Category: Blogs

Are You Planted In Christ?

This blog was originally published several years ago. However, as I struggle to find the words to convey hope and redemption through a memoir, my thoughts drift back to the posts I wrote during another season in my life. Reading this post helped me remember the importance of being firmly planted in Christ. The thoughts are as relevant today as they were years ago.

Note: This blog was originally published several years ago. However, as I struggle to find the words to convey hope and redemption through a memoir, my thoughts drift back to the posts I wrote during another season in my life. Reading this post helped me remember the importance of being firmly planted in Christ. The thoughts seem as relevant today as they were years ago.

Several years ago, my father-in-law gave me a “money tree” plant which has five interwoven trunks.  At the time, he had no idea that I am the world’s worst at keeping plants alive. Because the tree was a gift, I was determined to do all I could to keep this tiny tree alive.  Initially, I was diligent about watering the tiny tree and ensuring it had the perfect amount of light to grow.  Then life got in the way. The tree sat unattended for over a month on the window ledge in the kitchen.  A friend asked me if I wanted to throw it away because it looked dead.  I almost said yes, but then I remembered my resolve to keep the tree alive.  Upon closer examination, I saw a tiny bit of green in the trunk of the tree. It was still alive!  Instead of throwing it away, I put it in a bigger pot with new soil and prayed it would survive. It did survive, but my pattern of periodic neglect took its toll.

Although the tree is still alive, 3 of the five trunks withered and died because I did not provide the proper care.

I remember sitting on the couch looking at the yellowing leaves and the withered trunk thinking, “I need to get another pot and replant it.”  By the next morning, life got in the way, and I forgot.  I often forgot to water the tree, or sometimes I think I overwatered it.  I replanted it twice.  Each time when I lifted the trunk from the pot, I threw away the dead, hollow trunks.  Both times, I noticed that the roots on the remaining trunks were underdeveloped.

The new soil was rich in nutrients, so the remaining trunks flourished.  However, the trunks were not strong enough to carry the weight of the leaves, so I placed support in the pot.   Each time  I replanted it, I took excellent care of the plant for a few weeks, sometimes for months.  The remaining trunks were small, but eventually, they no longer needed the external support to stand straight. What they do need is rich soil, water, and just the right amount of sun.

I realized that my connection to God through Christ was similar to my care of the tree.

I received the gift of salvation from my heavenly Father when I accepted Christ.  I vowed to take care of the gift so it would grow.  However, I did not realize how to take care of the gift.  My knowledge was distorted and at best superficial.  The roots of my faith were shallow and easily swayed by the temptations of the world.  I “looked” good on the outside, but my soul was slowly withering. Just when I felt I had “killed” the gift, God dramatically intervened letting me know that he saw the tiny piece of my heart that was still beating for him.

God replanted me in rich soil.

Once again, I vowed to allow the gift to take root.  I prayed, studied and surrounded myself with those that were deeply rooted in Christ.  My faith grew, my roots became stronger, but life got in the way.  I forgot to seek God when trials struck. I became angry when I could not do the right thing.  I no longer nourished my faith and resented those who tried to help me.  The battle between the world and God ripped my soul in half.   The once rich soil became a wasteland.  I struggled to find strength in the barren soil.  I sought comfort in worldly pleasures without regard for the gift I had vowed to care for.  Soon the once strong roots began to wither.  I thought I could manage to have both dead wood (sin) and strong roots (Christ).  Nothing could be further from the truth.

I had to build a stronger root system.

 Although I knew what I needed to do, it took a while for me to remove the empty, lifeless behaviors.

I could not stand on my strength and did not wholly trust the strength that comes through Christ.  During this season, I relied on friends, family and my church family to keep me from falling.  When I began to slip, they were there to catch me and prop me back up by pointing me back to the source. (God).  Eventually, my roots grew deep and strong.  I trusted the promises that were once just words on a page.  I was now rooted in Christ. When trials come, I can resist temptation because I am rooted in Christ.  When I falter, his strength sustains me. For the first time in my life I understood what Paul meant when he wrote:

Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him. Colossians 2:6-7

The key is to live in Christ.  Not outside admiring Him, but truly living in Christ and through Christ.  That is the only way to have roots deep enough to withstand the world’s temptations.  When I falter or fall, being rooted in Christ allows me to not only experience forgiveness but to grow and move forward.

For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified. Hebrews 10:14

Living in him requires diligence, faith, prayer, and repentance. Just like my tree, my roots grow strong when I keep the soil rich, watered and just the right amount of the SON.  The seed was planted the day I accepted Christ.  How much it flourishes depends on how I take care of the seed.

