Winning the Battle

When I wrote this post, my journey of writing my memoir was still just a thought in the back of my mind. This website was the beginning of that journey. Now, nearly three years later, the message of this post rings true again. Over the past few days, multiple triggers have surfaced that remind me of the importance of putting on and maintaining the armor of God. I share the post today to remind others of the power in the armor.

When I wrote this post, my journey of writing my memoir was still just a thought in the back of my mind. This website was the beginning of that journey. Now, nearly three years later, the message of this post rings true again. Over the past few days, multiple triggers have surfaced that remind me of the importance of putting on and maintaining the armor of God. I share the post today to remind others of the power in the armor.

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years. A couple of weeks ago, my daughter, Korine, asked me a question about something I plan to share in the next few weeks. The question was innocent but answering it triggered a brief visceral response. The response startled me. While such responses were common in the early years of my healing from PTSD, I have not experienced a bodily response in years. The feeling of ice coursing down my esophagus to my stomach frightened me for a second, but the sensation disappeared almost as quickly as it began. Korine reminded me that I should probably get used to the reaction. “People will ask questions,” she warned, “So you need to be ready for triggers.” Her words reminded me how quickly unexpected triggers can derail my inner peace.

Triggers come in all shapes, smells, and sounds.

At the height of my dysfunction, triggers surrounded me 24/7. Some days it was difficult to breathe for fear a new trigger was just around the corner. I reacted instead of acting. I lived in constant fear that I would not survive the next triggered episode. For several years everything in my life seemed to trigger dissociative episodes where I regressed and became the little girl who was abused every day. Experiencing a trigger feels like something sharp pierces my soul and disrupts the core of my being, like a dart hitting a dartboard. Sometimes the darts catch me by surprise. When that happens it takes me a few minutes to regroup and get grounded. In the past, I rarely felt grounded. The sensation lasted days, sometimes weeks. I felt bombarded by fiery darts and had no way to stop them. I lived in constant fear that one of those darts would kill me. The experience far exceeded emotional reaction to the trigger. I felt under siege by spiritual forces that I could not see.  While identifying potential triggers is essential to healing, understanding the spiritual component of the battle is also essential.

We Have the Protection We Need to Stop the Fiery Darts

As I worked through the emotional and spiritual damage of childhood abuse, I realized that in Ephesians 6:10-18, Paul provides a plan for combating the triggers (fiery darts) that distracted me from God’s plan for me. Paul writes:

             10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. [1]

Daily Preparation

While I do not think every bad thing that happens to me is a spiritual attack, I do think that I am better prepared to face the day when I remember to put on the armor of God as outlined above. How do I do that? When I feel attacked by a trigger, I recall Paul’s counsel, “In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one.” I imagine holding a shield that is soaked with water so that the flames of the darts are extinguished before they reach my heart. When a trigger causes me to regress to the hurting and frightened child, I recall, “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” I say a scripture such as “I am a child of God and the evil one cannot touch me.” I imagine a sword slashing through the image of the frightened child. Triggers lose their power when I use the protection provided by the armor of God.

However, thinking about the armor in ancient military terms is not always beneficial. A few years ago I decided to try something new. I decided to make the armor relevant to my daily routine. As I thought about my morning routine I selected an activity that matched each piece of armor. For example, brushing my hair represents putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I do not do this every day, but I notice the difference when I do.  The armor represents the protection that God provides to all believers, but we must take it up and put it on before it is effective. The armor is only part of the solution for stopping triggers or minimizing the impact of triggers that catch me off guard. However, I find that remembering the armor helps me when an unexpected darts are hurled at me. I no longer live in fear of triggers. Instead, I am prepared to stand firm because I have my shield ready to extinguish the darts that come my way.

Challenge:

At least one day this week, think about the armor when you get ready for your day and proactively associate the armor with your routine. How do think putting on the armor might help you combat triggers?

[1] Ephesians 6:10-18, ESV

Related Posts:

Stop the Spiral

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

At Last I Stand Approved

Writing the sonnets helped me put a lifetime into a few lines of poetry and laid the foundation for writing my memoir. As I near the end of the first revision of my draft and prepare to send copies to beta readers, I decided to repost the last sonnet of the sequence because it expresses the hope I want my readers to experience when they read my story.

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” illustrates my acceptance of my true worth.

