Hope Today-Finding God in the Darkness

I am grateful for the opportunity to share moments when God showed up to give me hope in the darkest moments of my childhood as well as the importance of both counseling and faith in my healing process.

Today I had the privilege of being the guest on Cornerstone Television Network’s program, Hope Today. I must admit I was more nervous about the interview than normal because it was a live broadcast. However, the hosts immediately put me at ease. Their approach to the interview allowed me to share aspects of my journey that I’ve not shared on previous programs.

I am grateful for the opportunity to share moments when God showed up to give me hope in the darkest moments of my childhood as well as the importance of both counseling and faith in my healing process.

I wanted to share the interview on my website so others may better understand the dynamics of healing from childhood trauma.

A Letter to My 13-year-old Self

his is a repost of one of my most read blogs. As I consider all the events of the past two years, I thought the letter to my younger self speaks volumes about the journey toward publication of my memoir, What Kind of Love is This? My inner child still speaks to my soul in moments of chaos and doubt. When she does, I remind her she is not alone and thank her for her courage and fortitude through years of abuse. 

Where it began

Note: This is a repost of one of my most read blogs. As I consider all the events of the past two years, I thought the letter to my younger self speaks volumes about the journey toward publication of my memoir, What Kind of Love is This? My inner child still speaks to my soul in moments of chaos and doubt. When she does, I remind her she is not alone and thank her for her courage and fortitude through years of abuse. 

On Monday, March 18, 2019, I began the final class for the Master of Arts in Cultural Apologetics program at Houston Baptist University. The class provided the opportunity to complete a capstone project of our choosing. My project was beginning my memoir about the abuse I endured. However, the memoir chronicles more than the sexual, physical and emotional abuse inflicted on me. I wrote the detailed chronology of the abuse about 20 years ago but did not publish it. At sixty-six, I had the luxury of reflecting on my life much differently than at age forty-something. I see the consistent thread of God’s grace and the constant presence of Christ in my life. The memoir is not a testimony of instant relief or dramatic healing through deliverance; nor is it a clinic account of healing through intellectual and psychological understanding. There was no quick fix to the distress and chaos in my life. As I stated in other posts, I healed from the trauma by integrating faith, reason, and imagination. Letter writing is one of the most effective tools in my recovery toolkit. Writing letters, poems and journaling helped me express feelings and thoughts that were difficult to articulate any other way.

Who is Charlie?

Charlie is the nickname given to me in the 7th grade. I used the nickname throughout my teen and young adult years. When I started remembering the abuse at age 34, I went back to Charlotte, but I changed my middle name from Louise to Bethia.  I legally changed my middle name when I divorced my first husband. Charlie represents the child who could not speak for years because my mind silenced her.  For some reason, I felt she needed reassurance that she is safe. Writing the letter eased my anxiety about starting the memoir and allowed me to voice my fears about the project. For those who endured similar experiences as a child, think about what you might say in a letter to your younger self. As you read, imagine what your younger self needs to hear from you.

Note: Original post written before I began writing my memoir.

Dear Charlie,

Next week I begin to tell our story in a way that I never thought I would. I want to honor you in that telling, but I also must reveal things you may not be comfortable with other people knowing. You may feel betrayed by what I share. You want to hide or run away to one of your safe places. I understand because as I write, I sometimes want to run away too. The problem is that I can’t run anymore. I know you are afraid that somehow the bad people will find you and hurt you again, but I promise you they can’t find you. Most of them are dead and my name has changed so even if someone reads our story, they won’t know it’s you. I know they told you they would always find you no matter what and that you belonged to them, but they lied. They can’t hurt you anymore.

Remember how Jesus always came when you needed him most. He will not abandon you now. He will not leave you. He understands how frightened you are and will stay very close as I tell the world how badly you were hurt. He will help me explain how he kept your soul safe even when the bad people said they were stronger than him. They could not have your soul then and they will not get it now.

There are so many that need to know what you can tell them.

You never gave in to the demand to become like them. You fought them every day. They tried to break you, but you survived to fight another day. Yes, some who read the story will not believe that one little girl could endure so much pain. Some will say you made up the stories you tell. You heard the words, “that didn’t happen,” so many times that you believed them and forgot all they did to you. You invented a life that was absent of pain, a life that kept you sane.

