Covid-19 Hidden Impact for Trauma Survivors/ Tips to Cope

The Covid-19 virus has upended everyone over the past few weeks. While the new normal creates havoc for nearly everyone, I’ve realized a hidden impact for trauma survivors. With each new restriction comes less control over my life, which triggers old fears and sometimes anger.

The Covid-19 virus has upended everyone over the past few weeks. While the new normal creates havoc for nearly everyone, I’ve realized a hidden impact for trauma survivors. With each new restriction comes less control over my life, which triggers old fears and sometimes anger. At first, I dismissed these thoughts as silly considering the restrictions haven’t significantly changed my lifestyle. Yesterday I realized why anxiety and anger resurfaced. I feel the same loss of control I felt as a child when my family members abused me, but I also realized I am not a powerless little girl anymore. I am a strong, healthy woman who knows the truth about my identity.

I can choose how I respond to the triggers from the past.

Several years ago, my late husband, John, told me a story that illustrates one way to manage the emotional turmoil the current circumstances create. The town he grew up in has a city park with an old playground. The playground includes one of those old merry-go-rounds which consists of a circular platform with bars for standing. The riders push off the ground to increase the rotation speed of the merry-go-round. Sometimes one person stands beside the equipment to push it to maximum speed. Running on the platform will also increase the speed.

Keep Your Eyes on the Tree

One day, John and two friends (all of them in their 20s) decided to see how fast they could go and still stand up. So the contest began. Each attempt ended with falls, bumps, and bruises. They ran fast, but at some point looked down at their feet. When they did, they fell. After many attempts, John’s friend suggested they focus on the tree that stood next to the merry-go-round. When they kept their eyes on the tree, they did not fall. The speed increased far beyond what they thought possible. Then they looked down, and chaos ensued. Years later, while on a mission trip to Haiti and felt overwhelmed by the darkness that surrounded him. As he prayed for peace, the events at the park came to mind. He heard a whisper, “Just keep your eye on the tree.” He had the sense that the tree represented Jesus Christ, who hung on a tree for us.

As you struggle with old tapes in these uncertain times, remember to keep your eyes on the source of comfort. You are not a helpless child living in a chaotic and abusive world. You are a survivor. You are loved by the one who died for you. Keeping my eyes on Him when anxiety and fear threaten my peace, helps ground me in the present. For me that means turning off cable news, listening to music that soothes, reading scripture and stopping the thoughts that creep into my head before they take root. None of these things change what is going on in the world, but they change how I navigate them.

Changing How You Cope

As a survivor, you have learned ways to manage triggers, but some of those may not be available now. It’s hard to change our way of coping, but not impossible. Draw a picture, write a poem (even if you don’t think you can), stay connected via texting and phone calls. Find an online church service. Reach out and let someone know this is a hard time for you. Above all, be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because this triggers emotions you haven’t felt in years or months. Change your focus. Keep your eyes on the tree. When you look down and fall, get back up and try again.

We can support each other through this season: Share your coping strategies, your struggles and get support in the comments.

 

 

 

What Kind of Love is This?

When I originally posted this blog, I had no idea that one year later, I would be writing my memoir about my journey to accept God’s, unconditional love. My relationship with my daughter played a critical role in my understanding of unconditional love and how God views His creation.

Understanding and accepting God’s unconditional love is difficult for survivors of childhood trauma. When I originally posted this blog, I had no idea that one year later, I would be writing my memoir about my journey to accept God’s, unconditional love. My relationship with my daughter played a critical role in my understanding of unconditional love and how God views His creation. This post takes on new meaning as I write about my years as a single parent trying to express love my child amid my own turmoil.

You are Not Alone Tonight

With a sigh of relief, I whispered, “Thank you, for choosing to live.” I looked at the word document on my computer screen and felt a renewed sense of God’s presence. I sat in awe of God’s unconditional love for me.

With a sigh of relief, I whispered, “Thank you, for choosing to live.” I looked at the word document on my computer screen and felt a renewed sense of God’s presence. I sat in awe of God’s unconditional love for me. I had forgotten the significance of divine intervention in my life. I realized that after years of healing, studying and recounting the details of my journey, I was spiritually complacent. The complacency crept in while I moved on with my life.  I spent years sorting through memories and putting together the enormous puzzle of my life. I created a program that blended faith and reason to navigate the psychological and spiritual aspects of healing, but tonight I rediscovered God’s touch.

