Tag: sexual abuse

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made is the second blog of a three-part series. In this blog, I describe how I come face to face with my distorted self-image. I knew the truth, but still felt unlovable. One simple change altered who I saw when I looked in the mirror.  

I have struggled with a variety of habits, hurts, and behaviors for most of my life.  My drugs of choice have included overeating to fill the emptiness in my soul, sex to avoid true intimacy and to punish myself, prescription drugs to numb physical and emotional pain.  I also pushed people out of my life by being unpredictable and mean.  I spent years searching for a way to change who I was because I did not like the person I saw in the mirror.  I could not understand how anyone could possibly love the person I saw.

From powerless to empowered

For years I worked on the emotional issues created by an abusive childhood. Although I got better, my soul remained empty. I turned to deliverance and found relief, but the habits returned. I felt worse because I thought surely God had given up on me. Why else would everything come back?  I was hopeless, powerless and empty.

Finally, I found a scripture that changed how I saw myself.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

I read the words: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” over and over.  God did not create Charlotte Thomason, the overeater, the sex addict, the emotional disaster that I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was formed by Him for a specific purpose.  My identity was not my bad habits, my behaviors, my thoughts.  I was wonderfully made!

The first step toward changing my thought pattern was to change the way I talked about my struggles.

Although it felt strange at first, I no longer said I am a sex addict, or I am an overeater.  Instead, I made one small change and began saying, “I struggle with sex and overeating, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I admitted the struggle but removed it as my identity.  Each time I made this statement, the power of the struggle decreased.

I realized that changing my thoughts made all the difference in my actions.  Stopping the negative thoughts before they took control and replacing those thoughts with a scripture about who I am allowed me to heal.  I replaced the power of the struggle with the power of the Word.  I stopped acting like an addict and began acting like someone who struggled. This did not happen overnight, but over time, the old behaviors occurred less frequently. Eventually disappearing from my everyday existence. The thoughts would creep back, but I knew how to stop them.

Knowing the truth puts things in perspective

Paul writes “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)  He is not saying he cannot change, but rather his inner man cannot do what is right.  He declares the need for something more.  That something more includes changing just one thought at a time.  Changing the thought that, “I will always be this way.  It is just who I am.” To “I am a child of God who struggles with alcohol.” Just this one simple act can stop you one time from acting on the old belief of who you are.

One thought, one minute, one hour, one day is enough to make a change in your soul.  You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day.  You can climb it one thought at a time.  You were not created as an ……(fill in the blank for yourself.)  You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I still struggle with overeating in times of stress, but I always return to the truth of who I am.  I have never returned to the darkness of despair of 20 years ago.  I know I cannot overcome the struggles in my life alone.  I can only control my thoughts.  I can replace negative thinking with what the Word says about me.  I can stand on the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You can do the same. Take the first step.  Realize the truth of who you are. Allow God to walk by your side down the road of recovery.

 

Related Posts:

Know the Truth

How do I Change?

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet III. How Can I Make It Right?

Know the Truth

“Over the next few weeks at The Meadows, a treatment center in Arizona, I learned that confession is only one step in the process of letting go of sin.”

Addiction is a common by-product of childhood trauma. In Fact, according to a study conducted by the NCBI, “This study reveals an extraordinarily high frequency of physical and sexual abuse among both women and men admitted for detoxification in an urban inpatient facility: 72% experienced interpersonal trauma and 75% of them first experienced it as children. The frequency of physical and sexual abuse is similar to that found in other studies of clients at methadone and detoxification programs” (Clark et al., 2001; Gil-Rivas et al., 1997; Hien & Scheier, 1996). Understanding the reason for my behavior helped me take the steps needed to change how I viewed myself, my relationships, and God. I decided to address three core issues of addiction: confession,  by sharing my experience with confession, identity, and surrender. The first blog, Know the Truth describes the importance of confession to the healing process but also describes what might follow confession.

I sat nervously in the waiting area for my appointment with the Chaplin.  I shook with fear at the thought of revealing the secrets listed on the tear-stained paper I held in my hand.  My thoughts raced as I waited my turn. “I can’t tell him this.  I’ll cross this one off. Nobody will know.” Before I could do that, the door opened and the Chaplin welcomed me into the “room of doom” at least that is what it felt like in that moment.

One hour later I emerged from the Chaplin’s office relieved that the ordeal was over.  My heart was a little lighter, but I was not convinced that my confessions freed me from condemnation.  After all, the Chaplin barely knew me.  I would never see him again.  I wasn’t sure I could trust him.  In fact, my primary thought was, “this is great, but if ___- knew all of this they would not be so gracious.”

