Tag: The Problem of pain

God follows the guidelines of good parenting.

There are Consequences

We have looked at what experts and the Bible say about effective parenting, but the question remains, does God’s parental guidance follow the guidelines of good parental guidance. There are several attributes of God’s guidance that parallel what we learned about effective parenting. First, God permits our freedom to result in consequences. He guides us by allowing our choices to play out in consequences.  Oden argues that “Freedom has no meaning if there is no risk of going astray.”[1]  As Cline and Fay point out, “If there had been no forbidden tree in the Garden of Eden, humanity would have had no opportunity to make responsible or irresponsible choices.”[2] While God could easily take control like the Helicopter Parent who swoops in to remove any chance of consequence, doing so would prevent us from learning the essential lessons of our mistakes.  Instead, God permits us to choose whether to yield to temptation or not. Just like the parent providing proper parental guidance, God informs us of the consequences of our choice. Adam and Eve, for example, knew they were forbidden to eat the fruit of the tree and why.  God told them they would die. He allowed them to choose between the known consequence and the promises voiced by the Serpent.  He did not swoop down like the Helicopter Parent, stand in front of Satan and shout, “Remember what I said about this?” Nor did He send angels to destroy Satan or rip the fruit from Eve’s hand.  He allowed his creation to choose. Then like a good parent, He followed through with the consequence and banished them from Paradise.  However, He still loved them and ultimately provided a way back to Him through Jesus Christ.

Fencing us in

Secondly, God guides us by hindering our freedom by putting obstacles in our way to protect us from “ill-motivated actions.”[3]  Like the parent who puts the fence around the yard to keep the child from entering the street, God places obstacles in our path to keep us from harm.  The obstacles only hinder us.  Like the child who discovers how to climb over the fence and enter the street, we may find a “workaround” for the obstacle, but not without encountering some difficulty.  Satan challenged God to remove His protection from Job saying, “Have you not hedged him round on every side with your protection?”[4]  By such actions, God demonstrates that He is not the Laissez-Faire Parent, who allows the child to roam freely without guidance. However, if we discover how to overcome the obstacle, God does not become the Drill Sergeant or Helicopter Parent when we get into trouble. Instead, He allows us to grow from the SLO of our decision to climb the fence He placed around the yard to protect us. However, God will keep us from harm at times when we ask for his intervention or when the situation is beyond our ability to comprehend. God’s protection is not overprotection, but He does intervene for our safety by hedging us in or holding us back, “from committing a sin against” Him.  The psalmist prayed for such protection and hindrance of his freedom to harm himself[5], much like prayers of those struggling with addiction who pray for the hindrance of their choice to use drugs.

Overruling our freedom when we are completely out of line

Thirdly, God guides us by overruling our freedom when we are completely out of line.[6] Most parents accept that good parental guidance includes discipline such as removal of privileges, grounding and parental control of online activity. Some of these activities protect a child from predators, but most are put in place when a child’s behavior is “out of line.”  Similarly, as a good parent, God overrules our freedom when we act outside of God’s plan for us.  When the result is harm to ourselves or others, God guides us toward an outcome that turns the evil around for good, just as Joseph, whose brother sold him into slavery, became the means of redemption for them.[7] When a child hurts another person, the parent can intervene by expecting the child to learn about bullying, guiding them toward a better outcome for the child and others.  Community service for first offenders serves a similar purpose, especially when the person serves the community they offended.  God puts us into “community service” to guide us toward the plan He has for us. God’s community service may not be apparent to us because as Oden reflects, He guides us through “hidden routes” to “turn our misdeeds into potentially redeemed relationships.”[8]  Again, God acts as a responsible parent instituting logical consequences to teach us something and direct us toward His ultimate plan for us. He does not shout at us like a Drill Sergeant Parent nor does He hover over us ready to attack anyone who tries to impose consequences for our misdeed like a Helicopter Parent. Instead, He guides us toward activities which ultimately lead to restoration and growth if we listen to His guidance.

He goes before us and prepares the way

Finally, of all God’s providential governance, perhaps the idea that He goes before us and prepares the way is the most difficult for some to accept. To some, going before us may mean that God makes everything perfect, and therefore we should never struggle or suffer.   What if God acted as the Drill Sergeant Parent, barking orders to us about what direction we should go? While we may reach the goal, would we grow? Would we learn how to make difficult choices under pressure? Most likely, our reaction would resemble the response of children raised by any of the ineffective parenting styles, anger, rebellion, and inability to choose the correct path for fear of failing.  If God acted as the Laissez-Faire Parent, how would we know the options available? We would not know; we would wander aimlessly, making choices based on our limited knowledge with potentially disastrous consequences.   By guiding us instead of actively directing or demanding that we behave in a particular manner, God demonstrates the ultimate goal of good parenting which is encouraging growth, and maturity. By guiding our path, God directs us by opening some doors and closing others, thus guiding us away from disaster or inordinate temptation.[9]

Next: God is a Good Parent-Even In Our Darkest Hour

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent-Part 2 What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

The View from the Foot of the Bed

[1] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992),159.