 

The Honesty of God’s Touch

Sometimes when God touches me, the honesty seems too much.  Sometimes, I don’t want Him to see the “real me”.  The truth is He always sees the real me.

Recently, as I watched a commercial for the new Ford Mustang, I smiled as a song from my college years played in the background.  “Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much.”   This 70’s hit by Dan Hill, conveys the struggle of feeling and expressing love.  When I looked up the words to the entire song, I realized that many of the lyrics could apply to God’s relationship with us and our relationship with Him. Sometimes when God touches me, the honesty seems too much.  Sometimes, I don’t want Him to see the “real me”.  The truth is He always sees the real me. When I let go of my pride, only then can I truly experience the Honesty of God’s touch.  Only then can I allow Him to hold me until my fear, pride, and pain subside.

Trapped within my truth

How many times have I cried out to God, “how could you let this happen?”  or “You can’t really want ME to do that, do you?” Sometimes I don’t wait for an answer and simply return to the safety of what I know.  I dismiss the still small voice as nothing more than a passing thought.  After all, I know me better than anyone.  Sometimes I argue with God as if He really doesn’t know what is best for me.  I stay trapped and immobile because I choose to stay trapped in “my truth”.  I don’t want to move out of the safety of the familiar and the comfortable.  I fight the honesty of God’s touch.  Until that moment when he brings me to my knees because my truth suffocates me.  Once on my knees, God’s presence pours over me with power, peace and strength.  In that moment, all is well.  My mind tries to comprehend the touch but cannot.  His love surrounds me and I realize the “real me” is more than my thoughts, habits and hurt.  The real me has been touched by God to be all He created me to be. His truth heals.  His truth reveals.  His truth brings peace.

He understands How Hard I Try

Sometimes we try too hard to experience God.  The truth is God is everywhere.  He touches us every day.  I recall a time shortly after my husband, John, died when I commented to a friend, “I don’t feel God. I know He is there, but I don’t feel His presence.”  I tried hard to make the feeling of God’s presence real, but nothing worked.  Finally, one day as I drove to work, I saw streams of light piercing the clouds on the horizon.  I smiled through my tears as I felt the honesty of God’s touch for a moment.

I realized in that moment that God always wants to touch us.  I also realized that His touch comes in unexpected ways.  Sometimes it comes from a friend who calls at just the right moment to comfort or encourage us.  He touches us through worship when we feel Him through music.  Those passing thoughts that prompt us to be more than we think we can be are often God’s touch.

“Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31.

Like Peter, we have to get out of our “boat” of our expectations to experience God’s touch.  Once we step out of the boat, His hand will keep us above water if we stay connected to Him.

We don’t have to work hard to feel His presence, but we do have to ask, listen and respond when we feel the Honesty of God’s touch.

God is constantly reaching out to us.  His hand is always outstretched.  Our task is simply to grab hold of the hand and allow God to lead us from our “truth” to what He has in store for us.

 

 

A Letter to My 13-year-old Self

as I embark on the task of telling my story in the form of a memoir, I wrote a letter to my younger self, Charlie. Charlie is the nickname given to me in the 7th grade. For some reason, I felt she needed reassurance that she is safe. Writing the letter eased my anxiety about starting the memoir and allowed me to voice my fears about the project.

A New Adventure Begins

On Monday, March 18, 2019, I begin the final class for the Master of Arts in Cultural Apologetics program at Houston Baptist University. The class provides the opportunity to complete a capstone project of our choosing. My project is beginning my memoir about the abuse I endured. However, the memoir chronicles more than the sexual, physical and emotional abuse inflicted on me. I wrote the detailed chronology of the abuse about 20 years ago but did not publish it. At sixty-six, I have the luxury of reflecting on my life much differently than at age forty-something. I see the consistent thread of God’s grace and the constant presence of Christ in my life. The memoir is not a testimony of instant relief or dramatic healing through deliverance; nor is it a clinic account of healing through intellectual and psychological understanding. There was no quick fix to the distress and chaos in my life. As I stated in other posts, I healed from the trauma by integrating faith, reason, and imagination. Letter writing is one of the most effective tools in my recovery toolkit. Writing letters, poems and journaling helped me express feelings and thoughts that were difficult to articulate any other way.

Who is Charlie?