I felt the power of His presence in my life that I have not experienced in a long time.

Tonight, as I completed the chapter in my memoir about one of the darkest, yet most significant moments in my adult life, I decided to write a letter to the young woman who decided to live. At age 22, I believed that God hated me because I couldn’t stop acting out sexually. The chapter details the events of that night, but my experience after recounting them is the subject of this post. I think I finally understand my 22-year-old self and the significance of God’s intervention. I wanted to thank my younger self for the choice she made after God stepped in.

I still had a choice even after my pastor prayed over me.

Perhaps, you have faced despair and considered taking your life or you know someone who faces that choice. I share the letter I wrote to my younger self in this post to share the new insight I gained from traveling back to the night I chose life. God did not beat me over the head with a burning bush experience, instead, he sent a messenger in the form of my pastor. My pastor did not know I was on the verge of suicide and I never told him. His purpose that night was to give me hope. I think sometimes a simple message of “I am here. You are not alone, tonight,” might be the key to saving a life.

I am thankful that my pastor listened to the prompting to call me that night.

The letter below reflects what I want to tell my 22-year-old self as I close another painful chapter in my life with renewed hope and faith in the power of divine intervention.

You are Not Alone Tonight, Charlie

 

Hello Beautiful,

You are beautiful, Charlie. You are more beautiful than you realize. Tonight, I agonized with you and felt the despair and hopelessness of a young woman who desperately searched for love. I cried with you as you pleaded with God to set you free. My heart broke tonight when you lost all hope and wanted to end your life. You don’t understand yet why God intervened tonight, but you will. You don’t know for sure that the love you feel from God right now will last, but you will. You wonder if you will ever be free from the torment of the emptiness in your soul, but you will.

You felt beautiful tonight for the first time in a long time. You felt God’s touch, and you remembered it from when you were a little girl. Although you don’t remember the details of the times Jesus held you in His arms, tonight you remembered how safe you felt. Those feelings are real memories. One day you will know all the times Jesus kept you from losing your soul. You are not evil. You are beautiful.

Tonight, I want you to rest and know that all is not lost. Tomorrow is a new day, Charlie. Sleep well and know that you are not alone tonight.

Love,

The Charlotte that you will become because you chose to live tonight.

 

Letter to a Beautiful Girl

Writing a memoir is not easy. Over the past several weeks I have learned a great deal about the little girl who endured so much at the hand of those who should have loved and cared for her. The chapters of the memoir are told through the eyes of a child, but as the adult on the other side of the trauma, I feel compelled to write short reflections to that little girl to encourage and uplift her.

Writing a memoir is not easy. Over the past several weeks I have learned a great deal about the little girl who endured so much at the hand of those who should have loved and cared for her. The chapters of the memoir are told through the eyes of a child, but as the adult on the other side of the trauma, I feel compelled to write short reflections to that little girl to encourage and uplift her. I also insert letters into the memoir at significant points in the narrative with the hope that they offer the reader a breath of fresh air as they read my story. The letter below is one of the Reflections from the memoir. I reference my father and my Uncle Ray in the letter because they were the primary perpetrators of abuse in the chapters preceding the letter. 

Oh, beautiful girl,

My heart aches when I hear your cries. I long to remove all your fear and doubt, but that must wait for just the right moment. You ask so many questions that no one answers, so you use the brilliant mind that God gave you to answer them. Sometimes your conclusions are right, but sometimes they are distorted by your experience.

You view the world through dark and shattered lenses that create a broken image of the world, God and yourself. I’ve learned much from you these past few weeks as I’ve walked beside you through the darkness. You’ve reminded me that you always wanted to know the truth and fought hard to find it. I know that you doubt God’s love for you and wonder how to find the peace and comfort you learned about in Sunday school. You will find the answer, beautiful girl, I promise you.

Do not lose your faith, little one, God loves you and never leaves your side. When He sends an angel, it doesn’t mean He loves you less. Angels protect and comfort us in a unique way. Sometimes God sends an angel; but God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are always with you.

The days ahead will be difficult, beautiful girl, but trust that God will get you through them. He will guide you along a path to freedom. You will not always live in pain and fear. You will help others, who walk a similar path, to understand how to overcome their pain.

