Tag: self-worth

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Written several years ago for my friend, Cheryl Luke’s Blog, this blog speaks to my heart this morning. I don’t have all the answers, but I know one thing, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even if that keeps me from drowning in negative thinking for one minute, I am content. I hope the post will provide hope for someone who needs to hear the truth of who they are from God’s perspective.

Note: Today I struggled once again with who I am. Feedback on the draft of my memoir pours in and I wonder how to reach those God sends to me. I’ve received emails from women who want answers to the question, “how can you trust God after all you’ve been through?” I feel inadequate to reassure them of God’s love, but then I remember that they are the women God called me to serve. They are the women I want my story to help. I scrolled through old posts to find something, anything to post on a day when my thoughts are jumbled and creativity is nowhere to be found. Then,  I read the title of this post. Written several years ago for my friend, Cheryl Luke’s Blog, it speaks to my heart this morning. I don’t have all the answers, but I know one thing, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even if that keeps me from drowning in negative thinking for one minute, I am content. I hope the post will provide hope for someone who needs to hear the truth of who they are from God’s perspective.

I have struggled with a variety of habits, hurts, and behaviors for most of my life.  My drugs of choice have included overeating to fill the emptiness in my soul, sex to avoid true intimacy and to punish myself, prescription drugs to numb physical and emotional pain.  I also pushed people out of my life by being unpredictable and mean.  I spent years searching for a way to change who I was because I did not like the person I saw in the mirror.  I could not understand how anyone could possibly love the person I saw.

From powerless to empowered

For years I worked on the emotional issues created by an abusive childhood. Although I got better, my soul remained empty. I turned to deliverance and found relief, but the habits returned. I felt worse because I thought surely God had given up on me. Why else would everything come back?  I was hopeless, powerless and empty.

Finally, I found a scripture that changed how I saw myself.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

I read the words: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” over and over.  God did not create Charlotte Thomason, the over eater, the sex addict, the emotional disaster that I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was formed by Him for a specific purpose.  My identity was not my bad habits, my behaviors, my thoughts.  I was wonderfully made!

The first step toward changing my thought pattern was to change the way I talked about my struggles.

Although it felt strange at first, I no longer said I am a sex addict, or I am an over eater.  Instead, I made one small change and began saying, “I struggle with sex and overeating, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I admitted the struggle but removed it as my identity.  Each time I made this statement, the power of the struggle decreased.

I realized that changing my thoughts made all the difference in my actions.  Stopping the negative thoughts before they took control and replacing those thoughts with a scripture about who I am allowed me to heal.  I replaced the power of the struggle with the power of the Word.  I stopped acting like an addict and began acting like someone who struggled. This did not happen overnight, but over time, the old behaviors occurred less frequently. Eventually disappearing from my everyday existence. The thoughts would creep back, but I knew how to stop them.

Knowing the truth puts things in perspective

Paul writes “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)  He is not saying he cannot change, but rather his inner man cannot do what is right.  He declares the need for something more.  That something more includes changing just one thought at a time.  Changing the thought that, “I will always be this way.  It is just who I am.” To “I am a child of God who struggles with alcohol.” Just this one simple act can stop you one time from acting on the old belief of who you are.

One thought, one minute, one hour, one day is enough to make a change in your soul.  You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day.  You can climb it one thought at a time.  You were not created as an ……(fill in the blank for yourself.)  You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I still struggle with overeating in times of stress, but I always return to the truth of who I am.  I have never returned to the darkness of despair of 20 years ago.  I know I cannot overcome the struggles in my life alone.  I can only control my thoughts.  I can replace negative thinking with what the Word says about me.  I can stand on the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You can do the same. Take the first step.  Realize the truth of who you are. Allow God to walk by your side down the road of recovery.

 

Related Posts:

Know the Truth

How do I Change?

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Sometimes the Honesty’s too Much

Sometimes when God touches me, the honesty seems too much.  Sometimes, I don’t want Him to see the “real me”.  The truth is He always sees the real me.

Today I finished the first revision of What Kind of Love is This: Finding God in the Darkness, a memoir of my journey to reclaim my identity.  The last words I typed, “See what God has done… He loves you,” reminded me of my struggle to trust God’s unconditional love. Those words also acknowledge how far I’ve come. Still, I occasionally struggle to understand the events of my life, but writing my story helped put some pieces together for me. As I thought about how to express my struggle, this blog, written a few years ago, seemed appropriate. My relationship with God continues to grow as I include Him in my daily life through prayer, study and simply being still. Perhaps my post will help you realize your beauty and value in the eyes of the Creator.

“Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much.”

This 70’s hit by Dan Hill, conveys the struggle of feeling and expressing love.  When I looked up the words to the entire song, I realized that many of the lyrics could apply to God’s relationship with us and our relationship with Him. Sometimes when God touches me, His honesty seems too much.  Sometimes, I don’t want Him to see the “real me”.  The truth is He always sees the real me. When I let go of my pride, only then can I truly experience the Honesty of God’s touch.  Only then can I allow Him to hold me until my fear, pride, and pain subside.

Trapped within my truth

How many times have I cried out to God, “how could you let this happen?”  or “You can’t really want ME to do that, do you?” Sometimes I don’t wait for an answer and simply return to the safety of what I know.  I dismiss the still small voice as nothing more than a passing thought.  After all, I know me better than anyone.  Sometimes I argue with God as if He really doesn’t know what is best for me.  I stay trapped and immobile because I choose to stay trapped in “my truth”.  I don’t want to move out of the safety of the familiar and the comfortable.  I fight the honesty of God’s touch.  Until that moment when he brings me to my knees because my truth suffocates me.  Once on my knees, God’s presence pours over me with power, peace, and strength.  At that moment, all is well.  My mind tries to comprehend the touch but cannot.  His love surrounds me and I realize the “real me” is more than my thoughts, habits, and hurt.  The real me has been touched by God to be all He created me to be. His truth heals.  His truth reveals.  His truth brings peace.

He understands How Hard I Try

Sometimes we try too hard to experience God.  The truth is God is everywhere.  He touches us every day.  I recall a time shortly after my husband, John, died when I commented to a friend, “I don’t feel God. I know He is there, but I don’t feel His presence.”  I tried hard to make the feeling of God’s presence real, but nothing worked.  Finally, one day as I drove to work, I saw streams of light piercing the clouds on the horizon.  I smiled through my tears as I felt the honesty of God’s touch for a moment.

I realized at that moment that God always wants to touch us.  I also realized that His touch comes in unexpected ways.  Sometimes it comes from a friend who calls at just the right moment to comfort or encourage us.  He touches us through worship when we feel Him through music.  Those passing thoughts that prompt us to be more than we think we can be are often God’s touch.

“Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31.

Like Peter, we have to get out of our “boat” of our expectations to experience God’s touch.  Once we step out of the boat, His hand will keep us above water if we stay connected to Him.

We don’t have to work hard to feel His presence, but we do have to ask, listen and respond when we feel the Honesty of God’s touch.

God is constantly reaching out to us.  His hand is always outstretched.  Our task is simply to grab hold of the hand and allow God to lead us from our “truth” to what He has in store for us.

 

 

At Last I Stand Approved

Writing the sonnets helped me put a lifetime into a few lines of poetry and laid the foundation for writing my memoir. As I near the end of the first revision of my draft and prepare to send copies to beta readers, I decided to repost the last sonnet of the sequence because it expresses the hope I want my readers to experience when they read my story.

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” illustrates my acceptance of my true worth.

Introduction

My first posts to this site included a sonnet sequence that I wrote as part of a graduate course at Houston Baptist University in 2017. As I considered what to post this week, I thought about my current project and the sonnet sequence came to my mind. The sequence chronicles my journey to understand love in a five sonnet sequence. Writing the sonnets helped me put a lifetime into a few lines of poetry and laid the foundation for writing my memoir. As I near the end of the first revision of my draft and prepare to send copies to beta readers, I decided to repost the last sonnet of the sequence because it expresses the hope I want my readers to experience when they read my story.

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” illustrates my acceptance of my true worth. In this sonnet, I look back at my marriage to John to show how the relationship with him helped me accept how God views me and finally rejects my father’s lies. Through the imagery in the first few lines, I describe my inner transformation and acceptance of a different meaning of love.  The last quatrain describes my current understanding of love. I begin with the disclosure that I am a widow, but the loss does not change the truth. Line ten answers the question asked at the end of Sonnet I.  The declarations found in the remaining two lines of the quatrain provide a transition from earthly love to Divine Love. The final couplet confirms that the language distortion no longer controls my thinking and I know the true meaning of love.

 

The truth revealed, now I know what love is.

At sixty-five, I can finally say

I knew the kind of love that could dismiss

Distorted views of love that led astray.