[2] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 392-393.

[3] Oden, 158.

[4] Oden, 158.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Ibid.

[8] Ibid., 159.

[9] Ibid.

What the Bible Tells Us About Parenting

 If God is such as a good parent, why do we see violence, poverty, terrorism, and devastation on the news every day? If God, as our parent, will not allow human freedom to overrule His purpose, then why does he allow innocents to die? If God views children as “a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward,”[8] then why does He apparently abandon us when we need Him the most?

 

In my last post, I described what experts consider effective parenting. Additionally, we find the elements of proper parental guidance in scripture. “God’s love in the garden sets the example for all parents to follow,” says Cline and Fay, “he allowed Adam and Eve the freedom to make the choice.”[1]  In Proverbs, Solomon writes, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”[2]  However, in Introduction to Psychology and Counseling: Christian Perspectives and Applications, Meir et al., assert that Proverbs 22:6 does not take away a child’s freedom of choice, but rather indicates that children raised under good parental guidance are less likely to “depart from their faith.”[3] When Paul wrote to the saints at Ephesus, he admonished them, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”[4] Here, Paul cautions parents to teach and guide their children rather than being the Drill Sergeant barking orders.  Paul provides similar counsel in Colossians, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”[5] Solomon points out the negative outcome of Laissez-Faire Parenting in Proverbs 29:15 when he counsels parents that “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”[6] Finally, Psalm 127:3 describes children as “a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”[7]

Why does it matter if God is a good parent?

If God is such as a good parent, why do we see violence, poverty, terrorism, and devastation on the news every day? If God, as our parent, will not allow human freedom to overrule His purpose, then why does he allow innocents to die? If God views children as “a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward,”[8] then why does He apparently abandon us when we need Him the most? Cline and Fay provide a simple answer, “God gave all humans — His supreme creation — considerable freedom, and that includes the opportunity to goof up,”[9]  Isaiah describes God’s care for the world, “As a mother comforts her son, so will I myself comfort you.”[10]  God, who creates all things does not just leave His alone to find their way as the Laissez-Faire parent would, rather He “continues to nurture and care for them, and is constantly active”[11] on their behalf.  As Oden asserts, we are “not automations but endowed with free will.”[12]  As Cline and Fay argue, “The challenge of parenting is to love kids enough to allow them to fail — to stand back, however, painful it may be and let significant learning opportunities (SLO) build our children.”[13]

 

Next: Does God’s parental guidance (providential) follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

What Kind of Love is This?- Part II

[1] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 395-396.

[2] The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, (Crossway Bibles: Good News Publishers, 2001), Accessed June 24, 2016.

[3] Paul D. Meir, Frank B. Minirth, Frank B. Wichern, Donald F. Ratcliff, Introduction to Psychology and Counseling: Christian Perspectives and Applications, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2003), 217.

[4] The Holy Bible, English Standard Version., Ephesians 6:4.

[5] Ibid., Colossians 3:21.

[6] Ibid., Proverbs 29:15.

[7] Ibid., Psalm 127:3.

[8] Ibid., Psalm 127:3.

[9] Cline; Fay, Kindle Location 391.

[10] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 159.

[11] Ibid.

[12] Ibid.

[13] Cline, Fay, Kindle Locations 480-481.

 

What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance.

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance. The first element, nonintrusive monitoring, allows the child some element of freedom to explore their environment. For example, baby monitors allow the child freedom to experiment with language, to explore the crib or playpen without the physical presence of the parent. As the child grows, the parent may allow the child to play in the backyard while watching from the kitchen window.  The observing parent watches with readiness to intervene if the child wanders outside the boundaries of the yard.  The child may occasionally look at the kitchen window for reassurance of the parent’s oversight of their activities, but perhaps only when they attempt to move outside the limits set by the parent. According to the Johnson study, the early interactions between parent and child regarding monitoring often predict the degree of self-disclosure by the child during adolescence. The study found that “parental knowledge of a child’s whereabouts was largely based on child-self disclosure stating that “a warm parent-child relationship was associated with increased child self-disclosure.”[1]

