What Kind of Love is This?

When I originally posted this blog, I had no idea that one year later, I would be writing my memoir about my journey to accept God’s, unconditional love. My relationship with my daughter played a critical role in my understanding of unconditional love and how God views His creation.

Understanding and accepting God’s unconditional love is difficult for survivors of childhood trauma. When I originally posted this blog, I had no idea that one year later, I would be writing my memoir about my journey to accept God’s, unconditional love. My relationship with my daughter played a critical role in my understanding of unconditional love and how God views His creation. This post takes on new meaning as I write about my years as a single parent trying to express love my child amid my own turmoil.

God is a Good Parent-Even In Our Darkest Hour

God guides us but does not demand or actively direct us. Rather, as Paul writes to the Corinthians, “God keeps the faith, and he will not allow you to be tested about your powers, but when a test comes he will at the same time provide a way out, by enabling you to sustain it.”[1]  Using perfect parental guidance, God provides a way out but does not remove the freedom to choose. 

We Always Have a Choice

After reading the first three posts about God’s parenting, some may still ask, “Why didn’t God stop my abuser?” “Isn’t abusing a child behavior that is ‘completely out of line?” While child abuse is completely contrary to God’s desire for humanity, He does not always step in and prevent the abuse. As I wrote in the last post, there are consequences for the choices that we make. The key, however, is even in this, freedom remains. God guides us but does not demand or actively direct us. Rather, as Paul writes to the Corinthians, “God keeps the faith, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your powers, but when a test comes he will at the same time provide a way out, by enabling you to sustain it.”[1]  Using perfect parental guidance, God provides a way out but does not remove the freedom to choose.  He allows us to make the choice to accept the way out or remain where we are, just like the person caught in a flood who cried out to God, “Save me, Lord.” A boat came, but the person refused, saying, “God will save me.” He climbed to the roof where a helicopter came, but the person refused, saying, “God will save me.” Finally, when the person drowned, he asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”  God replied, “I sent a boat and a helicopter.” Often we want God to act as the Helicopter Parent, swooping in dramatically to save the day. Instead, He provides the tools we need to escape. He behaves like a good parent to direct us, rather than forcing His will upon us. When we are aware of God’s providential care, our confidence, and faith increase because we know that “in everything, he cooperates for good with those who love God and are called according to his purpose.”[2]

However, as Cline and Fay point out, parents should step in, “When our children know they are in a situation, they can’t handle by themselves…it is not a destructive message because everyone is aware of the child’s inability to handle the situation.”[3] Oden reminds us that God is capable of “transcending the very order that God has created.”[4]  Just as a parent takes control when a child finds himself in a situation outside their ability to comprehend, God can intervene when our choices place us in circumstances we do not have the capacity to understand. When faced with the insurmountable, God’s absolute power can override his ordered power to perform miracles and pull us out of the fire.[5]

God Gets the Blame

While people may blame God for everything that is wrong with the world and fail to grasp how a loving God would allow hurt, death and chaos among his creation, accepted styles of sound parental guidance demonstrate that God’s interaction with humanity fits the good parenting model very well.  Throughout history, humanity has struggled, rebelled, been tempted and revolted with and against God, much like a child interacts with their parents.  Through all of these actions, God consistently models proper parental guidance. In His perfect goodness, He does what He instructs human parents to do. Anything less would not follow God’s perfect goodness. If a parent who allows their child to face the consequences of poor choices is not a bad parent, why would we believe God is unloving because He makes it possible to cope with the consequences of our poor choices rather than swooping in to save us?  How could a truly loving God, permit his creation to run wildly without guidance?  He would not.  Through his perfect goodness, God guides us toward His plan for us just as a human parent desires to guide their child toward adulthood. God demonstrates all the characteristics of good parental guidance through His providential care of humanity. In contrast, he exhibits no features of the Helicopter Parent, the Drill Sergeant Parent or the Laissez-Faire Parent.  He makes us face the consequences of our choices. He attempts to protect us by putting obstacles in our way.  He guides our steps when we are out of line. Finally, He directs us toward the plan he has for us by opening doors and closing others.

How does God’s parental guidance apply to the parent who abuses or neglects their child? The child does not make a bad choice, but still endures the consequences of their parents’ bad choice. I think God anguishes when a parent’s choice harms a child. Even though God did not sweep in and stop my family from abusing me, He was a constant presence in my life. Sometimes I was unaware of the presence but I know He was present. He kept me sane. He protected my soul and He guided me toward the promise of freedom. I did not understand why He did not just stand between me and my family. For years I was angry and afraid because I did not trust Him to protect me, but as I learned more about God’s character, I realized that He will not break His own laws. My parents will face the consequences or their choices. I do not have to worry about their fate. I am not responsible for their actions. I realize God is a good parent and He loves all of His creation.