For eight short years, we shared one soul, one heart.

He made me laugh at times when life was tough.

He taught me how to love and draw apart

To understand that God’s love is enough.

I am a widow now, and still, I know

That Daddy’s words were lies and not the truth.

When I feel the tempter’s frightening blow

I stand my ground and say, “I know my worth!”

And, by His crimson blood, my stains removed.

Transformed, and white as snow I stand approved.

 

Related Posts:

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

How do I Change?

I wanted to change, but I felt powerless. How could I change and stop the pattern of behavior that was destroying me?

Writing my memoir brings old behaviors and thoughts to the forefront. I marvel at the progress I’ve made since the events in this blog occurred. I also marvel at God’s unending and unconditional love for the young woman who struggled to believe she was lovable. It took hard work, prayer, faith and the support of many to convince me that God loved me because He created me. Letting go of control terrified me, but surrendering to God brought freedom from addiction and depression.

Surrender

“Tonight will be different.” I thought as I turned the key to unlock the door to my apartment.  “I can do this.”  As I entered the living room, I deliberately avoided looking at the computer, thinking If I don’t look at it, I won’t be tempted.”   I walked past the computer once, twice, three times without stopping.  Each time my heart beat so hard that I thought it might come out of my chest.

“It won’t hurt to just check my email,” I thought.  “There is no harm in that.”  My next thought, “I’ll just look at this to see if anyone has responded,” was my downfall.

I didn’t stop with one action. My night ended like all the nights before.  When I finally went to bed at 2 AM, I thought, “Tomorrow will be different.” Tomorrow was not different. With each day, the shame increased exponentially.  I was a Christian, a leader and yet I could not stop the struggle with sex and pornography.

 I thought I was in control

In the late ’90s, the internet was still in its infancy.  However, virtual sex and pornography exploded on this new technology.  The public shame of adult bookstores was replaced with the private shame of internet chat rooms, pornography sites, and “adult” dating sites.

For me, this was a “safe” haven.  I felt in control of every encounter because I could leave the chat with the simple click of the mouse. The chat rooms gave me a false sense of power over the person on the other end of the chat. However, I always felt the same at the end of the chat. Shame, guilt, anger, and disgust filled me every time. Yet, I could not stop.  My struggle controlled me.

Surrender

I cried out to God, “What is wrong with me?”  “Why can’t I change?” “I am doing everything I know to stop this!”  His answer was simple.  Surrender!  Surrendering to God frightened me, but what I was doing on my own was not working.  I needed to surrender my will to what I knew was right. I needed to let go of the lies about who I thought I was and allow God to help me believe I was more. Capturing my thoughts changed the way I viewed myself, but sometimes I deliberately failed to capture my thoughts.  I knew the truth, I practiced the tools, but I had not yet surrendered to God.

I began searching the Bible for some justification to not surrender. Instead, I found the following passages:

But Lord I also know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13.

 Because of this, I offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, this is my spiritual act of worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:1-2

I knew how to stop my thoughts from taking over so I did not give in to the temptation. In truth, each time I chose not to take my thoughts captive, I conformed to the temptations of the world.   After some serious struggling, surrender became a daily activity.  Sometimes by just saying, “I surrender.”  Sometimes when the computer seemed to demand my attention, I simply said, “Lord, I can’t do this, but you can.”

Freedom

Sounds simple enough, right?  However, knowing the truth and living a transformed life is not the same thing.

You have been set free by Christ’s sacrifice, but your mind may tell you that is not true.  You may not feel free because you continue to struggle with negative thoughts and behavior’s, but the truth is you are free.  You cannot conquer your struggles on your own strength, but you can do all things through Christ.  Most of all, remember recovery is a process.  You are retraining your mind and your heart to believe something completely different than when you conformed to the world’s standard.  It takes time for the heart and mind to believe transformation has occurred.

How can you practice surrendering? Comment with your answer.

Related Posts:

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

Know the Truth

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Because We are Good

As I struggled to comprehend how God could love me, I struggled with an equally troubling question, “How could God love the family members who hurt me?” 

pexels-photo-733881.jpeg

“How could God love the family members who hurt me?”

Note: this is a repost of a blog I posted in April 2018. As I reach the end of writing the draft of my memoir, the words in this blog resonated with me. I hope my thoughts will bring hope to others who struggle to understand the depth of love God has for His creation.