Be Flexible

Secondly, a flexible discipline that changes with the developmental level of the child promotes confidence and independence.  In Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline and Jim Fay assert, “as children grow, they move from being concrete thinkers to being abstract thinkers when they are teens. Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits.”[2] Implementing age-appropriate natural and logical consequences at each developmental stage while “encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control.”[3]  Gradually, as the child develops, the effective parent offers the child age and developmentally appropriate choices rather than just demanding a particular behavior, so that in their teen years the child makes good decisions. Referring to the toddler in the backyard, a parent may give the toddler the choice of playing in the playpen or on the back porch outside the playpen.  The parent tells the child the consequences of leaving the porch, such as coming inside or going back to the playpen, but the choice remains with the child.  Of course, the parent must follow through with the stated consequence or the child learns nothing about the consequences of poor choices.  The pattern of offering options and allowing the natural or logical consequences continues as the child grows, but the choices become more complex with less input from the parent. As Cline and Fay argue, “They become advisors and counselors more than police officers, allowing their adolescents to make more decisions for themselves, and then guide them to navigate the consequences of those decisions successfully.”[4]

 Avoid Overprotection

Thirdly, avoiding overprotection while controlling the environment to promote the child’s safety teaches a child how to face challenges while also showing them the consequences of rebellious behavior. While some parents believe protection equates to never allowing their child to experience harm or pain, Cline and Fay argue that “Caring for our children does not equate to protecting them from every possible misstep they could make in growing up.”[5]  The limits or boundaries set by a parent should decrease as the child matures. The toddler in the backyard needs more limits than the teenager riding their bicycle around the neighborhood.   When parents put appropriate limits or boundaries in place, the parent communicates the expectation of staying within those limits. However, no matter what limits the parents creates the child may climb over a fence, but not without confronting the “serious effort of the parent at placing an obstacle in harm’s way.”[6] The goal of boundaries is protecting the child, making the task of getting into trouble more difficult.

Allow for Independence and Promote Moral Development

Finally, by allowing for independence and promoting moral development, parents direct the child toward productive lives and teach their children how to turn negative situations around for good.  As Cline and Fay remark, “When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders too often become unenforceable.”[7]  The parent may intervene when the toddler finds a way over the fence and gets into the street by scooping the child up before a car strikes him, but an adolescent who breaks the law may need to go to jail to learn the consequences of stealing the neighbor’s car.  However, according to Cline and Fay, parents should step in when:

Our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime.

When our children know they are in a situation, they can’t handle by themselves. More important, perhaps, is that they know we also know they can’t handle it. So when we step in and help them out — saying in essence, “You are incapable of coping with this situation” — it is not a destructive message because everyone is aware of the child’s inability to handle the situation.[8]

Three ineffective parenting styles:

In contrast to effective parental guidance, Cline and Fay briefly address three ineffective parenting styles: The Helicopter Parent, The Laissez-Faire Parent, and the Drill Sergeant Parent.[9]  The Helicopter Parent desires to create the perfect world for their child devoid of sorrow, consequences, and rejection.  The Helicopter parent swoops “down like jet-powered AH-64 Apache attack helicopters on any person or agency they see as a threat to their child’s impeccable credentials. Armed with verbal smart bombs, they are quick to blast away at anyone who sets high standards for behavior, morality, or achievement.”[10]  The Laissez-Faire Parent, for often unknown reasons, allows the child to parent themselves with little or no guidance from the parent. As Cline and Fay point out, “some have bought into the theory that children are innately born with the ability to govern themselves.”[11] However, they contend that Laissez-Faire parents are not really parenting, but refusing to accept parental responsibility.[12] Finally, the Drill Sergeant Parent controls the child through barking orders and demanding compliance.  Rarely does the Drill Sergeant allow the child to participate in decision making.  All three styles have detrimental effects on children, which carry over into adulthood, resulting in children who either feel entitled, have low self-esteem, have little trust or respect for authority and who do not know how to make good decisions.

Next: What does the Bible tell us about proper parental guidance?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Is God a Good Parent Part 4-Does God’s parental guidance follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

[1]Brian D. Johnson, Laurie D. Berdahl, Melissa Horne, Emily A. Richter, and Meag-gan Walters., “A Parenting Competency Model.” Parenting: Science & Practice 14, no. 2 (CINAHL Plus with Full Text, EBSCOhost: 2014), 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

[2] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 356-357.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid., Kindle Locations 364-366.

[5] Ibid., Kindle Locations 463-464.

[6]Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 159.

[7] Cline, Fay Kindle Locations 673-674.

[8] Ibid., Kindle Locations 856-860.

[9] Ibid., Kindle Location 314.

[10] Ibid., Kindle Locations 303-305.

[11] Ibid., Kindle Locations 338-339.

[12] Ibid., Kindle Locations 345-346.

Is God a Good Parent?-

Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to provide some insight into how God parents His creation. While most of my posts are informal, for this series, I divided an essay I wrote for a graduate school course into five posts. Perhaps the rational approach to this very emotional topic will help someone who currently struggles with the problem of evil in our world. 