Over the next few weeks at The Meadows, a treatment center in Arizona, I learned that confession is only one step in the process of letting go of sin.

 

Examine, confess, forgive

After 6 weeks, I returned home.  My heart was at peace, my mind calm and I believed I was healed to the very depths of my soul.  However, within a few days, I was an emotional and spiritual mess.  One month after my return home, I was admitted to the local psychiatric hospital. Once I was discharged from the inpatient program, I was admitted to the day program where I remained for 1 year.  During that year, I healed emotionally and was eventually able to return to work.  There was still something missing in my healing process, the final step would come slowly as I began to pray this prayer daily.

I will daily examine my ways and test them, and return to the Lord. (Lamentations 3:40) confessing that I have sinned and asking for prayer and I will pray for my sisters and brothers so that I too may be healed. (James 5:16).  I rejoice that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and that nothing can separate me from the love of God! (Romans 8:38-39)  I humble myself before the Lord so that He may lift me up. (James 4:10)

This prayer, composed of several paraphrased scriptures, sums up what was missing.  The truth is true freedom and total healing comes:

  1. Through a daily examination of my behaviors.
  2. Confessing those behaviors to someone
  3. Asking for forgiveness when needed
  4. Forgiving myself
  5. Accepting the forgiveness of Christ

More than Words

The prayer alone does not heal nor does it set you free.  Rather it is a call to action.  We are active participants in our healing.  We must take responsibility for our part, which is to ask, to examine and to seek help from others (professional counseling if needed), and to believe that we are forgiven and to forgive others.  (I will address forgiveness in more detail in another blog).  The Truth that will set you free is realizing we are in a spiritual battle.  Although the war is already won, the enemy will do all he can to convince us that we are not free.  I do not fear the battle, but I do not take it for granted either.  I know that I must connect with God daily and fill my mind with His truth daily, so that I am ready for the “fiery darts” the enemy may send my way.

 

Each day Lord I will put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, I will be able to stand my ground, and after I have done everything, to stand. (Ephesians 6:13) Keeping this in mind, I will be alert and always keep praying. (Ephesians 6:18b)

 

Relationship

 

Sounds intense? Perhaps a simpler way to view this process is to think about the struggles you currently have. (Drugs, porn, food, sex, alcohol, working too much).  For each of these struggles take a moment to honestly think how much time do you spend every day thinking about these struggles? You may not act on the thought, but the thought is there.  What would happen if you spent that time getting to know God through Christ?  There are so many ways to do that.  Just sitting quietly, listening to music, walking, prayer, reading about Him and so many more. Recently, my daughter posed this question to a group of women in attendance at a women’s conference.  “How much time do you invest in building your relationship with your spouse or your family?”  She went on to ask, “What would happen if you only spent 10 ten minutes a day or 2 hours on Sunday with them?”   How much richer will your relationship with God be if you spend the time you currently spend with your struggle with God?

 

Granted this is not easy, but it is simple.  Like any new habit, we must practice, practice, and practice until the new behavior becomes the norm.  Christ is there to walk beside you. Seek Him and you will find Him.

 

 

 

 

 

Related Posts:

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

How do I Change?

What Kind of Love is This? Part I

What Kind of Love is This?- Part II

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

The Truth Revealed

describes my inner transformation and tentative acceptance of a different meaning of love.

Oh, can you tell me how to make this right?

At fifty-five, I think I understand

That love can last beyond the morning light

And is not gained by force nor by command.

I longed to meet someone who showed me how

To love, without demand without the pain.

Then, I did meet someone who sought to know

The beauty that I hid behind my shame.

Unlike the first, he listened to the tale

Of love’s deception and of battles fought

Against the lies, the pain to get it right.

Friendship first, no kiss, no demands were sought.

Now we stand and say our vows, our first kiss.

The truth revealed, now I know what love is.

 

OTHER RELATED POSTS:

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Abide Where I Cannot See?

III. How Can I Make It Right?

Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

How Can I Make It Right?

describes my internal conflict between the truth and a behavior pattern that seems impossible to break.

Does true love reside where I cannot see?

At forty-five, I don’t know where to look.

The mirror reveals the truth, the real me,

The tired, empty soul now opened like a book.

Yet, no one sees the face that seeks release.

A glowing screen beckons me to draw near.

Its deceptive words promise perfect peace.

Messages of love meant to ease my fear.

No more! I won’t believe the tempter’s lie.

No more! I won’t believe what Daddy said.