Beautiful girl, please remember this—God loves you no matter what Daddy or Uncle Ray tell you. You are beautiful no matter what happens to you.

All my love, adult Charlotte

The Problem of Evil-Revisited

This short essay was originally posted in December 2018. Since then, I began writing my memoir. Last week I wrote a chapter about the experience in the epigram. Doing so reminded me of this piece. As I write my memoir I am even more convinced that God can turn what seems to be senseless evil into a powerful testimony of redemption and hope. 

Note: This short essay was originally posted in December 2018. Since then, I began writing my memoir. Last week I wrote a chapter about the experience in the epigram. Doing so reminded me of this piece. As I write my memoir I am even more convinced that God can turn what seems to be senseless evil into a powerful testimony of redemption and hope. 

A 9-year old girl lay sobbing on soiled sheets trying desperately to escape her fate. “You failed again; you are worthless! Get back down there! Maybe you’ll get it right after a few days in the cellar!” Uncle Ray shouted as the child covered her face to avoid his fist. She begged him to give her another chance. Slowly, she navigated the steps as the door to cellar slammed shut above her. “Next time I’ll do it right,” she promised, “next time I will pretend I like the game.”

I am the child

The child in the story is not a random child whose story is chronicled to illustrate the problem of evil by pointing out that a good God would not allow pointless evil towards children. The above story is about me. I am the child in the story who endured abuse perpetrated by multiple people from age 5-18. When I watched a video of Christopher Hitchens, a 20th-century atheist, describe a child who experienced horrible neglect and abuse for most of her life, l recalled my own experience. Similarly, when Hitchens commented that the child “must have pleaded, must have prayed. She must have felt if heaven did watch it, it watched with indifference,”[1]  I recalled how I did plead. I did pray. While the prayers did not stop the abuse at the hands of my father, uncle, or others, I never felt that heaven watched with indifference.[2] My belief in Christ sustained me. In the same video, Jerry Walls, a Christian apologist and scholar, responds to Hitchens challenge by saying, “God is furious…Yes, God hated that, but God gave us freedom, and we can do atrocious things with that freedom, but I’m not writing you off…God has the power to redeem the worst atrocities that have been laid out.”[3] Not all philosophers and theologians agree with Walls response, but as Evans and Manis argue in The Philosophy of Religion: Thinking about Faith, “Of all the objections to theism presented by atheists, the most celebrated and oft-rehearsed…is the problem of evil.”[4] For centuries, philosophers and theologians have attempted to formulate and respond to the problem of evil. Several formulations remain common topics of discussion and debate including, the logical form, the evidential form, and the emotional form. While the logical form and the evidential form address the problem of evil from a logical perspective, the emotional problem of evil resonates most strongly with me because the form addresses the problem as a question for concern which creates a stronger foundation for discussion with believers and non-believers regarding the problem of evil.

Does Pointless Evil exist?

The emotional problem of evil approaches the problem as a question for concern by focusing on the struggle to reconcile what we believe and understand about God with the anguish we experience when we encounter the evidence of pointless evil. The emotional formulation is perhaps best articulated in ‘Rebellion,’ a chapter from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov. In the chapter, Ivan Karamazov protests that though he comprehends theodicy, and accepts that God is real, he cannot accept God because of the burden of his heart for human suffering and pain.[5] Ivan supports his objection by describing multiple atrocities involving children. Ivan argues, “I took the case of children only to make my case clearer…If all must suffer to pay for the eternal harmony, what have children to do with it…It is beyond comprehension why they should suffer, and why they would pay for the harmony.”[6] In The Doors of the Sea, David Hart explains that Ivan believed, “every heart will be satisfied, all anger soothed, the debt of every crime discharged, and everyone made capable of forgiving every offense and even finding a justification for every offense that has ever happened to mankind; and still he rejects the world that God has made and that final harmony with it.”[7]