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent-Part 2 What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Is God a Good Parent Part 4-Does God follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

[1] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992),159.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 856-860.

[4] Oden., 53.

[5] Ibid.

God follows the guidelines of good parenting.

There are Consequences

We have looked at what experts and the Bible say about effective parenting, but the question remains, does God’s parental guidance follow the guidelines of good parental guidance. There are several attributes of God’s guidance that parallel what we learned about effective parenting. First, God permits our freedom to result in consequences. He guides us by allowing our choices to play out in consequences.  Oden argues that “Freedom has no meaning if there is no risk of going astray.”[1]  As Cline and Fay point out, “If there had been no forbidden tree in the Garden of Eden, humanity would have had no opportunity to make responsible or irresponsible choices.”[2] While God could easily take control like the Helicopter Parent who swoops in to remove any chance of consequence, doing so would prevent us from learning the essential lessons of our mistakes.  Instead, God permits us to choose whether to yield to temptation or not. Just like the parent providing proper parental guidance, God informs us of the consequences of our choice. Adam and Eve, for example, knew they were forbidden to eat the fruit of the tree and why.  God told them they would die. He allowed them to choose between the known consequence and the promises voiced by the Serpent.  He did not swoop down like the Helicopter Parent, stand in front of Satan and shout, “Remember what I said about this?” Nor did He send angels to destroy Satan or rip the fruit from Eve’s hand.  He allowed his creation to choose. Then like a good parent, He followed through with the consequence and banished them from Paradise.  However, He still loved them and ultimately provided a way back to Him through Jesus Christ.

Fencing us in

Secondly, God guides us by hindering our freedom by putting obstacles in our way to protect us from “ill-motivated actions.”[3]  Like the parent who puts the fence around the yard to keep the child from entering the street, God places obstacles in our path to keep us from harm.  The obstacles only hinder us.  Like the child who discovers how to climb over the fence and enter the street, we may find a “workaround” for the obstacle, but not without encountering some difficulty.  Satan challenged God to remove His protection from Job saying, “Have you not hedged him round on every side with your protection?”[4]  By such actions, God demonstrates that He is not the Laissez-Faire Parent, who allows the child to roam freely without guidance. However, if we discover how to overcome the obstacle, God does not become the Drill Sergeant or Helicopter Parent when we get into trouble. Instead, He allows us to grow from the SLO of our decision to climb the fence He placed around the yard to protect us. However, God will keep us from harm at times when we ask for his intervention or when the situation is beyond our ability to comprehend. God’s protection is not overprotection, but He does intervene for our safety by hedging us in or holding us back, “from committing a sin against” Him.  The psalmist prayed for such protection and hindrance of his freedom to harm himself[5], much like prayers of those struggling with addiction who pray for the hindrance of their choice to use drugs.

Overruling our freedom when we are completely out of line

Thirdly, God guides us by overruling our freedom when we are completely out of line.[6] Most parents accept that good parental guidance includes discipline such as removal of privileges, grounding and parental control of online activity. Some of these activities protect a child from predators, but most are put in place when a child’s behavior is “out of line.”  Similarly, as a good parent, God overrules our freedom when we act outside of God’s plan for us.  When the result is harm to ourselves or others, God guides us toward an outcome that turns the evil around for good, just as Joseph, whose brother sold him into slavery, became the means of redemption for them.[7] When a child hurts another person, the parent can intervene by expecting the child to learn about bullying, guiding them toward a better outcome for the child and others.  Community service for first offenders serves a similar purpose, especially when the person serves the community they offended.  God puts us into “community service” to guide us toward the plan He has for us. God’s community service may not be apparent to us because as Oden reflects, He guides us through “hidden routes” to “turn our misdeeds into potentially redeemed relationships.”[8]  Again, God acts as a responsible parent instituting logical consequences to teach us something and direct us toward His ultimate plan for us. He does not shout at us like a Drill Sergeant Parent nor does He hover over us ready to attack anyone who tries to impose consequences for our misdeed like a Helicopter Parent. Instead, He guides us toward activities which ultimately lead to restoration and growth if we listen to His guidance.