As I struggled to comprehend how God could love me, I struggled with an equally troubling question, “How could God love the family members who hurt me?”  Such questions are common among women who experienced abuse as children.

For many years I simply could not understand why God did not stop my family’s abuse.  I was angry at God, yet I never lost hope that someday I would understand.  I wish someone would have pointed me to St. Thomas when I was overwhelmed with anger and guilt.  Now, do not misunderstand, I eventually forgave and moved on. However, I think St. Thomas’ argument about the basic concepts of ‘being’, ‘good’ and how He views sin may shed new light to help women who struggle with how God’s love extends to their abusers.

We are beings created in God’s image and hold a place higher than every other creature.

The initial question is: Does God love all things equally?  The answer is no. When you consider all the things God created, He definitely has a hierarchy.  He loves humanity more than animals or rocks or trees.  Why, you may ask, because humanity is rational and created in His image.  We are second only to the love God has for Christ.  We are beings created in God’s image and hold a place higher than every other creature. God came to earth as a man, not a rock or a tree. He did not come as a dog or a cat but as a man.[3]

How does this affect a survivor that questions God’s love for their abuser? First, as we determined in Part I, God loves all things. Secondly, He loves humanity more than other things because we are beings, not things. As I stated in Part I, we know that every being that God creates is good just because God creates it out of His perfect goodness. Based on the definition of ‘being’ in the glossary of St. Thomas’Shorter Summa, being means “that which is, whether actual or potential and whether in the mind (a ‘being of reason’) or in objective reality (a ‘being in nature’).”[4] In other words, a being exists as an entity that has qualities and potential.

What changes is God’s love of our actions and choices, which affects our relationship with Him.

What happens after creation does not change the fact that God created beings that are good beings.  Even a being who makes choices that lead to evil are still beings, which exist no matter what choices they make. God’s love for that being that He wills good to does not change. What changes is God’s love of our actions and choices, which affects our relationship with Him.  No matter what, the good being still exists.  God still considers the creation good.  He still loves the being (person) that He created.

However, as C.S. Lewis describes it in Mere Christianity with each choice we make, we either become more a heavenly creature or a more hellish creature.[5]   If we think of it as two aspects, the person, and the choices that change the relationship, we might understand the concept better.  The person(being) is always loved because God created us.  However, the choices we make either bring us closer to God or move us farther away.

God knows the potential of each person and wants us to receive the fullness of the good that He desires for us.[6]  He desires this for all His creation including abusers.  He loves them because He created them and they exist, but He does not love what they do.  The more they sin, the more they lose the humanity God created in them. Sin decreases their ability to experience the fullness of life and removes their desire to know God.

In all of this, God loves them as the being that He created. When they yield to evil, He cannot interact with them because evil does not come from God.[7]  While this explanation may seem too rational for some survivors, for me, it clarifies how God could love those who abused me.  Knowing that God loves all His creation, but not their sin makes sense to me.  When I combine that knowledge with faith, I understand that even when I feel ill-equipped to show love to those, I care about, I can ask Him to help me love them.  He will empower me with His strength.  He will be there. Perhaps understanding that God loves all things and that we are second only to Christ in His hierarchy will help you accept God’s love and the fullness that He desires for you. Perhaps you can fully comprehend John’s statement, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God, and so we are.”[8]

[3] Peter Kreeft, A Shorter Summa: The Essential Philosophical Passages of St. Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica ; Edited and Explained (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993),  86.

[4] Ibid, 28.

[5] Lewis, Mere Christianity, 86.

[6] Kreeft, 85.

[7] Ibid.

[8] I John 3:1-3.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made In this blog, I describe how I come face to face with my distorted self-image. I knew the truth, but still felt unlovable. One simple change altered who I saw when I looked in the mirror.  

 

As we enter into the Advent Season, I thought this post from April 2018 might be a good introduction to the season. Christ came to redeem a fallen world. For survivors of childhood abuse, that concept is often difficult to accept. The aftermath of childhood trauma is severe and takes hard work to overcome. In this post I share what I consider the most important aspect of healing, recognizing that I am not defined by the trauma, but by my identity in Christ and the fact that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” 

I have struggled with a variety of habits, hurts, and behaviors for most of my life.  My drugs of choice have included overeating to fill the emptiness in my soul, sex to avoid true intimacy and to punish myself, prescription drugs to numb physical and emotional pain.  I also pushed people out of my life by being unpredictable and mean.  I spent years searching for a way to change who I was because I did not like the person I saw in the mirror.  I could not understand how anyone could possibly love the person I saw.