Of Evil

At the core of the emotional problem of evil is Ivan’s concern that “terms of  the final happiness God intends for his creations are greater than [Ivan’s] conscience can bear.”[8] When I cowered alone in the cellar or a locked room with no window, wondering when my tormentor would return, I wondered “why is this happening?” I pleaded to God, “Is there a reason you do not stop them?” I cried until I could cry no more. I saw no purpose to my suffering, yet I consistently held to my belief in God and Christ. Years later as a social worker, I anguished at the atrocities  I witnessed daily. I watched a mother sit emotionless as her infant drew his last breath because she forgot to feed him or the two-year-old child covered in third-degree burns because his stepfather forced him to hold hot pipes as part of toilet training or a twelve-year-old girl whose father molested her daily.  As an adult caught up in behaviors that resulted from years of abuse, I often asked God, “why didn’t you stop the abuse?” For years I struggled to reconcile what I considered pointless evil. Pointless evil haunts many believers and non-believers as they express the question posed by Evans and Manis, “How could a perfectly loving God employ a means of creation that proceeds by way of the systematic destruction of the weakest and most vulnerable creatures?”[9]  The emotional problem of evil questions salvation, and expresses anger at the pointless evil, but does not attempt to disprove God.

While both the logical and evidential problem of evil address the issue from a logical standpoint, they are not existentially sufficient for me.*

The emotional problem of evil resonates most strongly with me because the form addresses the problem as a question for concern rather than an objection to belief in the existence of God. David Hart’s account of Ivan’s lament about the tortured child “weeping her supplications to ‘gentle Jesus,’ begging God to release her from misery,” evokes intense emotions for me because I uttered that prayer so many times during my childhood. However, each time, God sent comfort to me, sometimes in the form of an angel, sometimes through the loving touch of a friend. Where the emotional problem of evil fails is in the assumption that atrocities against the innocent are pointless evil. My life is one example of how seemingly pointless evil can lead to a life of service to others who suffer at the hands of tormentors. Perhaps the most significant example in my life occurred when I was eleven. After giving birth to my father’s child, I hemorrhaged on the bedroom floor. I found out later that EMS declared me dead, but later revived. During the moments I was legally dead, I experienced what I believe was the outer court of heaven. Jesus told me that I had to return because I had more to do. I remember begging Jesus to let me stay with him, but he refused.

I did not fully understand why I had to come back, and I was angry, but I obeyed. Years later as I began my healing journey, I realized what Jesus meant when he said I had more to do. As David Hart points out, “for the Christian, Ivan’s argument…provides a kind of spiritual hygiene; …a solvent as well of the obdurate fatalism of the theistic determinist, and of the confidence of rational theodicy, and…of the habitual and unthinking retreat of most Christians to a kind of indeterminate deism.”[19] He concludes that the argument is, therefore, a Christian argument. Through ‘Rebellion,’ Dostoyevsky sees how far more terrible the world would be if the history of suffering and death made sense.[20] ‘Rebellion’ calls Christians to review their approach to the problem of evil and consider whether we need some emotional and spiritual hygiene before addressing the issue with non-believers or hurting believers.

God Can Turn Tragedy into Triumph

While the question of why evil occurs remains unanswered, the emotional problem of evil provides an opportunity for apologists to explore the issue without challenging God’s existence. The emotional problem of evil fails to prove why or if there is pointless evil, but it does provide more comfort than logical explanations. Though it took years, I finally understood and accepted that God did not ignore my pleas for rescue, but he followed the rules of providential guidance. He could not interfere with the free will of those who abused me. However, he did protect me from death and eventually turned what seemed like pointless evil into a powerful testimony of redemption.  The emotional problem of evil can be a useful tool for the apologist if we accept that it is perfectly acceptable not to know all the answers. In other words, accepting God’s providential governance. Perhaps then we can understand Jerry Walls declaration, “Thank God for the problem of evil!”[21]

 * Recommend -Philosophy of Religion: Thinking about Faith by Evans and Manis (listed in footnotes) to learn more about the Logical and evidential form of the problem of evil.

[1]Jerry Walls – Problem of Evil – 2013, https://vimeo.com/112109182 , 2:23.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid, 10:12.

[4] C. Stephen. Evans and R. Zachary. Manis, Philosophy of Religion: Thinking about Faith (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2009), 156.

[5] Mary Jo Sharp, email response to Charlotte Thomason, December 10, 2018.

[6] Michael Peterson, ed. The Problem of Evil: Selected Readings (South Bend, IN: Notre Dame UP, 1992), 65.

[7] David Bentley Hart, The Doors of the Sea: Where Was God in the Tsunami?(Grand Rapids, MI: William B.  Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2011), 38-39.

[8] Ibid, 39.

[9] C. Stephen. Evans and R. Zachary. Manis, Philosophy of Religion: Thinking about Faith (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2009), 156.