Charlie is the nickname given to me in the 7th grade. I used the nickname throughout my teen and young adult years. When I started remembering the abuse at age 34, I went back to Charlotte, but I changed my middle name from Louise to Bethia.  I legally changed my middle name when I divorced my first husband. Charlie represents the child who could not speak for years because my mind silenced her.  For some reason, I felt she needed reassurance that she is safe. Writing the letter eased my anxiety about starting the memoir and allowed me to voice my fears about the project. For those who endured similar experiences as a child, think about what you might say in a letter to your younger self. As you read, imagine what your younger self needs to hear from you.

Dear Charlie,

Next week I begin to tell our story in a way that I never thought I would. I want to honor you in that telling, but I also must reveal things you may not be comfortable with other people knowing. You may feel betrayed by what I share. You want to hide or run away to one of your safe places. I understand because as I write, I sometimes want to run away too. The problem is that I can’t run anymore. I know you are afraid that somehow the bad people will find you and hurt you again, but I promise you they can’t find you. Most of them are dead and my name has changed so even if someone reads our story, they won’t know it’s you. I know they told you they would always find you no matter what and that you belonged to them, but they lied. They can’t hurt you anymore.

Remember how Jesus always came when you needed him most. He will not abandon you now. He will not leave you. He understands how frightened you are and will stay very close as I tell the world how badly you were hurt. He will help me explain how he kept your soul safe even when the bad people said they were stronger than him. They could not have your soul then and they will not get it now.

There are so many that need to know what you can tell them.

You never gave in to the demand to become like them. You fought them every day. They tried to break you, but you survived to fight another day. Yes, some who read the story will not believe that one little girl could endure so much pain. Some will say you made up the stories you tell. You heard the words, “that didn’t happen,” so many times that you believed them and forgot all they did to you. You invented a life that was absent of pain, a life that kept you sane.

You are Stronger than you think

When I remembered all you sought to hide, I nearly died. Sometimes I wanted to die to stop the pain. I did not understand that what happened was not my fault, nor was it your fault. I understand that now and want you to believe that you are not the evil person they said you were. You are a beautiful little girl who was robbed of innocence. You survived to tell the tale. You are not the frightened, defenseless child that hid in the corner. You are the beautiful, pure young woman who stood your ground when darkness engulfed you.

Charlie, our story will help other children who suffered in darkness. By telling the truth and sharing the light, others may finally see beyond the pain and finally be free. Put your fears to rest, little one. You are safe and no harm will come because the same Jesus who held you in the darkness stills guards your heart and your soul.

I love you,

Charlotte

What would you say in a letter to your younger self?

Related Posts:

Angel in the Cellar

Letters of Hope- Part One

The Child Left Behind

 

Imagination-Light in the Darkness

Imagination brings thoughts to life. Imagination can transform a life event into a readable story that points to redemption.

The Healing Power of Imagination

Healing from childhood trauma is hard. There is no shortcut, no quick fix, no magic potion that removes all the pain and disruption created by abuse. When my healing journey began, in February 1987, I wanted a quick fix. I told my therapist, “I will be done by Easter.” I thought I could plow through the newly emerging memories quickly and get on with my life. My rush to heal almost cost me my life because I pushed myself to the brink of insanity. Some who knew me, including my daughter, would say I went beyond the brink. I desperately wanted to know everything and wanted to know it NOW!

While I had a personal relationship with Christ, my image of Him and His love was distorted and unrealistic.

I sometimes viewed Christ with anger and resentment for not stopping the abuse, but as I wrote in The Problem of Evil, my faith in God sustained me. I desperately wanted God to zap away my pain. With each step into the darkness, I wanted God to rescue me. I wanted to see the light he promised me when I was eleven years old. All I could see was darkness, and I longed for the light. There were glimpses of light as memories of His presence surfaced. He was there in those moments when I thought all was lost. He protected my soul. As time passed, I realized that healing was a process, a journey, not an Instagram story that would disappear in a few hours. I also developed a closer, more personal relationship with Christ.

Imagination along with reason allowed me to put the pieces of my jumbled life together.

In his essay, ‘Bluspels and Flalansferes, A Semantic Nightmare,’ Lewis defines imagination as “the organ of meaning” and reason as “the natural organ of truth.”[1]  By using the term “organ” to describe imagination and reason, Lewis provides a concrete vehicle to discuss the relationship between these important principles.  By one definition, an organ can be, “a part of an organism that is typically self-contained and has a specific vital function, such as the heart or liver in humans.” [2] Lewis’s expands the idea by explaining that “Imagination is the organ of meaning and meaning is the antecedent condition both of truth and falsehood…  Reason is the natural organ of truth…Imagination is not the cause of truth… but its condition.”[3]  In, Can You Hear Me, Now? I explain different ways that imagination aided my healing process. I drew pictures to tell my story when words failed me. I wrote poetry, and I told a story. I had dialogs with God that resembled a movie script.