From powerless to empowered

For years I worked on the emotional issues created by an abusive childhood. Although I got better, my soul remained empty. I turned to deliverance and found relief, but the habits returned. I felt worse because I thought surely God had given up on me. Why else would everything come back?  I was hopeless, powerless and empty.

Finally, I found a scripture that changed how I saw myself.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

I read the words: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” over and over.  God did not create Charlotte Thomason, the overeater, the sex addict, the emotional disaster that I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was formed by Him for a specific purpose.  My identity was not my bad habits, my behaviors, my thoughts.  I was wonderfully made!

The first step toward changing my thought pattern was to change the way I talked about my struggles.

Although it felt strange at first, I no longer said I am a sex addict, or I am an overeater.  Instead, I made one small change and began saying, “I struggle with sex and overeating, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I admitted the struggle but removed it as my identity.  Each time I made this statement, the power of the struggle decreased.

I realized that changing my thoughts made all the difference in my actions.  Stopping the negative thoughts before they took control and replacing those thoughts with a scripture about who I am allowed me to heal.  I replaced the power of the struggle with the power of the Word.  I stopped acting like an addict and began acting like someone who struggled. This did not happen overnight, but over time, the old behaviors occurred less frequently. Eventually disappearing from my everyday existence. The thoughts would creep back, but I knew how to stop them.

Knowing the truth puts things in perspective

Paul writes “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)  He is not saying he cannot change, but rather his inner man cannot do what is right.  He declares the need for something more.  That something more includes changing just one thought at a time.  Changing the thought that, “I will always be this way.  It is just who I am.” To “I am a child of God who struggles with alcohol.” Just this one simple act can stop you one time from acting on the old belief of who you are.

One thought, one minute, one hour, one day is enough to make a change in your soul.  You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day.  You can climb it one thought at a time.  You were not created as an ……(fill in the blank for yourself.)  You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I still struggle with overeating in times of stress, but I always return to the truth of who I am.  I have never returned to the darkness of despair of 20 years ago.  I know I cannot overcome the struggles in my life alone.  I can only control my thoughts.  I can replace negative thinking with what the Word says about me.  I can stand on the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You can do the same. Take the first step.  Realize the truth of who you are. Allow God to walk by your side down the road of recovery.

 

Related Posts:

Know the Truth

How do I Change?

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Redemption

This sonnet describes my internal conflict between the truth and a behavior pattern that seems impossible to break.

One of the possible results of childhood sexual abuse is sex and pornography addiction. As a survivor, I battled impulses to engage in sex and pornography for years. Like many survivors, my view of love was distorted and subconsciously I thought sex and power were an essential part of love. I was hungry for someone to love me but didn’t know exactly what love meant. The sonnet below describes my struggle to resist the temptation of online pornography and online interactions with men. At the end of the sonnet, I make a declaration and a plea for redemption.

This a repost from April 2018, but I made a couple of changes to improve the meter and rhyme. 

How do I Make this Right?

Does true love reside where I cannot see?

At forty-five, I don’t know where to look.

The mirror reveals the truth, the real me,

The tired, empty soul now opened like a book.

Yet, no one sees the face that seeks release.

A glowing screen beckons me to draw near.

Its deceptive words promise perfect peace.

Messages of love meant to ease my fear.

No more! I won’t believe the tempter’s lie.

No more! I won’t believe what Daddy said.

No more! I won’t let true love pass me by.

No more! I will believe the debt is paid.

Oh Lord, please hold me in your arms tonight.

Oh, can you tell me how to make this right?

 

RELATED POSTS:

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

How do I Change?

 

From Emptiness to Renewal

As I write my memoir I experience grief for the child that never knew love. While the grief I feel for my younger self is different than the grief I felt when John died, the pain is the same. The emptiness I felt after John’s death reminds me of the emptiness I felt as a child. Reviewing this post from several years ago reminds of the solution to the emptiness. I thought it might help others who struggle with the loss of a loved one or who struggle with the loss of innocence through abuse.

Yesterday marked the sixth anniversary of my husband’s heart attack. As I reflected on that day and the months that followed, I recalled the events with new insight. I wrote this blog a few months after John’s death. As I read it today, I realized how much I have grown over the past six years, but was also reminded of the importance of daily renewal.

Grief is a strange and unpredictable process.