No more! I won’t let true love pass me by.

No more! I will believe the debt is paid.

Oh Lord, please hold me in your arms tonight.

Oh, can you tell me how to make this right?

 

RELATED POSTS:

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

How do I Change?

 

Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

expresses the distrust, confusion, and hopelessness that often accompanies language distortion of sex and love.

Are Daddy’s words the truth or does he lie?

At twenty-six I learned that love must mean

Always give in or lose the fight and die.

Is my belief in love a worthless dream?

The one I married said, “please stay and play.”

I thought he loved me but I was a fool.

It’s all pretense so he could get his way.

I think love can’t be kind; it’s always cruel.

I think love can’t be seen by souls like mine.

I’ve lost again, and don’t know how to win.

I don’t know where to turn or how to find

Love that is not cruel. Where do I begin?

Lord, can you tell me why love hides from me?

Does true love reside where I cannot see?

 

Other relevant posts:

III. How Can I Make It Right?

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

Sonnet II- Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?

 

 

Daddy’s Words

Expresses the distorted connection between love and sexual performance.

At eight years old, do I know what love means?

My Daddy says I do, but maybe not.

My Daddy smiles and tells me not to scream.

My Daddy smirks, “Just do what you were taught.”

My Daddy sighs … I wonder why his love

Must hurt. What can I do to stop the pain?

With hope I shift my eyes and look above

The bed. Escape and find relief again.

A slap…relief retreats, “What’s wrong with you?”

My Daddy shouts, “Why can’t you get it right?”

My Daddy turns away. Can it be true?

I can’t be loved except for his delight.

Despairing, I plead, “Jesus hear my cry.”

Are Daddy’s words the truth or does he lie?

 

Other relevant posts:

Sonnet II- Does Love Abide Where I Cannot See?

What Kind of Love is This?- Part IIWhat Kind of Love is This? Part I

What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

 

Distorted Love

Sometimes poetry allows expression of emotion that prose does not allow. Writing these Sonnets helped me connect the thread of how my early experiences affected how I defined love and my relationships with others, with myself and how I interpreted everyday experiences.

Modern culture often distorts the love through carelessness, but sometimes “deliberately… by those who find it in their interests to render” the term love “empty of meaning.”[1] Child sexual abuse, for example, distorts love at a vulnerable age. The abuser deliberately manipulates the child by implying that love and sex are the same act. For me, love distorted by my father and others from a very young age.

There are many ways to convey the hurt, anger and confusion created by such a distortion. Poetry provides an avenue for creative expression that helped me reveal my inner turmoil and eventual relief in a simple form. I chose a specific form of poetry, the sonnet.  In the four-sonnet sequence, I describe how my early experience of sexual abuse from my father created a distorted understanding of love in my mind. The distortion continued for most of my life. My sonnet sequence describes the paradox created by language distortion through sharing my experience at five stages of my life: age eight, age twenty-six, age forty-five, age fifty-five and age sixty-five.

In ‘Sonnet I-Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?’ I describe the confusion created by sexual abuse. In ‘Sonnet II-Does Love Reside Where I Cannot See?’ I describe how the distorted link between love and sexual performance led me to marry my first husband. In ‘Sonnet III-How Can I Make It Right?’ I describe my battle with pornography and promiscuity, a common outcome for an adult who experiences sexual abuse as children.

In “Sonnet IV-The Truth Revealed,” I describe the pivotal event that redefined love for me.  I describe my inner transformation and tentative acceptance of a different meaning of love.  The first two quatrains describe meeting John, my second husband. In the second quatrain, I describe our wedding, emphasizing the kiss. While I do not say this directly, I imply that the wedding kiss was our first kiss. I begin the sonnet questioning love but move quickly toward acceptance of John’s love which did not include sexual intimacy prior to our marriage.

“Sonnet V-At Last I Stand Approved” describes how my relationship with John transformed my distorted view of love. The last six lines describe my current understanding of love. I begin with the disclosure that I am a widow, but the loss does not change the truth. Line ten answers the question asked at the end of Sonnet I.  The declarations found in the remaining two lines of the provide the transition from earthly love to Divine Love. The final couplet confirms that the language distortion no longer controls my thinking and I know the true meaning of love.

Sometimes poetry allows expression of emotion that prose does not allow. Writing these Sonnets helped me connect the thread of how my early experiences affected how I defined love and my relationships with others, with myself and how I interpreted everyday experiences. I hope they provide comfort, hope and encouragement to you or someone you love.

