Tag: rape

You are Not Alone Tonight

With a sigh of relief, I whispered, “Thank you, for choosing to live.” I looked at the word document on my computer screen and felt a renewed sense of God’s presence. I sat in awe of God’s unconditional love for me.

Repost: I posted this blog nearly 3 years ago, but the last few weeks reminded me of the significance of the decision I made to live 46 years ago. Suicide is epidemic across the globe and reflects the hopelessness felt by so many. I wanted to share this part of my journey again today with the hope that it will help someone choose to live.

With a sigh of relief, I whispered, “Thank you, for choosing to live.” I looked at the word document on my computer screen and felt a renewed sense of God’s presence. I sat in awe of God’s unconditional love for me. I had forgotten the significance of divine intervention in my life. I realized that after years of healing, studying and recounting the details of my journey, I was spiritually complacent. The complacency crept in while I moved on with my life.  I spent years sorting through memories and putting together the enormous puzzle of my life. I created a program that blended faith and reason to navigate the psychological and spiritual aspects of healing, but tonight I rediscovered God’s touch.

I felt the power of His presence in my life that I have not experienced in a long time.

Tonight, as I completed the chapter in my memoir about one of the darkest, yet most significant moments in my adult life, I decided to write a letter to the young woman who decided to live. At age 22, I believed that God hated me because I couldn’t stop acting out sexually. The chapter details the events of that night, but my experience after recounting them is the subject of this post. I think I finally understand my 22-year-old self and the significance of God’s intervention. I wanted to thank my younger self for the choice she made after God stepped in.

I still had a choice even after my pastor prayed over me.

Perhaps, you have faced despair and considered taking your life or you know someone who faces that choice. I share the letter I wrote to my younger self in this post to share the new insight I gained from traveling back to the night I chose life. God did not beat me over the head with a burning bush experience, instead, he sent a messenger in the form of my pastor. My pastor did not know I was on the verge of suicide and I never told him. His purpose that night was to give me hope. I think sometimes a simple message of “I am here. You are not alone, tonight,” might be the key to saving a life.

I am thankful that my pastor listened to the prompting to call me that night.

The letter below reflects what I want to tell my 22-year-old self as I close another painful chapter in my life with renewed hope and faith in the power of divine intervention.

You are Not Alone Tonight, Charlie

Hello Beautiful,

You are beautiful, Charlie. You are more beautiful than you realize. Tonight, I agonized with you and felt the despair and hopelessness of a young woman who desperately searched for love. I cried with you as you pleaded with God to set you free. My heart broke tonight when you lost all hope and wanted to end your life. You don’t understand yet why God intervened tonight, but you will. You don’t know for sure that the love you feel from God right now will last, but you will. You wonder if you will ever be free from the torment of the emptiness in your soul, but you will.

You felt beautiful tonight for the first time in a long time. You felt God’s touch, and you remembered it from when you were a little girl. Although you don’t remember the details of the times Jesus held you in His arms, tonight you remembered how safe you felt. Those feelings are real memories. One day you will know all the times Jesus kept you from losing your soul. You are not evil. You are beautiful.

Tonight, I want you to rest and know that all is not lost. Tomorrow is a new day, Charlie. Sleep well and know that you are not alone tonight.

Love,

The Charlotte that you will become because you chose to live tonight.

You are Not Alone Tonight

With a sigh of relief, I whispered, “Thank you, for choosing to live.” I looked at the word document on my computer screen and felt a renewed sense of God’s presence. I sat in awe of God’s unconditional love for me.

With a sigh of relief, I whispered, “Thank you, for choosing to live.” I looked at the word document on my computer screen and felt a renewed sense of God’s presence. I sat in awe of God’s unconditional love for me. I had forgotten the significance of divine intervention in my life. I realized that after years of healing, studying and recounting the details of my journey, I was spiritually complacent. The complacency crept in while I moved on with my life.  I spent years sorting through memories and putting together the enormous puzzle of my life. I created a program that blended faith and reason to navigate the psychological and spiritual aspects of healing, but tonight I rediscovered God’s touch.

I felt the power of His presence in my life that I have not experienced in a long time.

Tonight, as I completed the chapter in my memoir about one of the darkest, yet most significant moments in my adult life, I decided to write a letter to the young woman who decided to live. At age 22, I believed that God hated me because I couldn’t stop acting out sexually. The chapter details the events of that night, but my experience after recounting them is the subject of this post. I think I finally understand my 22-year-old self and the significance of God’s intervention. I wanted to thank my younger self for the choice she made after God stepped in.

I still had a choice even after my pastor prayed over me.

Perhaps, you have faced despair and considered taking your life or you know someone who faces that choice. I share the letter I wrote to my younger self in this post to share the new insight I gained from traveling back to the night I chose life. God did not beat me over the head with a burning bush experience, instead, he sent a messenger in the form of my pastor. My pastor did not know I was on the verge of suicide and I never told him. His purpose that night was to give me hope. I think sometimes a simple message of “I am here. You are not alone, tonight,” might be the key to saving a life.

I am thankful that my pastor listened to the prompting to call me that night.

The letter below reflects what I want to tell my 22-year-old self as I close another painful chapter in my life with renewed hope and faith in the power of divine intervention.

You are Not Alone Tonight, Charlie

 

Hello Beautiful,

You are beautiful, Charlie. You are more beautiful than you realize. Tonight, I agonized with you and felt the despair and hopelessness of a young woman who desperately searched for love. I cried with you as you pleaded with God to set you free. My heart broke tonight when you lost all hope and wanted to end your life. You don’t understand yet why God intervened tonight, but you will. You don’t know for sure that the love you feel from God right now will last, but you will. You wonder if you will ever be free from the torment of the emptiness in your soul, but you will.

