Tag: the other woman

Believing the Lie

Between my Junior and Senior year of college, George, my childhood mentor, and father figure became my lover. I still had no idea how I understood how to react and how to please but being with him felt familiar and, in a distorted way, safe.

Over Thanksgiving break during my junior year of college, George, my childhood mentor, and father figure became my lover. I still had no idea how I understood how to react and how to please but being with him felt familiar and, in a distorted way, safe. However, I also felt extreme guilt because George was my best friend’s uncle and I sometimes babysat his children. George lived in Texas and I attended school in Iowa, so our encounters were infrequent. Between visits, I sought companionship with boys on campus and continued to reject anyone who refused my sexual advances.  As the year progressed, I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I was unable to focus on my classes, hated who I was and was obsessed with George. He made me feel important and beautiful. I believed he loved me. I realize now that he groomed me for our affair by paying special attention to me when I was a child. I describe more about my relationship with George in “Letters of Hope- Part One.”

While I still believed in God, I wondered whether He loved me. I questioned whether God could forgive me.

“Believing the Lie” reveals the inner torment that I experienced as I navigated the confusion, guilt and a distorted view of love that were exacerbated by my relationship with George. Nothing in my life made sense. Believing that I was an evil person who was condemned by God seemed the most likely answer to my downward spiral.

Tell me, Lord, how can the child be set free?

Why are you silent when I call your name?

Am I condemned for all eternity?

Am I doomed? Must I live a life of shame?

Oh Lord, I tried to stop what seemed so wrong.

I ran to one I thought would understand.

He told me that my actions made me strong.

Then we played the game in the desert sand.

Thoughts of him consume me with no relief.

He has a wife. This is so wrong. With him

I both live and die. How can I believe

His love for me is more than just a whim?

Lord, tell me how can you forgive my sin?

How can I change? Tell me how to begin.

Related Posts:

The Hidden Child

The Child Left Behind

The Forgotten Fire

Letters of Hope- Part One

Letter to the Betrayed Spouse

I addressed the first two letters in this series to my younger self at two specific times when my distorted thinking led to involvement with married men. In those letters, I spoke directly to the young woman who desperately sought comfort and solace in the arms of men who could not provide what she needed. (What I needed) The final letter speaks to the betrayed spouse.

I addressed the first two letters( Letters of Hope- Part One, Letter of Hope-Part II ) to my younger self at two specific times when my distorted thinking led to involvement with married men. In those letters, I spoke directly to the young woman who desperately sought comfort and solace in the arms of men who could not provide what she needed. (What I needed) The final letter speaks to the betrayed spouse.

The pain and emptiness I felt for most of my life often engulfed me like a raging fire that consumes everything in its path. The flames were fueled continuously by repeated betrayal, deception and by the anger within my very soul. Occasionally, God would send someone to douse the fire temporarily.  However, I often directed the anger inward. I hated who I became. From my perspective, God could not love me. After all, I repeatedly committed adultery and did not see how to end the cycle. I was a repeat offender. God never gave up on me. I am a living example of God’s unconditional love and grace. Perhaps a woman will read this letter and find solace in my words. I cannot imagine her pain. I can only describe what I believed during my encounters with married men.

Hello,

I am reasonably sure that I am the last person you expected to write you a letter. I am surprised that I found the courage to speak to you. I want to tell you what I believed about you and your marriage during the months I slept with your spouse. I want to tell you what I felt and what he said that made the relationship less disgusting to me, less disgusting because I always felt dirty and wrong when your spouse left my side to return to you. I lived in constant fear that you would find out who I was and would come after me. You were powerful. You may not feel powerful, but you are very powerful. You hold his heart in your hands. He came to me to live out a fantasy, but you were always present.

He always talked about you.

I believed his lies when he said you didn’t care about him. Sometimes he convinced me that you were cold and harsh, but then I saw the gentleness in his eyes when he thought about you. I pretended he could love me, but I didn’t want him to love me. I was angry and wanted to be in control. If I loved him or he loved me, I was no longer in control. I believed that sex and love were equal. So, when he said you didn’t like sex, I convinced myself that you didn’t love him. I was wrong.