Imagination brings thoughts to life. Imagination can transform a life event into a readable story that points to redemption. The Spring 2019 issue of “An Unexpected Journal” published by a group of students and alums of the Master of Apologetics at Houston Baptist University demonstrates the power and importance of imagination. My daughter, Korine Martinez, transformed the near-death experience that I shared last week on the YouTube video, Near-Death Experience-an Unexpected Conversation into a powerful fictional short story. The story, “Light in the Darkness,” is included in the current issue. The story beautifully captures the essence of my experience while telling a compelling story of redemption, hope and overcoming evil. Korine’s vivid descriptions, captivating narrative and dynamic characters bring new life and meaning to the event. Light in the darkness demonstrates the power of imagination through storytelling.

You don’t want to miss this story! click here to read Light in the Darkness

Related Posts

Near-Death Experience-an Unexpected Conversation

Can You Hear Me, Now?

 

[1] C. S. Lewis, Selected Literary Essays, ed. Walter Hooper, (Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2015), 265.

[2] Oxford online Dictionary, accessed 3/28/16, www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/organ).

[3] Lewis, Selected Literary Essays, 265.

Can You Hear Me, Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Several years ago, the phrase “Can you hear me now?” became a popular slogan for a major cell phone company. Paul, the spokesperson, was shown walking around with his cell phone to his ear, asking the question, “can you hear me now?” He said the phrase repeatedly in the 30-60 second commercials to get across the idea that Verizon had the most reliable service. As you may know, Paul currently appears in a commercial for Sprint, one of Verizon’s biggest competitors. He found a new venue for his message. He is the same person and he still sells cell phones, but the message is slightly different. He doesn’t claim that Sprint has the best coverage, but that it is within 2% of the best. The most recent commercials include robots who confirm Paul’s claims. Paul’s basic message is the same, but his delivery changed to accommodate a new audience and new technology. Similarly, when I started this blog ten months ago, I mentally asked the question, “Will they hear me?” I knew my writing would include multiple forms including poetry, essays, blogs, journals, and letters. Now, thirty-plus posts later, I realize that like, Paul, the cell phone spokesperson, parts of my story can be shared in ways I never imagined. Asking the question, “Can you hear me now?” means allowing my voice to be heard in unexpected places. It means taking risks by posting in groups on social media and being prepared for the challenges that follow each post.

An Unexpected Voice

My blog followers are as varied as the style and content of the posts. They include psychologists, apologists, survivors, those struggling with mental illness, family and friends.  Each post reaches a different audience and results in a unique response. My recent post, The Problem of Evil was shared with a largely academic audience via social media. One response surprised me but also illustrates how a story brings unexpected outreach. My classmate, Richard Eng, asked if he could use the vignette at the beginning of The Problem of Evil in a sermon.  His sermon tackles the Problem of Evil through the story of Joseph. Richard ends his sermon by explaining that Christ doesn’t always rescue us from the pain or the evil, but rather is there to get us through the trial or temptation. He told my story to illustrate that even amid a horrible situation, my faith in Christ sustained me. After watching the video, I understand even more clearly that my story can be heard in ways and in places I never expected. For years, I wondered if anyone would hear me. Richard demonstrates yet another way I can say, “They hear me, now.”

To most survivors being heard is a vital piece of healing from childhood trauma. If you are a survivor, please do not be afraid to write, sing, draw, or shout your story of healing. Now is the time for you to know that “yes, they can hear you now.”

To watch Richard’s sermon, click here.

Related Posts:

The Problem of Evil

Angel in the Cellar

Sonnet I -Are Daddy’s Words the Truth or Does He Lie?

It is Well with My Soul

Although my tormentors inflicted unspeakable acts of violence, sexual and emotional abuse upon me as a child, they could not destroy my soul. Each time that I cried out to Jesus, I felt His presence. Sometimes I did not completely understand that it was Him, but I felt Him. I “knew” He was there.