You felt beautiful tonight for the first time in a long time. You felt God’s touch, and you remembered it from when you were a little girl. Although you don’t remember the details of the times Jesus held you in His arms, tonight you remembered how safe you felt. Those feelings are real memories. One day you will know all the times Jesus kept you from losing your soul. You are not evil. You are beautiful.

Tonight, I want you to rest and know that all is not lost. Tomorrow is a new day, Charlie. Sleep well and know that you are not alone tonight.

Love,

The Charlotte that you will become because you chose to live tonight.

 

A Different Kind of Love

The most challenging experiences for me as I share my story are the times that I was “the other woman.”  Each time, I was seeking something that alluded me.  The letters that follow will hopefully speak to the young woman who finds herself in a similar position. Each letter in the 3 part series is written for a unique audience.  The first letter speaks to the young girl who was lost and confused and did not understand her environment. 

A Letter to my Younger Self

The most challenging experiences for me as I share my story are the times that I was “the other woman.”  Each time, I was seeking something that alluded me.  The letters that follow will hopefully speak to the young woman who finds herself in a similar position. Each letter in the 3 part series is written for a unique audience.  The first letter speaks to the young girl who was lost and confused and did not understand her environment.

Dear Beautiful One,

Yes, you are beautiful. You may not recognize your beauty, but it is there. I remember you very well, but now that I am all grown up, I think I need to let you know what I remember about you. Your life was hard and cruel. When you should have been playing with dolls, you were Daddy’s plaything. When you should have been full of laughter and joy, you cried in pain.

You were taught that you were only good at one thing and that was giving pleasure to Daddy and his friends. The friends laughed at you when you cried and called you weak and ugly when you screamed in pain. You learned to pretend that it didn’t hurt. You learned to expect them to come and secretly plotted that someday you would make them pay. Daddy told you that your worth was only in doing what he wanted you to do. He convinced you that no one would love you because he marked you as his. You believed him.

Then You Met George

Finally, one man, George, treated you like you mattered. He laughed with you, not at you. He taught you how to drive and helped you when you needed help. He smiled at you and told you were smart. He made you feel likable. You wondered why he didn’t want to have sex with you. He was 25 years older than you, so it did not make sense to you. Still, you felt safe with him.

Then one day when you were no longer a child, he told you how much he wanted you. He gave you books to read that made what he wanted sound right. He said his wife didn’t want to be with him and all he could think about was you. You felt something for him, but you didn’t understand what it was.

The interaction was a catalyst for you that led to disaster. You became desperate to be with George and sacrificed friendships to make it happen. You rejected a young man who truly cared for you because he was unwilling to have sex. It felt like a dam was broken in your soul that only sex could fix. You knew your behavior was wrong, but you couldn’t stop. Guilt and shame were your daily companions, but you couldn’t live without George. So the affair continued.

You Learned You were Not the Only One

George was kind, but he manipulated you. You learned that you were not the only one he”loved” the way he loved you. You learned that his world did not revolve around you. You were devastated, but you found ways to fill the void in your heart. It was surprisingly easy to find men who would be with you. I don’t remember how you found most of them. I do remember feeling horrible after each encounter. In your mind, no one could ease your pain the way George did.

Finally, you made the decision to end the relationship with George. You couldn’t live with the guilt and shame any longer. After you ended the relationship, you got down on your knees and made a promise to God. You promised Him that your days of promiscuity were over. You begged God for forgiveness. The problem was you couldn’t forgive yourself.

A Way Out

The next day the apartment manager approached you about your overdue rent. He said he could work something out and would come by later. When he arrived, you let him in, and he told you his plan. He wanted to have sex with you for the rent. You said “no,” trying to keep your promise, but he didn’t take no for an answer. He raped you, then left without a word. In your mind, the rape felt like God saying, “I don’t care about you, and I can’t forgive you.”

You cried and yelled at God for most of the night. You felt abandoned and hopeless. At the moment, you decided to take your life. You were alone in a city of strangers.  No one would care or even miss you. You bought two bottles of sleeping pills, called in sick to work, and sat on the edge of your bed with tears streaming down your cheeks. Just as you reached for the bottle of pills, the phone rang. You almost didn’t answer it, but something inside you told you to pick up the phone. Stifling the tears, you whispered, “hello.”

The next words saved your life. Your pastor was in town. He and his wife stopped in town on the way to see their son. They stopped at a hotel on the north side of the city. He said, “I was ready to call it a day, but I felt I needed to call you. We’ve been praying for you. Can we come by and pray with you and serve you communion?” You could barely speak through your tears, but you said yes.

A New Start, Maybe…

You see, beautiful one, God, did care, He sent someone to tell you that He had not forgotten you. Yes, I know you still doubted that, but you lived. You didn’t change entirely and continued to struggle with understanding what love meant.

You left George’s city to work in Iowa. You wanted someone to like you for you and not for your body, but you didn’t know how to do that. You knew how to please men. You took risks that could have killed you, but nothing filled the empty space in your soul.

You thought what you felt for George was love, but love doesn’t require performance. You didn’t know that. You didn’t understand how to be loved. You made choices based on what your perception of love. Unfortunately, you often made unhealthy choices.
What I want you to hear, Charlotte is you always knew that something was not right. You knew there had to be something different. You never forgot that God was there. He honored that. He didn’t take your pain away, but he intervened so you could live.

There’s another letter to write, but it is for an older Charlotte. So for now, I want to thank you for not giving up and for believing that there was hope for your future. Most of all, I want you to know you are beautiful and I want you to forgive yourself.

Love you,
Your older self

Related Posts

What Kind of Love is This? Part I