[10] Ibid.

[11] Ibid, 160.

[12] Mary Jo Sharp, “Post to Weekly Course Outline, Week 7,” Houston Baptist University, Fall, 2018, PDF, Philosophy of Religion Course, accessed December 10, 2018.

[13] Evans et al, 168.

[14] Evans et al, 168.

[15] Ibid, 169.

[16] Ibid.

[17] Ibid.

[18] Ibid.

[19] Hart, 44.

[20] Ibid.

[21] Walls

Related Posts

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

The View from the Foot of the Bed

Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved

Angel in the Cellar

Changing your Inner Voice

When I recognize the inner voice that tells me to sabotage a relationship, or warns me to run away from a friendship, I stop the thought and replace it with scripture. Part of the process is identifying when I felt the same emotions or physical sensations

Long Term Effects of Abuse and Neglect

I recently posted the link to an article by Roland Bal on my Facebook page. In the article, “Child Neglect and Its Long-Term Repercussions into Adulthood”, Bal explains,

 “In childhood, your brain and nervous system are busy laying down neural pathways. You are dependent on your environment for a stimulus to promote that growth of the neural pathways in your brain and nervous system.”[1]

Even though Bal’s background is mostly grounded in psychology and eastern religions, he presents a good overview of how important early experiences are to our emotional and social development. Bal explains that in cases of severe neglect there is no reference point for the individual which results in stunted emotional and social growth. The deficit often leads to seeking recognition outside of ourselves. The result is an adult who has no sense of self in the case of neglect and a distorted sense of self in the case of abuse.

In the article, Bal makes the statement that his “description makes child neglect and its repercussions into adulthood look very bleak.”[2] He then offers a few suggestions to help an individual rewire their brain.

The God Factor

While his suggestions are one method for finding a reference point and breaking old patterns of coping, there is another component that I found essential in my healing process-recognizing God’s constant presence in my life. I benefited greatly from psychological techniques like the ones Bal describes, but I always felt like something was missing as applied the meditation, positive affirmations and other tools that I learned.

A significant turning point for me in my healing process was embracing the truths found in the Bible about my identity. Yes, I constantly sought acknowledgment outside of myself and feared rejection because of the abuse and neglect I endured as a child. Bal’s description, “From there on it can become gridlocked into a habitual pattern of continually trying to please others while being met by further rejection or even abuse,”[3] describes the way I approached life for many years.

 

Sometimes, I still fall into the pattern which hinders my ability to form healthy relationships.

When I recognize the inner voice that tells me to sabotage a relationship, or warns me to run away from a friendship, I stop the thought and replace it with scripture. Part of the process is identifying when I felt the same emotions or physical sensations. Once I identify an experience, I change the conversation to something like I am not that frightened little girl anymore, I am a child of God and the evil one cannot touch me. Or, God did not create me with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, anxiety or depression, so I do not have to react the way I used to react.fearfully and wonderfully made

The simple process takes me out of the moment, but not as a dissociative episode.  By remembering and announcing my identity in Christ, I ground my mind on the truth and dismiss the lies that my experience taught me. The change happens within me and centers me long enough to breathe, pause and react to the circumstance as a healthy adult rather than a frightened child.

The symptoms of mental illness are devastating and are not easy to manage, but I find that when I include scripture, prayer and speak the truth when I experience an intense situation, it brings calm to the chaos in my mind. I like to think of the process as integrating faith, imagination, and reason to bring about a more complete healing for the mind, body, and spirit. The process is life-long, but not hopeless. Rewiring my brain continues, but I don’t think it gets short-circuited as often or intensely as it did years ago.

I Am Not the Same

As I write my memoir, I realize there are nuances of my childhood experiences that were untouched during the initial years of healing. As I explore those nuances, I understand more about my reactions and emotions as an adult. However, I also see how far I have come. I ask for help and for prayer from others before I am in crisis. I take breaks and practice self-care. I allow myself to grieve when I realize some new detail. I don’t dissociate or lose my grip on reality like I did years ago.

I think I can say with confidence that there is hope and that Bal’s statement that “child neglect and its repercussions into adulthood look very bleak,”[4] is not true for everyone. I agree with Bal’s contention that “for many this is their reality.”[5] However, with a combination of psychological tools like those Bal lists and Biblically based tools, adults can find contentment, form healthy relationships and not be trapped by the faulty belief that their situation is hopeless.