I longed for someone to fill the void in my soul and thought perhaps your spouse could fill the bottomless pit that became my life. I wanted to believe that you were horrible because that made what I did not so wrong. I convinced myself that you would never find out so you would not be hurt. I was wrong. It doesn’t matter whether you knew, I was wrong.

I did not set out to betray anyone.

I did not think about anyone but me most of the time. I was in so much pain from what my father did to me that I thought the only way to show love was sex. Being with your spouse did not take away the pain. Instead, it confused me even more. I mistook his affection for genuine caring. However, when I let down my guard, he broke my heart. I trusted him to care for me. He did not. He loved you, and in the end, he went back to you. I do not know if he stayed with you or if he ever told you about me, but I know I never heard from him again.

I don’t think you did anything to cause your spouse to stray to my arms. He is responsible for his behavior, and if there were issues, it was his responsibility to address them with you. Running to another woman is not the answer, ever. We all have weaknesses, and we are all sexually dysfunctional in some way. I think it is the curse of our culture. No matter what preceded the affair, your spouse’s behavior was wrong. My willingness to participate was wrong.

It takes time to forgive, and you never forget.

Forgiveness is a hard thing. It takes time to forgive, and you never forget. I don’t know you, but I hope you can forgive your spouse and me for our betrayal. I hope you have someone you can talk to who will listen to your raw emotion so you can heal. I hope you have God and Christ in your life and understand His grace. Without God’s grace, I would not be here. I hope my words bring comfort. The words are hard to write but more difficult for you to read. Perhaps this letter will help you understand that I am not a monster that wanted to destroy you. Hopefully, you can see me as a person who behaved wrongly, believed lies and pretended all was well with the world when I was with your spouse.

Asking for forgiveness,

The other woman

Related Posts:

Letters of Hope- Part One

Letter of Hope-Part II

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Hello Beautiful

The second letter tells the story of a young woman who wanted to change, lost her way, and turned to married men to meet unmet needs. By using the voice of an older adult speaking to a younger person, I hope the words will bring peace, comfort, and reassurance to another young woman who experienced similar distortions and exhibited similar behavior as a result.

After a few weeks of struggling, I decided to write the second letter in this series to my 30-40-year-old self. The letter only addresses one aspect of my journey. As I navigated the path through the darkness of recovering from childhood sexual abuse toward peace and joy, I encountered many twists and turns. At each turn, I chose which way to walk. While the choices were mine, I often based my choices on negative experiences which distorted my view of myself, my circumstances and God. As I considered the second letter in my series, I wondered where to begin the next letter. While I wrote the first letter in this series to my young adult self, the second letter tells the story of a young woman who wanted to change, lost her way, and turned to married men to meet unmet needs. By using the voice of an older adult speaking to a younger person, I hope the words will bring peace, comfort, and reassurance to another young woman who experienced similar distortions and exhibited similar behavior as a result.

Hello, again beautiful,

A lot has happened since I wrote you last. You married someone who you thought would fill your empty heart. Instead, the hole grew larger as love proved no match for the anger your husband expressed. Eventually, you left him, but not before you had a beautiful daughter. While you were married, you never strayed to other men. In fact, the thought never crossed your mind. You believed that your husband’s anger and lack of desire was God’s punishment.  Yes, God saved your life, but at a cost that confused you. Why did God allow your apartment manager to rape you? Why did God lead you to an angry man who did not understand the struggle you faced? God must not love you at all. He must want to torment you. At least that is what you thought.

Life had shown you that love equaled pain.

After eleven years, you were strong enough to leave the marriage. You thought that you could do what you wanted without fear. Still, you didn’t want to be involved with anyone again. Life had shown you that love equaled pain. Love and sex were the same things, but sex was power, not affection. You vowed that you would be in control and never again would you give your heart away. You would be the one in charge. No one would hurt you or deceive you again.

You believed the lie that you were unlovable and only good for one thing- bringing pleasure to men. You were confused, hurt and sometimes you wondered if life was worth living. You got professional help, but your soul remained empty. You were angry, very angry and wanted to prove you were strong. You wanted to show that men were your pawns. You returned to your old ways, but now there was a new twist. You discovered the anonymity of internet chat. You felt in control, but, you were out of control. At the click of a button, you could end an encounter. You got great satisfaction in leaving someone in the middle of an intense chat. However, you were leading a double life. You hated yourself because you sometimes gave in and met the men in person.

