The loss of a loved one leaves words unsaid.
Writing provides one way to say what time and death did not allow.
I love you. Nothing will fill the hole in my heart. No one knows how much I loved you. I do not know if you realized how much I loved you. I am so sorry that I got annoyed at you. I hope u knew how much I loved you. I am talking to the air. I do not know how to do this, my luv. I do not know how to live without you. I will, I know, but now, I do not know how.
Asking “why?” became my bargaining tool. I cannot count the times I asked that question. I asked John in my letters to him. I asked God, but there was never a response. The result was many days of creating reasons that made sense to me and creating scenarios that would make the outcome different.
Grief is a strange thing. It is dynamic and strikes when I least expect it. I rarely think of upcoming anniversaries, but grief lurks in the shadows ready to surprise me when I see a memory pop up on Facebook or when I hear one of John’s favorite songs. The moments of grief don’t last long and I accept them as part of life. I miss John but would not wish him to come back because I know he is walking with God and enjoying conversations with the saints.
As I write my memoir I experience grief for the child that never knew love. While the grief I feel for my younger self is different than the grief I felt when John died, the pain is the same. The emptiness I felt after John’s death reminds me of the emptiness I felt as a child. Reviewing this post from several years ago reminds of the solution to the emptiness. I thought it might help others who struggle with the loss of a loved one or who struggle with the loss of innocence through abuse.
Sometimes life throws you a curve that seems insurmountable. You are moving along with life. All is well. Then suddenly, without warning a loved one dies, you get a negative report from your doctor, or you lose your job. Suddenly, your world is turned upside down. You feel alone. You frantically search for someone to comfort you, but friends and family are not available. In these times, remember God provides the greatest comfort through the Holy Spirit.
Grief is complicated. I thought I had it figured out, but I quickly discovered that I had much to learn.
My husband,John, helped me resolve the distorted view of love my parents created through abuse. I felt loved for who I am, not what I could offer him. I decided that posting my latest letter to heaven I might help someone realize there is hope even amid tragedy.