Related Posts:

The 4R’s of Taking Your Thoughts Captive

Stop the Spiral

 

[1] Roland Ball, Child Neglect Long Term Effects

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

How to Cope when Life Throws you a Curve

Sometimes life throws you a curve that seems insurmountable. You are moving along with life.  All is well.  Then suddenly, without warning a loved one dies, you get a negative report from your doctor, or you lose your job.  Suddenly, your world is turned upside down.  You feel alone. You frantically search for someone to comfort you, but friends and family are not available.  In these times, remember God provides the greatest comfort through the Holy Spirit.

Revisiting an Old Story

When I wrote this blog five years ago, my heart still ached from the loss of my husband. I longed for just a few moments with John to share daily events and accomplishments. I longed to hear his voice one more time. As I considered what to post today, I realized that recent events triggered similar feelings of sorrow. However, the triggering events were not losses, they were achievements that I wanted to share with John. I wanted to tell him about starting to write my memoir and graduating from HBU with a Master of Arts in Apologetics. I wanted to bounce ideas off him as I wrote the chapters of my memoir, but he is not here. I miss him. Reading this blog renewed me and reoriented my heart toward the ultimate comforter.

How to Cope when Life throws you a curve

Sometimes life throws you a curve that seems insurmountable. You are moving along with life.  All is well.  Then suddenly, without warning a loved one dies, you get a negative report from your doctor, or you lose your job.  Suddenly, your world is turned upside down.  You feel alone. You frantically search for someone to comfort you, but friends and family are not available.  In these times, remember God provides the greatest comfort through the Holy Spirit.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Several months after my husband, John’s death, I was feeling well most of the time.  The intense emotions surrounding the day of the month that he died were a faint memory. However, at the 20-month mark, I felt a level of intensity that reminded me of the days immediately following his death. There seemed to be no relief.

Friends and family were unavailable due to their own circumstances. They reached out to me via text messages, phone calls, and prayer, which helped for a moment.  A simple text from my grandson, Isaac “Miss U,” brought a smile.  A word from my daughter, “I love you,” calmed me for an instant.  My sister-in-law asking, “How’s your day going?” eased the sorrow.  But none of these things lasted.   I felt disconnected from God.  Somehow, I believed I should be “over” this and be able to move on.  I told myself, “get a grip.”  I was not prepared for the emotional intensity that consumed me. I longed for comfort.  Then I remembered a scripture that I memorized as a child.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Ps. 23

 When life throws you a curve, God can use it to bring you closer to Him.

While I do not feel God necessarily removed my support system, I know He used the circumstance to force me to turn to Him.   One morning I decided to listen to music while I drank my morning coffee.  My thought was to connect with God and hopefully find relief from the sorrow in my soul.  The first song was a man singing,” God gave me you…” to his wife.  Surprisingly, after the initial, “you’ve got to be kidding me.” I smiled.  I felt God whisper, “It’s going to be okay, Charlotte.  I am still here with you.”  In that 30 second connection, I realized that although my friends and family could not comfort me, God was ever present to “refresh my soul… lead me beside still waters and comfort me.”  This truth got me through that day.

God’s Presence overcomes any circumstance

No matter what life throws at you, God’s presence can bring comfort.  Whether the curve is a death or some other significant loss, He is always the ultimate source of comfort.  We all have people in our lives who are good at comforting those who are in pain, but there will be times when these “comforters” will not be able to connect with you.   In any circumstance, God, through the Holy Spirit, can bring a peace that passes all understanding. If only for a moment.  Sometimes that is all you need. Peace at the moment.  In times of most profound sorrow, His presence will refresh your soul as he leads you beside still waters to comfort you.

When has God been your comforter when life throws you a curve?