He goes before us and prepares the way

Finally, of all God’s providential governance, perhaps the idea that He goes before us and prepares the way is the most difficult for some to accept. To some, going before us may mean that God makes everything perfect, and therefore we should never struggle or suffer.   What if God acted as the Drill Sergeant Parent, barking orders to us about what direction we should go? While we may reach the goal, would we grow? Would we learn how to make difficult choices under pressure? Most likely, our reaction would resemble the response of children raised by any of the ineffective parenting styles, anger, rebellion, and inability to choose the correct path for fear of failing.  If God acted as the Laissez-Faire Parent, how would we know the options available? We would not know; we would wander aimlessly, making choices based on our limited knowledge with potentially disastrous consequences.   By guiding us instead of actively directing or demanding that we behave in a particular manner, God demonstrates the ultimate goal of good parenting which is encouraging growth, and maturity. By guiding our path, God directs us by opening some doors and closing others, thus guiding us away from disaster or inordinate temptation.[9]

Next: God is a Good Parent-Even In Our Darkest Hour

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent-Part 2 What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

The View from the Foot of the Bed

[1] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992),159.

[2] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 392-393.

[3] Oden, 158.

[4] Oden, 158.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Ibid.

[8] Ibid., 159.

[9] Ibid.

What the Bible Tells Us About Parenting

 If God is such as a good parent, why do we see violence, poverty, terrorism, and devastation on the news every day? If God, as our parent, will not allow human freedom to overrule His purpose, then why does he allow innocents to die? If God views children as “a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward,”[8] then why does He apparently abandon us when we need Him the most?

 

In my last post, I described what experts consider effective parenting. Additionally, we find the elements of proper parental guidance in scripture. “God’s love in the garden sets the example for all parents to follow,” says Cline and Fay, “he allowed Adam and Eve the freedom to make the choice.”[1]  In Proverbs, Solomon writes, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”[2]  However, in Introduction to Psychology and Counseling: Christian Perspectives and Applications, Meir et al., assert that Proverbs 22:6 does not take away a child’s freedom of choice, but rather indicates that children raised under good parental guidance are less likely to “depart from their faith.”[3] When Paul wrote to the saints at Ephesus, he admonished them, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”[4] Here, Paul cautions parents to teach and guide their children rather than being the Drill Sergeant barking orders.  Paul provides similar counsel in Colossians, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”[5] Solomon points out the negative outcome of Laissez-Faire Parenting in Proverbs 29:15 when he counsels parents that “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”[6] Finally, Psalm 127:3 describes children as “a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”[7]

Why does it matter if God is a good parent?

If God is such as a good parent, why do we see violence, poverty, terrorism, and devastation on the news every day? If God, as our parent, will not allow human freedom to overrule His purpose, then why does he allow innocents to die? If God views children as “a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward,”[8] then why does He apparently abandon us when we need Him the most? Cline and Fay provide a simple answer, “God gave all humans — His supreme creation — considerable freedom, and that includes the opportunity to goof up,”[9]  Isaiah describes God’s care for the world, “As a mother comforts her son, so will I myself comfort you.”[10]  God, who creates all things does not just leave His alone to find their way as the Laissez-Faire parent would, rather He “continues to nurture and care for them, and is constantly active”[11] on their behalf.  As Oden asserts, we are “not automations but endowed with free will.”[12]  As Cline and Fay argue, “The challenge of parenting is to love kids enough to allow them to fail — to stand back, however, painful it may be and let significant learning opportunities (SLO) build our children.”[13]

 

Next: Does God’s parental guidance (providential) follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

What Kind of Love is This?- Part II

[1] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 395-396.

[2] The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, (Crossway Bibles: Good News Publishers, 2001), Accessed June 24, 2016.

[3] Paul D. Meir, Frank B. Minirth, Frank B. Wichern, Donald F. Ratcliff, Introduction to Psychology and Counseling: Christian Perspectives and Applications, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2003), 217.

[4] The Holy Bible, English Standard Version., Ephesians 6:4.

[5] Ibid., Colossians 3:21.

[6] Ibid., Proverbs 29:15.

[7] Ibid., Psalm 127:3.

[8] Ibid., Psalm 127:3.

[9] Cline; Fay, Kindle Location 391.

[10] Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 159.

[11] Ibid.

[12] Ibid.

[13] Cline, Fay, Kindle Locations 480-481.

 

What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance.

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance. The first element, nonintrusive monitoring, allows the child some element of freedom to explore their environment. For example, baby monitors allow the child freedom to experiment with language, to explore the crib or playpen without the physical presence of the parent. As the child grows, the parent may allow the child to play in the backyard while watching from the kitchen window.  The observing parent watches with readiness to intervene if the child wanders outside the boundaries of the yard.  The child may occasionally look at the kitchen window for reassurance of the parent’s oversight of their activities, but perhaps only when they attempt to move outside the limits set by the parent. According to the Johnson study, the early interactions between parent and child regarding monitoring often predict the degree of self-disclosure by the child during adolescence. The study found that “parental knowledge of a child’s whereabouts was largely based on child-self disclosure stating that “a warm parent-child relationship was associated with increased child self-disclosure.”[1]