A few weeks ago I posted The View from the Foot of the Bed which describes my perception of Christ’s view of the abuse I experienced as a child. At the end of the introduction to the sonnet, I promised to answer the question, “Why didn’t He stop what was happening to me?” Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to provide some insight into how God parents His creation. While most of my posts are informal, for this series, I divided an essay I wrote for a graduate school course into five posts.

I struggled with the idea of posting the essay because I want my blog to reflect my personal story. I don’t want the site to become all academic or propositional. However, each time that I considered how to describe why I think God sometimes allows bad things to occur, the essay returned to my thinking.

Perhaps the rational approach to this very emotional topic will help someone who currently struggles with the problem of evil in our world.

Social Media, television, newspapers, interest group forums and even our friends and co-workers bombard us the latest and greatest method of parenting.

Memes poke fun at parental mistakes or make sarcastic comments regarding modern parenting. Most recently, posts comparing parenting in the 50’s with 21st-century parenting proliferate Social Media.  The public often blames the parents for their children’s misbehavior, much like some blame God for the failures, disasters, and suffering we experience daily.  As parents, grandparents or just an adult watching children in a public setting, many questions arise about what the best way is to guide a child, so they reach their potential, are good citizens and can support themselves.  A simple Google search for “good parenting” yields thousands of results that range from corporal punishment to allowing a child to do what they want and paying the price of natural consequences. According to ‘A Parenting Competency Model’, “there is perhaps no more complex and difficult job than childrearing.”[1]   On the eternal scale, if we view God as a parent, why would we consider His task any less complicated? After all, God provides providential guidance to all of humanity. While some individuals blame God for everything that is wrong with the world and fail to grasp how a loving God would allow hurt, death and chaos among his creation, accepted styles of sound parental guidance demonstrate that God’s interaction with humanity fits the good parenting model very well. In fact, in Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology, Thomas C. Oden compares God’s providential governance of human freedom to good parenting by illustrating that God teaches, guides, sets boundaries and overrules choices that seem to jeopardize the Divine purpose.[2]

Why compare effective parenting with God’s Providential care of Humanity?

Comparing the complexity of effective parental guidance with God’s Providential care of humanity helps us understand that God demonstrates identical elements and is, in fact, a good parent.  According to Johnson et, al., competent parenting includes nonintrusive monitoring, a flexible discipline that changes with the developmental level of the child, avoiding overprotection while controlling the environment to promote the child’s safety, allowing for independence and promoting moral development. The Johnson study also emphasizes the importance of communication between the parent and child as well as the use of logical and natural consequences that result from the child’s choices.[3]  By comparison, Oden asserts that Classical Christian tradition regards providence as three interrelated phases of upholding, cooperating, and guiding.[4] He continues the discussion by explaining the four stages of Providence used by God to guide human freedom; permitting, hindering, overruling and limiting our choices.[5]

While the comparison of good parenting and God’s providential care provides foundational information, does the comparison answer the question, “Is God a good parent?” Perhaps, before we can fully appreciate how God’s providential interaction with humanity resembles proper parental guidance, we should clarify what the term providence means. As Oden defines the term, Providence is the expression of the divine will, power, and goodness through which the Creator preserves creatures, cooperates with what is coming to pass through their action, and guides creatures in their long-range purposes.”[6]   Oden continues by affirming that through God’s providence, we learn “by experience, by moving through stages of growth and by struggling toward good through evil,”[7] much like a parent cares for and guides a child toward adulthood.  When quoting Augustine, Oden argues that God would not permit evil at all unless He could draw some good out of it.”[8]  While providence extends to all God’s creation, the unique element of humanity is the freedom to choose.  Through providence, God’s care for us “never sleeps.”[9]  However, Solomon admonishes us that “A man’s heart may be full of schemes, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” (Prov. 19:22).[10]  God, as our parent, will not allow human freedom to overrule His purpose.  While God’s power is absolute, it is also orderly and follows His nature. If God is perfectly good, He must be a perfectly good parent. He created us and guides us by the same rules that He provides human parents. We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how he guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance.

Next: What makes someone a good parent?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Father’s Day-A Reflection

 

[1]Brian D. Johnson, Laurie D. Berdahl, Melissa Horne, Emily A. Richter, and Meag-gan Walters., “A Parenting Competency Model.” Parenting: Science & Practice 14, no. 2 (CINAHL Plus with Full Text, EBSCOhost: 2014), 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

 

[2] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992),159.

[3] Johnson, et al., 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

 

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid. 158.

[6] Oden, 143.

[7] Ibid., 156.

[8] Ibid., 157.

[9] Ibid., 155.

[10] Ibid.

 

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