Each Sonnet tells part of my story. Please contact me if you have any questions or comments. Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?  What Kind of Love is This? Part I   What Kind of Love is This?- Part II

[1]Holly Ordway, Apologetics and the Christian imagination: an integrated approach to defending the faith (Steubenville: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2017), 59.

 

 

 

Because We are Good

As I struggled to comprehend how God could love me, I struggled with an equally troubling question, “How could God love the family members who hurt me?” 

pexels-photo-733881.jpeg

“How could God love the family members who hurt me?”

As I struggled to comprehend how God could love me, I struggled with an equally troubling question, “How could God love the family members who hurt me?”  Such questions are common among women who experienced abuse as children.  Part I answered the question, “How could God love me?” In Part II, I will respond to the question listed above.

For many years I simply could not understand why God did not stop my family’s abuse.  I was angry at God, yet never lost hope that someday I would understand.  I wish someone would have pointed me to St. Thomas when I was overwhelmed with anger and guilt.  Now, do not misunderstand, I eventually forgave and moved on. However, I think St. Thomas’ argument about the basic concepts of ‘being’, ‘good’ and how He views sin may shed new light to help women who struggle with how God’s love extends to their abusers.

We are beings created in God’s image and hold a place higher than every other creature.

The initial question is: Does God love all things equally?  The answer is no. When you consider all the things God created, He definitely has a hierarchy.  He loves humanity more than animals or rocks or trees.  Why, you may ask, because humanity is rational and created in His image.  We are second only to the love God has for Christ.  We are beings created in God’s image and hold a place higher than every other creature. God came to earth as a man, not a rock or a tree. He did not come as a dog or a cat but as a man.[3]

How does this affect a survivor that questions God’s love for their abuser? First, as we determined in Part I, God loves all things. Secondly, He loves humanity more than other things because we are beings, not things. As I stated in Part I, we know that every being that God creates is good just because God creates it out of His perfect goodness. Based on the definition of ‘being’ in the glossary of St. Thomas’Shorter Summa, being means “that which is, whether actual or potential and whether in the mind (a ‘being of reason’) or in objective reality (a ‘being in nature’).”[4] In other words, a being exists as an entity that has qualities and potential.

What changes is God’s love of our actions and choices, which affects our relationship with Him.

What happens after creation does not change the fact that God created beings that are good beings.  Even a being who makes choices that lead to evil are still beings, which exist no matter what choices they make. God’s love for that being that He wills good to does not change. What changes is God’s love of our actions and choices, which affects our relationship with Him.  No matter what, the good being still exists.  God still considers the creation good.  He still loves the being (person) that He created.

However, as C.S. Lewis describes it in Mere Christianity with each choice we make, we either become more a heavenly creature or a more hellish creature.[5]   If we think of it as two aspects, the person, and the choices that change the relationship, we might understand the concept better.  The person(being) is always loved because God created us.  However, the choices we make either bring us closer to God or move us farther away.

God knows the potential of each person and wants us to receive the fullness of the good that He desires for us.[6]  He desires this for all His creation including abusers.  He loves them because He created them and they exist, but He does not love what they do.  The more they sin, the more they lose the humanity God created in them. Sin decreases their ability to experience the fullness of life and removes their desire to know God.

In all of this, God loves them as the being that He created. When they yield to evil, He cannot interact with them because evil does not come from God.[7]  While this explanation may seem too rational for some survivors, for me, it clarifies how God could love those who abused me.  Knowing that God loves all His creation, but not their sin makes sense to me.  When I combine that knowledge with faith, I understand that even when I feel ill-equipped to show love to those, I care about, I can ask Him to help me love them.  He will empower me with His strength.  He will be there. Perhaps understanding that God loves all things and that we are second only to Christ in His hierarchy will help you accept God’s love and the fullness that He desires for you. Perhaps you can fully comprehend John’s statement, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God, and so we are.”[8]

[3] Peter Kreeft, A Shorter Summa: The Essential Philosophical Passages of St. Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica ; Edited and Explained (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993),  86.

[4] Ibid, 28.

[5] Lewis, Mere Christianity, 86.

[6] Kreeft, 85.

[7] Ibid.

[8] I John 3:1-3.

What Kind of Love is This?

newborn-baby-feet-basket-161709.jpegAs tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought, “How can I ever give her the love she needs?”

As I held my beautiful newborn daughter for the first time an unfamiliar feeling flowed over me. As tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought, “How can I ever give her the love she needs?  I don’t know what it feels like to be loved as I love her.”   As Korine opened her eyes, I prayed, “Lord what kind of love is this?”  How do I show her this kind of love?”  My greatest wish was to show my daughter the love I never received.  I wanted her to feel the depth of love that I felt at that moment.