Going out with married men was the norm for you because, in a distorted way, they were safe.

You could imagine that you were important to them. You could enjoy the company, but leave anytime you chose. You could pretend they were not married to assuage your guilt. You created a fantasy life when you were with them. However, when they left, you were once again alone. They went home to their family, but you were alone. The emptiness remained after each encounter. You desperately wanted to feel whole but did not know how to achieve that goal.

Enter King George II (AKA David)

Then you met David. David advertised on an adult dating site that he wanted a companion for motorcycle trips. You were hooked! Although you did not realize it at the time, David reminded you of George. After a few weeks of chatting an emailing, you met David. He was perfect! He was funny, mature, and treated you like a queen!  He was 20 years older than you, but you did not care. In fact, David’s age was part of the appeal. Over the next several months you lived a fantasy. You believed that David loved you. You believed that his wife must be horrible to deny him physical intimacy. Sometimes you pretended that he was not married. You believed the fantasy would never end. Then, just as suddenly as it began, the relationship ended. You were devastated! You let down your guard and once again, your heart was broken! Once again, you vowed no one would hurt you like that again. You vowed never to love anyone again.

The internal conflict between anger and loneliness led you to seek God for answers. You wanted something different. You wanted to behave differently, but you did not understand how that was possible. You prayed, read scripture, and begged God to help you change. Deep within your soul, you cried out, “Why do you hate me, God?”  You answered the question, “You hate me because Daddy was right, I am damaged goods that no one will ever love.”

God had other ideas though, beautiful one.

He gently guided you, showed you how to capture your thoughts, and helped you understand that Daddy’s definition of love was wrong. Slowly, you practiced taking your thoughts captive. You were not always good at doing so, but you tried. God helped you realize that you could only get better through practicing a new way of thinking. The first step was accepting that your worth was not defined by what Daddy did to you nor by what he told you. Your worth came from God before you were born. You struggled with this first step. In your mind, you knew God loved you, after all, He saved you from death more than once. However, believing you were loved was difficult for your heart to accept.

Beautiful one, I still occasionally struggle with how God could love me. The struggle is less intense, but writing to you reminds me that our mind is a powerful thing. You worked very hard to understand and believe that you are “Fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139) I am the woman I am because of your courage. For that, I am eternally grateful. The tools that you allowed God to show you not only saved your life but have helped countless others understand and believe that they too are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I no longer believe that sex and love are the same. I no longer feel compelled to fill the void with physical pleasure.

The journey continues beautiful one; I try to capture my thoughts daily. I try to recognize the lies in my mind before they become my truth. When a new trigger occurs, I try to remember to understand the source of the trigger and replace a negative thought with truth from scripture.

Beautiful one, this letter is not the end of the story. In fact, the letter is not even most of the story. I hope you understand that you acted how you were taught by those who should have loved and protected you. I know the truth, and hopefully, you also see the truth. God loves you.

Related Posts:

Letters of Hope- Part One

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

A Different Kind of Love

The most challenging experiences for me as I share my story are the times that I was “the other woman.”  Each time, I was seeking something that alluded me.  The letters that follow will hopefully speak to the young woman who finds herself in a similar position. Each letter in the 3 part series is written for a unique audience.  The first letter speaks to the young girl who was lost and confused and did not understand her environment. 

A Letter to my Younger Self

The most challenging experiences for me as I share my story are the times that I was “the other woman.”  Each time, I was seeking something that alluded me.  The letters that follow will hopefully speak to the young woman who finds herself in a similar position. Each letter in the 3 part series is written for a unique audience.  The first letter speaks to the young girl who was lost and confused and did not understand her environment.

Dear Beautiful One,

Yes, you are beautiful. You may not recognize your beauty, but it is there. I remember you very well, but now that I am all grown up, I think I need to let you know what I remember about you. Your life was hard and cruel. When you should have been playing with dolls, you were Daddy’s plaything. When you should have been full of laughter and joy, you cried in pain.