Be Flexible

Secondly, a flexible discipline that changes with the developmental level of the child promotes confidence and independence.  In Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline and Jim Fay assert, “as children grow, they move from being concrete thinkers to being abstract thinkers when they are teens. Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits.”[2] Implementing age-appropriate natural and logical consequences at each developmental stage while “encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control.”[3]  Gradually, as the child develops, the effective parent offers the child age and developmentally appropriate choices rather than just demanding a particular behavior, so that in their teen years the child makes good decisions. Referring to the toddler in the backyard, a parent may give the toddler the choice of playing in the playpen or on the back porch outside the playpen.  The parent tells the child the consequences of leaving the porch, such as coming inside or going back to the playpen, but the choice remains with the child.  Of course, the parent must follow through with the stated consequence or the child learns nothing about the consequences of poor choices.  The pattern of offering options and allowing the natural or logical consequences continues as the child grows, but the choices become more complex with less input from the parent. As Cline and Fay argue, “They become advisors and counselors more than police officers, allowing their adolescents to make more decisions for themselves, and then guide them to navigate the consequences of those decisions successfully.”[4]

 Avoid Overprotection

Thirdly, avoiding overprotection while controlling the environment to promote the child’s safety teaches a child how to face challenges while also showing them the consequences of rebellious behavior. While some parents believe protection equates to never allowing their child to experience harm or pain, Cline and Fay argue that “Caring for our children does not equate to protecting them from every possible misstep they could make in growing up.”[5]  The limits or boundaries set by a parent should decrease as the child matures. The toddler in the backyard needs more limits than the teenager riding their bicycle around the neighborhood.   When parents put appropriate limits or boundaries in place, the parent communicates the expectation of staying within those limits. However, no matter what limits the parents creates the child may climb over a fence, but not without confronting the “serious effort of the parent at placing an obstacle in harm’s way.”[6] The goal of boundaries is protecting the child, making the task of getting into trouble more difficult.

Allow for Independence and Promote Moral Development

Finally, by allowing for independence and promoting moral development, parents direct the child toward productive lives and teach their children how to turn negative situations around for good.  As Cline and Fay remark, “When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders too often become unenforceable.”[7]  The parent may intervene when the toddler finds a way over the fence and gets into the street by scooping the child up before a car strikes him, but an adolescent who breaks the law may need to go to jail to learn the consequences of stealing the neighbor’s car.  However, according to Cline and Fay, parents should step in when:

Our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime.

When our children know they are in a situation, they can’t handle by themselves. More important, perhaps, is that they know we also know they can’t handle it. So when we step in and help them out — saying in essence, “You are incapable of coping with this situation” — it is not a destructive message because everyone is aware of the child’s inability to handle the situation.[8]

Three ineffective parenting styles:

In contrast to effective parental guidance, Cline and Fay briefly address three ineffective parenting styles: The Helicopter Parent, The Laissez-Faire Parent, and the Drill Sergeant Parent.[9]  The Helicopter Parent desires to create the perfect world for their child devoid of sorrow, consequences, and rejection.  The Helicopter parent swoops “down like jet-powered AH-64 Apache attack helicopters on any person or agency they see as a threat to their child’s impeccable credentials. Armed with verbal smart bombs, they are quick to blast away at anyone who sets high standards for behavior, morality, or achievement.”[10]  The Laissez-Faire Parent, for often unknown reasons, allows the child to parent themselves with little or no guidance from the parent. As Cline and Fay point out, “some have bought into the theory that children are innately born with the ability to govern themselves.”[11] However, they contend that Laissez-Faire parents are not really parenting, but refusing to accept parental responsibility.[12] Finally, the Drill Sergeant Parent controls the child through barking orders and demanding compliance.  Rarely does the Drill Sergeant allow the child to participate in decision making.  All three styles have detrimental effects on children, which carry over into adulthood, resulting in children who either feel entitled, have low self-esteem, have little trust or respect for authority and who do not know how to make good decisions.

Next: What does the Bible tell us about proper parental guidance?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Is God a Good Parent Part 4-Does God’s parental guidance follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

[1]Brian D. Johnson, Laurie D. Berdahl, Melissa Horne, Emily A. Richter, and Meag-gan Walters., “A Parenting Competency Model.” Parenting: Science & Practice 14, no. 2 (CINAHL Plus with Full Text, EBSCOhost: 2014), 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

[2] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 356-357.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid., Kindle Locations 364-366.

[5] Ibid., Kindle Locations 463-464.

[6]Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 159.

[7] Cline, Fay Kindle Locations 673-674.

[8] Ibid., Kindle Locations 856-860.

[9] Ibid., Kindle Location 314.

[10] Ibid., Kindle Locations 303-305.

[11] Ibid., Kindle Locations 338-339.

[12] Ibid., Kindle Locations 345-346.

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