One of the possible results of childhood sexual abuse is sex and pornography addiction. As a survivor, I battled impulses to engage in sex and pornography for years. Like many survivors, my view of love was distorted and subconsciously I thought sex and power were an essential part of love. I was hungry for someone to love me but didn’t know exactly what love meant. The sonnet below describes my struggle to resist the temptation of online pornography and online interactions with men. At the end of the sonnet, I make a declaration and a plea for redemption.
This a repost from April 2018, but I made a couple of changes to improve the meter and rhyme.
How do I Make this Right?
Does true love reside where I cannot see?
At forty-five, I don’t know where to look.
The mirror reveals the truth, the real me,
The tired, empty soul now opened like a book.
Yet, no one sees the face that seeks release.
A glowing screen beckons me to draw near.
Its deceptive words promise perfect peace.
Messages of love meant to ease my fear.
No more! I won’t believe the tempter’s lie.
No more! I won’t believe what Daddy said.
No more! I won’t let true love pass me by.
No more! I will believe the debt is paid.
Oh Lord, please hold me in your arms tonight.
Oh, can you tell me how to make this right?
Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?
Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?