Over Thanksgiving break during my junior year of college, George, my childhood mentor, and father figure became my lover. I still had no idea how I understood how to react and how to please but being with him felt familiar and, in a distorted way, safe. However, I also felt extreme guilt because George was my best friend’s uncle and I sometimes babysat his children. George lived in Texas and I attended school in Iowa, so our encounters were infrequent. Between visits, I sought companionship with boys on campus and continued to reject anyone who refused my sexual advances. As the year progressed, I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I was unable to focus on my classes, hated who I was and was obsessed with George. He made me feel important and beautiful. I believed he loved me. I realize now that he groomed me for our affair by paying special attention to me when I was a child. I describe more about my relationship with George in “Letters of Hope- Part One.”
While I still believed in God, I wondered whether He loved me. I questioned whether God could forgive me.
“Believing the Lie” reveals the inner torment that I experienced as I navigated the confusion, guilt and a distorted view of love that were exacerbated by my relationship with George. Nothing in my life made sense. Believing that I was an evil person who was condemned by God seemed the most likely answer to my downward spiral.
Tell me, Lord, how can the child be set free?
Why are you silent when I call your name?
Am I condemned for all eternity?
Am I doomed? Must I live a life of shame?
Oh Lord, I tried to stop what seemed so wrong.
I ran to one I thought would understand.
He told me that my actions made me strong.
Then we played the game in the desert sand.
Thoughts of him consume me with no relief.
He has a wife. This is so wrong. With him
I both live and die. How can I believe
His love for me is more than just a whim?
Lord, tell me how can you forgive my sin?
How can I change? Tell me how to begin.