 

Can You Hear Me, Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Several years ago, the phrase “Can you hear me now?” became a popular slogan for a major cell phone company. Paul, the spokesperson, was shown walking around with his cell phone to his ear, asking the question, “can you hear me now?” He said the phrase repeatedly in the 30-60 second commercials to get across the idea that Verizon had the most reliable service. As you may know, Paul currently appears in a commercial for Sprint, one of Verizon’s biggest competitors. He found a new venue for his message. He is the same person and he still sells cell phones, but the message is slightly different. He doesn’t claim that Sprint has the best coverage, but that it is within 2% of the best. The most recent commercials include robots who confirm Paul’s claims. Paul’s basic message is the same, but his delivery changed to accommodate a new audience and new technology. Similarly, when I started this blog ten months ago, I mentally asked the question, “Will they hear me?” I knew my writing would include multiple forms including poetry, essays, blogs, journals, and letters. Now, thirty-plus posts later, I realize that like, Paul, the cell phone spokesperson, parts of my story can be shared in ways I never imagined. Asking the question, “Can you hear me now?” means allowing my voice to be heard in unexpected places. It means taking risks by posting in groups on social media and being prepared for the challenges that follow each post.

An Unexpected Voice

My blog followers are as varied as the style and content of the posts. They include psychologists, apologists, survivors, those struggling with mental illness, family and friends.  Each post reaches a different audience and results in a unique response. My recent post, The Problem of Evil was shared with a largely academic audience via social media. One response surprised me but also illustrates how a story brings unexpected outreach. My classmate, Richard Eng, asked if he could use the vignette at the beginning of The Problem of Evil in a sermon.  His sermon tackles the Problem of Evil through the story of Joseph. Richard ends his sermon by explaining that Christ doesn’t always rescue us from the pain or the evil, but rather is there to get us through the trial or temptation. He told my story to illustrate that even amid a horrible situation, my faith in Christ sustained me. After watching the video, I understand even more clearly that my story can be heard in ways and in places I never expected. For years, I wondered if anyone would hear me. Richard demonstrates yet another way I can say, “They hear me, now.”

To most survivors being heard is a vital piece of healing from childhood trauma. If you are a survivor, please do not be afraid to write, sing, draw, or shout your story of healing. Now is the time for you to know that “yes, they can hear you now.”

To watch Richard’s sermon, click here.

Related Posts:

The Problem of Evil

Angel in the Cellar

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

It is Well with My Soul

Although my tormentors inflicted unspeakable acts of violence, sexual and emotional abuse upon me as a child, they could not destroy my soul. Each time that I cried out to Jesus, I felt His presence. Sometimes I did not completely understand that it was Him, but I felt Him. I “knew” He was there.

Over the past few weeks, I have struggled to find a way to convey the power and peace that God’s presence provided throughout my life. Understandably, many survivors of child sexual abuse feel abandoned by and angry at God for not intervening. My last two posts reminded me that even in the darkest moments, I was not alone. Sometimes I did not realize that God was watching and caring for me because His protection came in the form of allowing me to dissociate and run to Christ or an angel when the abuse became unbearable. Sometimes I experienced courage and calmness that allowed me to resist the demands of my tormentors. As I look back, I recall feeling angry, depressed and on a few occasions suicidal as I navigated remembering and re-experiencing the trauma. Admittedly, I sometimes felt that God hated me because of my sinful behavior and wondered why he did not intervene. However, as I explain in The Problem of Evil, “Though it took years, I finally understood and accepted that God did not ignore my pleas for rescue, but he followed the rules of providential guidance. He could not interfere with the free will of those who abused me. However, he did protect me from death and eventually turned what seemed like pointless evil into a powerful testimony of redemption.” As I considered how to convey the emotional and spiritual connection that kept me sane and alive, I found this video on YouTube of one of my favorite hymns, “It is Well with My Soul.” As I watched the video and read the words, tears filled my eyes. The song perfectly conveys my message to those who struggle with the existence of seemingly pointless evil.

 Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say; It is well, it is well with my soul.

The song describes the importance of pausing to consider how we find peace even when we do not understand why events happen in our lives. “It is Well with My Soul” was written in 1873 by Horatio G. Spafford, a successful Chicago businessman. Mr. Spafford experienced a series of tragedies of the course of two years including the death of four children in a shipwreck. He penned the words to “It is Well with my Soul” while traveling by ship to meet his wife, Anna, who survived the tragedy.[1]

When darkness surrounded me, God was the light

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His blood for my soul.