Introduction

My first posts to this site included a sonnet sequence that I wrote as part of a graduate course at Houston Baptist University in 2017. As I considered what to post this week, I thought about my current project and the sonnet sequence came to my mind. The sequence chronicles my journey to understand love in a five sonnet sequence. Writing the sonnets helped me put a lifetime into a few lines of poetry and laid the foundation for writing my memoir. As I near the end of the first revision of my draft and prepare to send copies to beta readers, I decided to repost the last sonnet of the sequence because it expresses the hope I want my readers to experience when they read my story.

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” illustrates my acceptance of my true worth. In this sonnet, I look back at my marriage to John to show how the relationship with him helped me accept how God views me and finally rejects my father’s lies. Through the imagery in the first few lines, I describe my inner transformation and acceptance of a different meaning of love.  The last quatrain describes my current understanding of love. I begin with the disclosure that I am a widow, but the loss does not change the truth. Line ten answers the question asked at the end of Sonnet I.  The declarations found in the remaining two lines of the quatrain provide a transition from earthly love to Divine Love. The final couplet confirms that the language distortion no longer controls my thinking and I know the true meaning of love.

 

The truth revealed, now I know what love is.

At sixty-five, I can finally say

I knew the kind of love that could dismiss

Distorted views of love that led astray.

For eight short years, we shared one soul, one heart.

He made me laugh at times when life was tough.

He taught me how to love and draw apart

To understand that God’s love is enough.

I am a widow now, and still, I know

That Daddy’s words were lies and not the truth.

When I feel the tempter’s frightening blow

I stand my ground and say, “I know my worth!”

And, by His crimson blood, my stains removed.

Transformed, and white as snow I stand approved.

 

Related Posts:

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

Believing the Lie

Between my Junior and Senior year of college, George, my childhood mentor, and father figure became my lover. I still had no idea how I understood how to react and how to please but being with him felt familiar and, in a distorted way, safe.

Over Thanksgiving break during my junior year of college, George, my childhood mentor, and father figure became my lover. I still had no idea how I understood how to react and how to please but being with him felt familiar and, in a distorted way, safe. However, I also felt extreme guilt because George was my best friend’s uncle and I sometimes babysat his children. George lived in Texas and I attended school in Iowa, so our encounters were infrequent. Between visits, I sought companionship with boys on campus and continued to reject anyone who refused my sexual advances.  As the year progressed, I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I was unable to focus on my classes, hated who I was and was obsessed with George. He made me feel important and beautiful. I believed he loved me. I realize now that he groomed me for our affair by paying special attention to me when I was a child. I describe more about my relationship with George in “Letters of Hope- Part One.”

While I still believed in God, I wondered whether He loved me. I questioned whether God could forgive me.

“Believing the Lie” reveals the inner torment that I experienced as I navigated the confusion, guilt and a distorted view of love that were exacerbated by my relationship with George. Nothing in my life made sense. Believing that I was an evil person who was condemned by God seemed the most likely answer to my downward spiral.

Tell me, Lord, how can the child be set free?

Why are you silent when I call your name?

Am I condemned for all eternity?

Am I doomed? Must I live a life of shame?

Oh Lord, I tried to stop what seemed so wrong.

I ran to one I thought would understand.

He told me that my actions made me strong.

Then we played the game in the desert sand.

Thoughts of him consume me with no relief.

He has a wife. This is so wrong. With him

I both live and die. How can I believe

His love for me is more than just a whim?

Lord, tell me how can you forgive my sin?

How can I change? Tell me how to begin.

Related Posts:

The Hidden Child

The Child Left Behind

The Forgotten Fire

Letters of Hope- Part One

Winning the Battle

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years.

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years. A couple of weeks ago, my daughter, Korine, asked me a question about something I plan to share in the next few weeks. The question was innocent but answering it triggered a brief visceral response. The response startled me. While such responses were common in the early years of my healing from PTSD, I have not experienced a bodily response in years. The feeling of ice coursing down my esophagus to my stomach frightened me for a second, but the sensation disappeared almost as quickly as it began. Korine reminded me that I should probably get used to the reaction. “People will ask questions,” she warned, “So you need to be ready for triggers.” Her words reminded me how quickly unexpected triggers can derail my inner peace.

Triggers come in all shapes, smells, and sounds.

At the height of my dysfunction, triggers surrounded me 24/7. Some days it was difficult to breathe for fear a new trigger was just around the corner. I reacted instead of acting. I lived in constant fear that I would not survive the next triggered episode. For several years everything in my life seemed to trigger dissociative episodes where I regressed and became the little girl who was abused every day. Experiencing a trigger feels like something sharp pierces my soul and disrupts the core of my being, like a dart hitting a dartboard. Sometimes the darts catch me by surprise. When that happens it takes me a few minutes to regroup and get grounded. In the past, I rarely felt grounded. The sensation lasted days, sometimes weeks. I felt bombarded by fiery darts and had no way to stop them. I lived in constant fear that one of those darts would kill me. The experience far exceeded emotional reaction to the trigger. I felt under siege by spiritual forces that I could not see.  While identifying potential triggers is essential to healing, understanding the spiritual component of the battle is also essential.