You are Stronger than you think

When I remembered all you sought to hide, I nearly died. Sometimes I wanted to die to stop the pain. I did not understand that what happened was not my fault, nor was it your fault. I understand that now and want you to believe that you are not the evil person they said you were. You are a beautiful little girl who was robbed of innocence. You survived to tell the tale. You are not the frightened, defenseless child that hid in the corner. You are the beautiful, pure young woman who stood your ground when darkness engulfed you.

Charlie, our story will help other children who suffered in darkness. By telling the truth and sharing the light, others may finally see beyond the pain and finally be free. Put your fears to rest, little one. You are safe and no harm will come because the same Jesus who held you in the darkness stills guards your heart and your soul.

I love you,

Charlotte

What would you say in a letter to your younger self?

Related Posts:

Angel in the Cellar

Letters of Hope- Part One

The Child Left Behind

Finding God in the Darkness

Finding God in the Darkness is not easy. He is there, but we don’t always recognize him. This poem expresses my search for hope, peace and redemption in the darkness of my childhood.

Over the past few days, I’ve reviewed several of my early posts because I felt stuck. I wanted to post new content but couldn’t think of anything meaningful to write. So, I searched through the list beginning with my first post in April 2018. I smiled, cried, and even got angry as I reviewed sonnets, blogs and essays, but remained uninspired. Through tears of frustration, I exited my site and wondered, “why is it so hard to write something new?”

In my distress, I reached out to a friend who listened and encouraged me. Her words reminded me that the new content was right in front of me. The journey through my childhood, young adult years and my redemption demonstrates God’s constant presence in my life. The subtitle of my memoir is “Finding God in the Darkness” because my life experience reflects time and time again that God is always near. While I sometimes do not recognize His presence, He is always there.

This poem reflects on my journey from a questioning child, to accepting Jesus’s unconditional love.

Jesus, do you love me?

Daddy says it’s not true.

Jesus, do you love me?

The song says you do.

Jesus, do you love me?

Why did you go away?

Jesus, do you love me?

How can I make you stay?

Jesus, do you love me?

You are the vine or so they say.

Jesus, do you love me?

Will you be there at the end of day?

Jesus, do you love me?

In the corner of our yard an arbor stands.

Jesus do you love me?

You shelter me from the pain of his demands.

Jesus, do you love me?

The cellar’s dark. I don’t want to stay.

Jesus, do you love me?

An angel comes to wipe my tears away.

Jesus, do you love me?

Why won’t you let me stay?

Jesus, do you love me?

I can hear the children play.

Jesus, do you love me?

I can’t bear for you to see what’s hidden here.

Jesus, do you love me?

A dove flies free as you draw near.

Jesus, do you love me?

It’s time to end this life.

Jesus, do you love me?

You send my pastor and his wife.

Jesus, do you love me?

Show me what I should do.

Jesus, do you love me?

How do I know this is you?

Jesus, do you love me?

The path is clear, but full of pain.

Jesus, do you love me?

Can I walk this path again?

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Your love pulled me from the darkest night.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Your love made all things right.

Be Still and Know

Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

Psalm 46:10


I love this verse for so many reasons. 

“Be still” is a powerful phrase. The words are gentle, but firm. They declare God’s sovereignty over everything, yet do not evoke fear. They convey God’s love for us through His assurance that He has our back. He calms our fears by reminding us He is Alpha and Omega. He chastises us to “be still and know” He is in control. It is in the stillness that we experience God most fully. When we shut out the world and draw apart we can hear His voice and “know.”

Last week when the power went out in Texas, I found myself in total darkness and silence surrounded me. The silence woke me from a deep sleep and I was startled by the darkness. I was not afraid, rather I was annoyed. I focused on staying warm and deciding if I should stay in the apartment or go to my daughters. By evening, a small degree of panic set in as my phone battery strength diminished and the temperature continued to drop. I was about to be alone in the darkness and the cold without a way to connect with my daughter. I closed my eyes and listened to the silence. While I didn’t hear an audible voice, I experienced a calmness that allowed me to sleep. I knew I was not alone, but safe in His arms.

God reveals Himself in the stillness if we are willing to listen for His whisper.

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