You were taught that you were only good at one thing and that was giving pleasure to Daddy and his friends. The friends laughed at you when you cried and called you weak and ugly when you screamed in pain. You learned to pretend that it didn’t hurt. You learned to expect them to come and secretly plotted that someday you would make them pay. Daddy told you that your worth was only in doing what he wanted you to do. He convinced you that no one would love you because he marked you as his. You believed him.

Then You Met George

Finally, one man, George, treated you like you mattered. He laughed with you, not at you. He taught you how to drive and helped you when you needed help. He smiled at you and told you were smart. He made you feel likable. You wondered why he didn’t want to have sex with you. He was 25 years older than you, so it did not make sense to you. Still, you felt safe with him.

Then one day when you were no longer a child, he told you how much he wanted you. He gave you books to read that made what he wanted sound right. He said his wife didn’t want to be with him and all he could think about was you. You felt something for him, but you didn’t understand what it was.

The interaction was a catalyst for you that led to disaster. You became desperate to be with George and sacrificed friendships to make it happen. You rejected a young man who truly cared for you because he was unwilling to have sex. It felt like a dam was broken in your soul that only sex could fix. You knew your behavior was wrong, but you couldn’t stop. Guilt and shame were your daily companions, but you couldn’t live without George. So the affair continued.

You Learned You were Not the Only One

George was kind, but he manipulated you. You learned that you were not the only one he”loved” the way he loved you. You learned that his world did not revolve around you. You were devastated, but you found ways to fill the void in your heart. It was surprisingly easy to find men who would be with you. I don’t remember how you found most of them. I do remember feeling horrible after each encounter. In your mind, no one could ease your pain the way George did.

Finally, you made the decision to end the relationship with George. You couldn’t live with the guilt and shame any longer. After you ended the relationship, you got down on your knees and made a promise to God. You promised Him that your days of promiscuity were over. You begged God for forgiveness. The problem was you couldn’t forgive yourself.

A Way Out

The next day the apartment manager approached you about your overdue rent. He said he could work something out and would come by later. When he arrived, you let him in, and he told you his plan. He wanted to have sex with you for the rent. You said “no,” trying to keep your promise, but he didn’t take no for an answer. He raped you, then left without a word. In your mind, the rape felt like God saying, “I don’t care about you, and I can’t forgive you.”

You cried and yelled at God for most of the night. You felt abandoned and hopeless. At the moment, you decided to take your life. You were alone in a city of strangers.  No one would care or even miss you. You bought two bottles of sleeping pills, called in sick to work, and sat on the edge of your bed with tears streaming down your cheeks. Just as you reached for the bottle of pills, the phone rang. You almost didn’t answer it, but something inside you told you to pick up the phone. Stifling the tears, you whispered, “hello.”

The next words saved your life. Your pastor was in town. He and his wife stopped in town on the way to see their son. They stopped at a hotel on the north side of the city. He said, “I was ready to call it a day, but I felt I needed to call you. We’ve been praying for you. Can we come by and pray with you and serve you communion?” You could barely speak through your tears, but you said yes.

A New Start, Maybe…

You see, beautiful one, God, did care, He sent someone to tell you that He had not forgotten you. Yes, I know you still doubted that, but you lived. You didn’t change entirely and continued to struggle with understanding what love meant.

You left George’s city to work in Iowa. You wanted someone to like you for you and not for your body, but you didn’t know how to do that. You knew how to please men. You took risks that could have killed you, but nothing filled the empty space in your soul.

You thought what you felt for George was love, but love doesn’t require performance. You didn’t know that. You didn’t understand how to be loved. You made choices based on what your perception of love. Unfortunately, you often made unhealthy choices.
What I want you to hear, Charlotte is you always knew that something was not right. You knew there had to be something different. You never forgot that God was there. He honored that. He didn’t take your pain away, but he intervened so you could live.

There’s another letter to write, but it is for an older Charlotte. So for now, I want to thank you for not giving up and for believing that there was hope for your future. Most of all, I want you to know you are beautiful and I want you to forgive yourself.

Love you,
Your older self

Related Posts

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

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