We Have the Protection We Need to Stop the Fiery Darts

As I worked through the emotional and spiritual damage of childhood abuse, I realized that in Ephesians 6:10-18, Paul provides a plan for combating the triggers (fiery darts) that distracted me from God’s plan for me. Paul writes:

             10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. [1]

Daily Preparation

While I do not think every bad thing that happens to me is a spiritual attack, I do think that I am better prepared to face the day when I remember to put on the armor of God as outlined above. How do I do that? When I feel attacked by a trigger, I recall Paul’s counsel, “In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one.” I imagine holding a shield that is soaked with water so that the flames of the darts are extinguished before they reach my heart. When a trigger causes me to regress to the hurting and frightened child, I recall, “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” I say a scripture such as “I am a child of God and the evil one cannot touch me.” I imagine a sword slashing through the image of the frightened child. Triggers lose their power when I use the protection provided by the armor of God.

However, thinking about the armor in ancient military terms is not always beneficial. A few years ago I decided to try something new. I decided to make the armor relevant to my daily routine. As I thought about my morning routine I selected an activity that matched each piece of armor. For example, brushing my hair represents putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I do not do this every day, but I notice the difference when I do.  The armor represents the protection that God provides to all believers, but we must take it up and put it on before it is effective. The armor is only part of the solution for stopping triggers or minimizing the impact of triggers that catch me off guard. However, I find that remembering the armor helps me when an unexpected darts are hurled at me. I no longer live in fear of triggers. Instead, I am prepared to stand firm because I have my shield ready to extinguish the darts that come my way.

Challenge:

At least one day this week, think about the armor when you get ready for your day and proactively associate the armor with your routine. How do think putting on the armor might help you combat triggers?

[1] Ephesians 6:10-18, ESV

Related Posts:

Stop the Spiral

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

Stop the Spiral

In an earlier post, I mentioned the idea of capturing my thoughts. I want to delve into that a bit more. Part of my recovery from the trauma I experienced as a child included learning how to manage emotional spirals.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the idea of capturing my thoughts. I want to delve into that a bit more. Part of my recovery from the trauma I experienced as a child included learning how to manage emotional spirals. I am by nature an emotional person.  Some might describe me as too sensitive.  I prefer the term empathetic, but I must agree that I overreact at times to seemingly ordinary events of the day.  My emotions and thoughts become my worst enemy.  When I think I have offended someone, my thoughts can quickly shift from “I shouldn’t have said that” to “Why do you hate me?” Early in my healing journey, a therapist diagnosed the problem as Borderline Personality Disorder. While she told me I a “nice borderline” I felt helpless to change the way my mind worked. I felt trapped by the diagnosis, but I did not give up.

At age 34 thoughts of despair, fear and anger engulfed me.

As I struggled to heal from the effects of childhood abuse, my thoughts seemingly had a life of their own.  Although friends and family surrounded me, I believed that no one could love me. I panicked when my daughter wanted to spend time with her best friend instead of with me. I cycle dialed friends if I did not hear from them immediately. I snapped at my daughter unpredictably over small things. To me, everything I did or said would probably end badly.  In nearly every situation my main thoughts were “Why do you hate me?” or “When are you going to leave me?” My emotions overtook reason and controlled my thoughts and behavior. I made dangerous, impulsive decisions almost everyday. I realized my survival and healing depended on learning how to manage my spiraling emotions.

In The Abolition of Man, C.S. Lewis writes, “The head rules the belly through the chest-the seat…of Magnanimity, of emotions organized by trained habit into stable sentiments.”[1] The chest functions as the liaison between the intellect and sentiment. Lewis’ reference to the chest suggests that the “heart” of man is the element that that causes us to have internal conversations when faced with moral decisions.  Relying solely on intellect with disregard for emotion of any kind results in men without chests whose unbridled emotions lead to impulsive, animalistic behavior.[2]  By allowing my emotions and thoughts to spiral out of control, I prevented the liaison to do its job.

