of the child in my dreams. I wondered whether the child held the answers to my questions. She remained hidden, but I believed that she might hold the key to my freedom.

The sonnet, “The Hidden Child,” describes the continuing battle between my conscious thoughts and the child who wanted me to listen. After the first quatrain, the sonnet is a list of questions that demonstrate the anguish I felt as hidden memories struggle to be set free. In the sonnet, I tentatively accept the existence of the child but am not certain what to do with her.

Why can’t I stop this all-consuming flame?

Oh Lord, I do not like who I’ve become.

I can’t contain what lurks within my brain.

Fire that won’t quit once it has begun.

Will I someday know who first struck the match?

Who ignited the flame that will not die?

Who’s words told me that love comes with a catch?

Does the child know why love must be a lie?

Who is the hidden child that screams for peace?

Who is the hidden child that haunts my dreams?

Who is the hidden child whose cries won’t cease?

Does the child hold the key to what love means?

Will she reveal what I don’t want to see?

Tell me, Lord, how can the child be set free?

Related Posts:

The Forgotten Fire

The Child Left Behind

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