As I write my memoir I experience grief for the child that never knew love. While the grief I feel for my younger self is different than the grief I felt when John died, the pain is the same. The emptiness I felt after John’s death reminds me of the emptiness I felt as a child. Reviewing this post from several years ago reminds of the solution to the emptiness. I thought it might help others who struggle with the loss of a loved one or who struggle with the loss of innocence through abuse.

*NOTE-I have updated the post to include current events. 

Six years ago, I stood in disbelief as I heard the doctor’s words to my husband. “You are having a heart attack, Mr. Thomason”.   I sank into the chair next to the bed. “What? That’s not possible. He can’t be having a heart attack!”  I thought as they rushed him away.  For what seemed like an eternity, I waited for news about John.  As I sat alone in the waiting room, I felt empty.  I was not alone, but the others in the room were waiting for news on their family members.  Everyone else in the room had someone else with them.  The emptiness overwhelmed me. I was afraid. I was angry.  I was empty.  I wanted to fill the emptiness, but I did not know how.

At that moment, I felt disconnected from John.  I anxiously waited for news that he was OK.  However, when the doctor emerged from the Cath Lab, he told me John’s heart function was 22%.  Those words pierced my heart!  “I might lose him forever!”  Seeing his smile when he came out of the Cath Lab, filled the emptiness and erased the fear.

10 days later he was gone forever.  10 days later the emptiness returned.

Emptiness is a physical sensation.

Emptiness is a hole in your heart. Emptiness is the chill of silence in a room full of noise. Emptiness is the echo in an empty apartment after a hard day at the office. Emptiness is four walls that no longer provide a home for two. Emptiness craves anything to fill the void. Emptiness demands your attention.

My Soul longed to fill the void.

In the months following John’s death, I reverted to old habits to push down intense emotions. I also attempted to use food to fill the emptiness I felt in my soul. My attempts were a gigantic failure. For, the emptiness could not be filled with food. Try as I might, food did not fill my soul.

A few months later, I was the one on the gurney

“We are admitting you, Mrs. Thomason. You may have unstable angina.”  I was surrounded by medical professionals. Noise surrounded me. Yet, I felt empty. I called my family. I texted my closest friend.  Emptiness invaded my soul. John was not there to listen, to say just the right thing, to encourage me or ground me so I could move forward. I wanted John. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see his smile. I wanted him to be in his recliner when I walked in the door after my hospital stay.

My thoughts returned to other moments of emptiness in my life: a child alone in the hospital, a child alone in a dark room, a young adult alone after a rape,  a widow alone. Then for a brief moment, I focused on the memories, traditions and laughter John and I shared. I cried, got angry, smiled and laughed. I could hear John’s gentle voice whisper, “I’m sorry you are having a bad, my luv.” Then for an instant, the emptiness receded and was replaced with his smile.

Later that evening, as I lay in my hospital bed, I felt peaceful and content

The feeling surprised me because none of my friends and family could be there with me. I did not feel abandoned. I did not feel “empty”. I realized that I was connected to each of them in a powerful way. They were praying for me. They texted and called me. I felt their presence and their love. I did not need their physical presence to feel that connection.

At that moment I realized that my connection to John remains intact. I have a choice. I can yield to the emptiness or I can choose to fill it with the memories of my life with him. I can attempt to fill the emptiness with food, isolate and feel sorry for myself because I am alone. Or I can choose to move from emptiness by connecting with a friend, texting someone or even inviting someone to watch a football game with me.

Hunger for Christ

I was more determined than ever to cultivate new habits and connections to lessen the emptiness in my soul. I realized that the “Him” that I hunger for was Christ. Matthew 5:6. My connection to Christ is not new, but I had gotten out of the habit of renewing the connection daily, “Romans 12:2.

During that time, I wrote in my journal,

“My soul remains empty and I long to fill the hole. My stomach can hold no more, but my mind tells me to find food to fill the void. I hunger for his touch for his smile his words of love. Food does not replace love. Food only makes me sick. Food makes me angry. Anger replaces emptiness, but only for a moment. Finally, I cry out, ‘Turn my eyes away from the hole in my heart turn my eyes toward Jesus.’ Christ keeps me safely in His arms replacing the emptiness with peace.”