For me, the first step in developing a strong chest was understanding the truth about who I am. In 1988, I remember sitting on a small hill just outside of Lubbock, Texas praying for relief from the inner turmoil. As the sun shone down on me from the clear west Texas sky, I imagined Christ holding me as a young child. As I sobbed quietly in His arms, He wiped away my tears and gently whispered, “I am all you need.” I shook my head in disbelief. He took a small tattered bundle from my tightly clenched fist. The bundle held my hurt, sorrow and all that I was, when He opened the bundle, a pure white dove flew toward the sky, “This is how God sees you when He looks through my eyes. No matter what the world tells you, this is who you are.” God did not see me as Borderline but as a pure, clean child. That image gave me hope and reminded of the truth of who I am.  I am not my hurt. I am His, always and forever, I am His.  I realized on the hilltop that I do have a choice.  My thoughts do not control me. I can choose to take every thought captive and stop the spiral.

 

“Take every thought Captive” Corinthians 10:5

Paul encouraged the Corinthians to take every thought captive, not just the ones you want to, but every thought.  That means to stop, think, and chose to act based on whether your thought in line with the truth.  Christ does not define you by your failures, your flaws or by what you have endured in your life.  You are His.  His eyes view you through the filter of His Father.”

Remember How Christ Sees You

If you struggle with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, you may think, “I can’t do that. I can’t stop the thoughts in my head.” You may feel you have no choice because, after all, you are Borderline. I felt that way for years, but at 65, I live my life without chaos and only minimal fear of losing relationships. I worked hard to find the peace I have. I did not achieve it simply by praying or through hours of therapy. I achieved it by blending what God says about our thought processes, “Take every thought captive” and what psychology/education says about controlling emotions, “The head rules the belly through the chest-the seat…of Magnanimity, of emotions organized by trained habit into stable sentiments.[3]

I do not always remember to take every thought captive.  

I don’t always remember the comforting image that I saw on the Lubbock hillside when an unexpected crisis hits.  In those moments I turn to friends I trust to remind me what I have forgotten I ask them to tell me to choose to take every thought captive.  They gently urge me to line up each thought with the truth that God loves me.  Then the spiral stops and I can focus on the crisis without the distraction of negative thoughts. My daughter told me years ago, “Mom, God did not create you with Borderline Personality Disorder.” However, I still have moments where the old thought pattern creeps into my mind. I do not experience the extreme emotional swings or impulses that were everyday events for years. Taking my thoughts captive may not change the circumstances that led to the emotional event, but it does change me in that circumstance. Today I manage crises much better than I did 30 years ago. I am content and peaceful most days. I rarely think about the diagnosis that immobilized me for so many years. I did not change overnight and I am not without occasional episodes that lead my daughter to say with a smile, “Your borderline is showing, Mom.” Today a gentle comment is generally all it takes to remind me to stop, think and take my thought captive.

In my next post, I will describe how to take your thoughts captive by providing a tool that you can use everyday.

[1]  C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man, (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 2001), 25.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

At Last I Stand Approved

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” is the result of splitting the original Sonnet IV from the “What Kind of Love is This” Sonnet series into two Sonnets.

Introduction

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” is the result of splitting the original Sonnet IV from the “What Kind of Love is This” Sonnet series into two Sonnets. The original Sonnet was written for a Modern/Post Modern course at Houston Baptist University Master of Arts in Apologetics program. The assignment limited me to four Sonnets for the final project. I wanted to tell as much of the story of language distortion as possible within the confines of the course requirements, but doing so resulted in a compressed timeline in Sonnet IV.

I reworked the original Sonnet IV to address age fifty-five when I met my second husband, John. You can read the revision here.

Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved illustrates my acceptance of my true worth. In this sonnet, I look back at my marriage to John to show how the relationship with him helped me accept how God views me and finally reject my father lies. Through the imagery in the first few lines, I describe my inner transformation and acceptance of a different meaning of love.  The last quatrain describes my current understanding of love. I begin with the disclosure that I am a widow, but the loss does not change the truth. Line ten answers the question asked at the end of Sonnet I.  The declarations found in the remaining two lines of the quatrain provide transition from earthly love to Divine Love. The final couplet confirms that the language distortion no longer controls my thinking and I know the true meaning of love.

 

The truth revealed, now I know what love is.

At sixty-five, I can finally say

I knew the kind of love that could dismiss

Distorted views of love that led astray.

For eight short years, we shared one soul, one heart.

He made me laugh at times when life was tough.

He taught me how to love and draw apart

To understand that God’s love is enough.

I am a widow now, and still, I know

That Daddy’s words were lies and not the truth.

When I feel the tempter’s frightening blow

I stand my ground and say, “I know my worth!”

And, by His crimson blood, my stains removed.

Transformed, and white as snow I stand approved.

 

Related Posts:

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

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