Between my Sophomore and Junior year of college, my anxiety and depression grew more profound as did my compulsion to act out sexually. If I dated someone who was not interested in a sexual relationship, I broke up with them. I felt trapped and believed I must be evil.

Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to provide some insight into how God parents His creation. While most of my posts are informal, for this series, I divided an essay I wrote for a graduate school course into five posts. Perhaps the rational approach to this very emotional topic will help someone who currently struggles with the problem of evil in our world. 

My husband,John, helped me resolve the distorted view of love my parents created through abuse. I felt loved for who I am, not what I could offer him.  I decided that posting my latest letter to heaven I might help someone realize there is hope even amid tragedy.

leaving the security of familiar coping mechanisms is terrifying. Especially when nothing seems to ease the fear and pain like what I knew. When the “new life” became difficult or not what I expected, I wanted to return to the comfortable. I wanted what was comfortable even though it was dangerous and painful.

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the idea of capturing my thoughts. I want to delve into that a bit more. Part of my recovery from the trauma I experienced as a child included learning how to manage emotional spirals.