Paul words to the Philippians

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

resonated in my mind the first night I was home from the hospital. I felt that peace. I felt loved. I felt full. When the emptiness returned, I was tempted to order a pizza, but I was not physically hungry. I was emotionally and spiritually empty. Instead, I connected with my Granddaughter. I  decided to start a Bible Study with a friend. I invited another friend to watch the Super Bowl with me.

I renewed my connection with God, made a new connection, renewed a friendship and celebrated a memory.

Six years later, I realize the importance of daily renewal to maintain my connection to Christ.

I still miss John. I still long to hear his voice and hold him close, but emptiness rarely enters my soul. When I am sad, I allow myself to cry. I am not always successful, but when I begin my day by talking to God, the day seems less stressful. I sometimes still revert to old habits, but I am much better at resisting those temptations. I am content for the first time in my life because, for the first time, I believe I am loved by God because He created me and I don’t have to earn His love.

 As I navigate grief, I try to:

  • Remember to give myself permission to feel the emptiness.
  • Remember the moments of joy I shared with John.
  • Find ways to reconnect with friends.
  • Renew my connection to Christ daily (even when I don’t “feel” like it)

Related Posts:

The Art of Meaningful Connection

 

Letter to a Beautiful Girl

Writing a memoir is not easy. Over the past several weeks I have learned a great deal about the little girl who endured so much at the hand of those who should have loved and cared for her. The chapters of the memoir are told through the eyes of a child, but as the adult on the other side of the trauma, I feel compelled to write short reflections to that little girl to encourage and uplift her.

Writing a memoir is not easy. Over the past several weeks I have learned a great deal about the little girl who endured so much at the hand of those who should have loved and cared for her. The chapters of the memoir are told through the eyes of a child, but as the adult on the other side of the trauma, I feel compelled to write short reflections to that little girl to encourage and uplift her. I also insert letters into the memoir at significant points in the narrative with the hope that they offer the reader a breath of fresh air as they read my story. The letter below is one of the Reflections from the memoir. I reference my father and my Uncle Ray in the letter because they were the primary perpetrators of abuse in the chapters preceding the letter. 

Oh, beautiful girl,

My heart aches when I hear your cries. I long to remove all your fear and doubt, but that must wait for just the right moment. You ask so many questions that no one answers, so you use the brilliant mind that God gave you to answer them. Sometimes your conclusions are right, but sometimes they are distorted by your experience.

You view the world through dark and shattered lenses that create a broken image of the world, God and yourself. I’ve learned much from you these past few weeks as I’ve walked beside you through the darkness. You’ve reminded me that you always wanted to know the truth and fought hard to find it. I know that you doubt God’s love for you and wonder how to find the peace and comfort you learned about in Sunday school. You will find the answer, beautiful girl, I promise you.

Do not lose your faith, little one, God loves you and never leaves your side. When He sends an angel, it doesn’t mean He loves you less. Angels protect and comfort us in a unique way. Sometimes God sends an angel; but God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are always with you.

The days ahead will be difficult, beautiful girl, but trust that God will get you through them. He will guide you along a path to freedom. You will not always live in pain and fear. You will help others, who walk a similar path, to understand how to overcome their pain.

Beautiful girl, please remember this—God loves you no matter what Daddy or Uncle Ray tell you. You are beautiful no matter what happens to you.

All my love, adult Charlotte

Must I Walk this Path Again?

The sonnet below is a poetic version of last week’s blog. In the sonnet, I attempt to capture the emotional, physical and spiritual turmoil of the past few weeks. However, I also want to express the hope and courage I’m rediscovering as I write. The final couplet reaffirms God’s love for me and the child who’s tale I tell.

The sonnet below is a poetic version of last week’s blog. In the sonnet, I attempt to capture the emotional, physical and spiritual turmoil of the past few weeks. However, I also want to express the hope and courage I’m rediscovering as I write. The final couplet reaffirms God’s love for me and the child who’s tale I tell.

Oh, child so fair, your words exhaust my soul.

Your words ignite forgotten rage and pain.

Your words recall your fight to win control.

I did not think I’d walk this path again.

 

The path is dark, oh help me find my way.

This path is not the one from long ago.

Oh Lord, I do not think I want to stay.

The fear of pain commands that I should go.

 

Oh, child so fair, I hear your voice. It’s clear.

You tell the tale of hope that kept you sane.

You tell the tale that wiped away your fear.

Ah, I know why I walk this path again.

 

To show her she is precious in your sight.

To show her you have made everything right.

 

Related Posts:

Giving Her a Voice

Be Still and Know that I am God

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