Although my tormentors inflicted unspeakable acts of violence, sexual and emotional abuse upon me as a child, they could not destroy my soul. Each time that I cried out to Jesus, I felt His presence. Sometimes I did not completely understand that it was Him, but I felt Him. I “knew” He was there. Whether it was The Angel in the Cellar, Jesus holding me at the foot of the bed, my pastor unexpectedly showing up just as I was about to take my life or a vision of Jesus in a dark, lonely cell where I almost gave up, I knew God was the source of my strength. I knew Jesus died for my sins and that God loved me. Without the knowledge of God’s love, I doubt I would be alive today. My experience is perhaps best described by the definition of faith found in Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” The Matthew Henry Commentary explains that

“Faith and hope go together…It is a firm persuasion and expectation that God will perform all that he has promised to us in Christ; and this persuasion is so strong that it gives the soul a kind of possession and present fruition of those things, gives them subsistence in the soul… 2. It is the evidence of things not seen. Faith demonstrates to the eye of the mind the reality of those things that cannot be discerned by the eye of the body. Faith is the firm assent of the soul to the divine revelation and every part of it…and so it is designed to serve the believer instead of sight, and to be to the soul all that the senses are to the body.”[2]

Anna Spafford expressed similar thinking when she told another survivor, “God gave me four daughters. Now they have been taken from me. Someday I will understand why.”[3] The fourth verse of ‘It is Well with My Soul” contains the hope that

For me, be it, Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

As a child, I knew Christ was real because I saw Him on more than one occasion. I knew His promises were also real and true. I heard His whisper, and that whisper brought peace to my soul. As an adult, the knowledge(faith) sustained me during the worst parts of my healing journey. One of the lessons I teach to those I counsel recognizes God’s presence may not change your circumstance, but it will change you in the circumstance. I cannot explain all my internal experience because the experience is indescribable other than to say, “It is well, it is well with my soul.”

 

[1] https://www.staugustine.com/living/religion/2014-10-16/story-behind-song-it-well-my-soul

 

[2] https://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/matthew-henry-complete/hebrews/11.html

 

[3] https://www.staugustine.com/living/religion/2014-10-16/story-behind-song-it-well-my-soul

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Angel in the Cellar

The Problem of Evil

The View from the Foot of the Bed

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Angel in the Cellar

My last post, The Problem of Evil, began with a description of an event that I experienced at age 9. Since writing the essay, the introductory vignette has haunted me. As those who experience Post-traumatic stress reactions will understand, managing such occurrences are part of the healing process. However, I had not experienced such a flood of physical and emotional reactions to memory in years. So the experience was unsettling, to say the least. As I processed my emotions and physical reactions, I recalled another aspect of the experience that I briefly mentioned in the essay.  Throughout my life, I always felt God’s presence. Sometimes I did not understand it, but as I look back on my life, God always showed up. I have said that before, but the experience in the cellar was such an experience. Each night an angel came to the cellar and held me until I fell asleep in her arms. The constant presence of God, Christ and angels gave me glimmers of hope that kept me alive throughout my childhood.

What is a Cellar?

For you to fully understand the setting of the Sonnet that follows, I want to describe the cellar. Basically, a root cellar is a hole in the ground used to store fruits and vegetables. The temperature is a constant 57 degrees F. The room is small, damp and smells of rotting food. There are shelves for storing the fruit and vegetables, but the walls and floor is packed dirt.  In my case, there was no light except when my uncle came back to get me because the light hung from the ceiling and I could not reach the cord to turn it on.

The Game

The game I talk about in the essay and in the sonnet is the term my father and my uncle used to describe the sexual abuse. The rules of the game changed, but for most of my childhood the dominant rule was, I had to pretend to enjoy the abuse. I was a fighter from day one and rarely acquiesced to the rules. As the result, I endured days in the cellar or other absurd punishments for failing to play the game. I think my determination to fight and resist kept me alive, but it also led to substantial pain. The Sonnet describes “The Game” and my thoughts about my situation as well as the comfort of angels in the darkness.

 

Angel in the Cellar

As the door slams above the earthen cell,

Walls of dirt surround my shivering frame.

What must I do to escape from this hell?

To be free, must I always play “the game?”

“The game” that my Daddy says is my lot.

“The game” that now my uncle seeks to win.

“The game” my soul and body always fought.

“The game” that always ends when I give in.

But every time I cry and scream in pain.

I cannot pretend his touch brings me joy.

I cannot let him know that fear remains.

I cry out, “I am more than just your toy!”

The darkness fades and once again I see

An angel comes to hold and comfort me.

 

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Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

The Problem of Evil

The Child Left Behind

 

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