To me, love meant abuse. Love meant pain, betrayal, and isolation.

As I look back on the experience, I understand why I felt so lost when it came to showing love to anyone, even my child.  To me, love meant abuse. Love meant pain, betrayal, and isolation.  For much of Korine’s childhood, I was a mess of depression and anxiety.  As I journeyed through the darkness created by the abuse I endured as a child; I often could barely put one foot in front of another.  I made mistakes. I felt helpless. Worry plagued me that I was a horrible mother. But in the midst of the chaos, somehow, Korine felt loved.

For some, associating the term love to God brings up fear and anger rather than peace and joy.

As the years passed, I constantly wondered: How could I love my daughter when I felt so unloved?  How did I know about unconditional love?  Sure, I considered the idea that the source was God, but I never completely believed He could love me or show me how to love someone else.  I knew God loved my daughter, but could not comprehend His love for me. I experienced intense emotions associated with what I thought was God’s love, but seeds of doubt kept me from fully embracing the idea that God loved me. I had faith, but rationally, God’s unconditional love eluded me.

Eventually, I realized my story was common among survivors of childhood abuse. For many, scripture and faith may provide a level of healing. However, the idea that God could love them simply does not make sense, which makes accepting His love nearly impossible.  While they can accept Christ and love God, many women need to understand how God could love them.  Like me, they may believe that God loves others but struggle with being loved by Him. For some, associating the term love to God brings up fear and anger rather than peace and joy.

St. Thomas Aquinas provides answers to the question, “How can God love me and How can God love the person who hurt me?”

Fortunately, a medieval philosopher, St. Thomas Aquinas provides much needed and reasonable answers to the survivor’s questions. “How can God love me and How can God love the person who hurt me?”  St. Thomas answers the questions by skillfully marrying reason and faith in concise arguments that may help survivors understand the extent of God’s love.

St. Thomas begins by explaining what he means by God’s love, which helps eliminate the distorted view of love that survivors of sexual abuse often have of the term.  According to St. Thomas, “God loves all existing things.”[1] St. Thomas continues by explaining that because God’s will is the cause of all things, any existing thing exists because God willed that it should exist.  From Genesis, we know that at the end of every day of creation, God looked out on what He had created and said, “It is good.”  It is reasonable then to say that we are good just because we exist. Since according to St. Thomas, love means to will good, God loves all things, no matter what happens to you.  God created you. Therefore He loves you.[2]

Such a description may take some of the mystery out of the nature of God’s love. For a survivor who often views love as power, control or pain, considering the alternative that God’s love means that He wants only good for you may help you see God differently.  He is not the father, uncle, cousin or brother that abused you. His expression of love means He wants the best for you, with nothing expected in return.  He does not want to control you but wants you to experience unconditional love.  Just as I experienced incredible love for Korine the day I held her for the first time, God loves me simply because I exist. The knowledge helps me understand that the kind of love the Father has for me is the love of a Creator for His creation.

Other relevant posts: What Kind of Love is This?- Part II  What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

 

[1] Peter Kreeft, A Shorter Summa: The Essential Philosophical Passages of St. Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica ; Edited and Explained (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993), 85.

[2] Ibid.

 

 

The Journey Begins

My journey toward healing began at age 34.  At the time I could not fathom the thought that one day I would tell my story so others might find hope in the midst of darkness. My journey was long, hard and at times seemed hopeless. Healing did not come quickly or easily but required every ounce of emotional, spiritual and physical strength I could muster.

Thanks for joining me! My journey toward healing began at age 34.  At the time I could not fathom the thought that one day I would tell my story so others might find hope in the midst of darkness. My journey was long, hard and at times seemed hopeless. Healing did not come quickly or easily but required every ounce of emotional, spiritual and physical strength I could muster. Sometimes, my strength was gone. At those times, I believe God stepped in and held me close, lifted me out of the darkness and gave me hope.

Now a new journey begins. A journey that I hope will bring even a small glimpse of hope to my readers.  My message is for those who experienced childhood trauma at the hands of those who should have cared for them. The message is also for those who love those individuals. I hope that you will believe you are not defined by what happened to you. Your identity was distorted by those who should have known better. You can change that, and you can find new ways to connect to God, to others, and to your circumstances.

First series: What Kind of Love is This? Part I , What Kind of Love is This?- Part II , What Kind of Love is This? Part III Sonnets

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