Over the past few weeks, I have struggled to find a way to convey the power and peace that God’s presence provided throughout my life. Understandably, many survivors of child sexual abuse feel abandoned by and angry at God for not intervening. My last two posts reminded me that even in the darkest moments, I was not alone. Sometimes I did not realize that God was watching and caring for me because His protection came in the form of allowing me to dissociate and run to Christ or an angel when the abuse became unbearable. Sometimes I experienced courage and calmness that allowed me to resist the demands of my tormentors. As I look back, I recall feeling angry, depressed and on a few occasions suicidal as I navigated remembering and re-experiencing the trauma. Admittedly, I sometimes felt that God hated me because of my sinful behavior and wondered why he did not intervene. However, as I explain in The Problem of Evil, “Though it took years, I finally understood and accepted that God did not ignore my pleas for rescue, but he followed the rules of providential guidance. He could not interfere with the free will of those who abused me. However, he did protect me from death and eventually turned what seemed like pointless evil into a powerful testimony of redemption.” As I considered how to convey the emotional and spiritual connection that kept me sane and alive, I found this video on YouTube of one of my favorite hymns, “It is Well with My Soul.” As I watched the video and read the words, tears filled my eyes. The song perfectly conveys my message to those who struggle with the existence of seemingly pointless evil.

 Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say; It is well, it is well with my soul.

The song describes the importance of pausing to consider how we find peace even when we do not understand why events happen in our lives. “It is Well with My Soul” was written in 1873 by Horatio G. Spafford, a successful Chicago businessman. Mr. Spafford experienced a series of tragedies of the course of two years including the death of four children in a shipwreck. He penned the words to “It is Well with my Soul” while traveling by ship to meet his wife, Anna, who survived the tragedy.[1]

When darkness surrounded me, God was the light

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His blood for my soul.

Although my tormentors inflicted unspeakable acts of violence, sexual and emotional abuse upon me as a child, they could not destroy my soul. Each time that I cried out to Jesus, I felt His presence. Sometimes I did not completely understand that it was Him, but I felt Him. I “knew” He was there. Whether it was The Angel in the Cellar, Jesus holding me at the foot of the bed, my pastor unexpectedly showing up just as I was about to take my life or a vision of Jesus in a dark, lonely cell where I almost gave up, I knew God was the source of my strength. I knew Jesus died for my sins and that God loved me. Without the knowledge of God’s love, I doubt I would be alive today. My experience is perhaps best described by the definition of faith found in Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” The Matthew Henry Commentary explains that

“Faith and hope go together…It is a firm persuasion and expectation that God will perform all that he has promised to us in Christ; and this persuasion is so strong that it gives the soul a kind of possession and present fruition of those things, gives them subsistence in the soul… 2. It is the evidence of things not seen. Faith demonstrates to the eye of the mind the reality of those things that cannot be discerned by the eye of the body. Faith is the firm assent of the soul to the divine revelation and every part of it…and so it is designed to serve the believer instead of sight, and to be to the soul all that the senses are to the body.”[2]

Anna Spafford expressed similar thinking when she told another survivor, “God gave me four daughters. Now they have been taken from me. Someday I will understand why.”[3] The fourth verse of ‘It is Well with My Soul” contains the hope that

For me, be it, Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

As a child, I knew Christ was real because I saw Him on more than one occasion. I knew His promises were also real and true. I heard His whisper, and that whisper brought peace to my soul. As an adult, the knowledge(faith) sustained me during the worst parts of my healing journey. One of the lessons I teach to those I counsel recognizes God’s presence may not change your circumstance, but it will change you in the circumstance. I cannot explain all my internal experience because the experience is indescribable other than to say, “It is well, it is well with my soul.”

 

[1] https://www.staugustine.com/living/religion/2014-10-16/story-behind-song-it-well-my-soul

 

[2] https://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/matthew-henry-complete/hebrews/11.html

 

[3] https://www.staugustine.com/living/religion/2014-10-16/story-behind-song-it-well-my-soul

Related Posts

Angel in the Cellar

The Problem of Evil

The View from the Foot of the Bed

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

What Makes Someone a Good Parent?

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance.

We can learn more about why God allows hurt, suffering and how He guides us by first looking at the elements of proper parental guidance. The first element, nonintrusive monitoring, allows the child some element of freedom to explore their environment. For example, baby monitors allow the child freedom to experiment with language, to explore the crib or playpen without the physical presence of the parent. As the child grows, the parent may allow the child to play in the backyard while watching from the kitchen window.  The observing parent watches with readiness to intervene if the child wanders outside the boundaries of the yard.  The child may occasionally look at the kitchen window for reassurance of the parent’s oversight of their activities, but perhaps only when they attempt to move outside the limits set by the parent. According to the Johnson study, the early interactions between parent and child regarding monitoring often predict the degree of self-disclosure by the child during adolescence. The study found that “parental knowledge of a child’s whereabouts was largely based on child-self disclosure stating that “a warm parent-child relationship was associated with increased child self-disclosure.”[1]

Be Flexible

Secondly, a flexible discipline that changes with the developmental level of the child promotes confidence and independence.  In Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline and Jim Fay assert, “as children grow, they move from being concrete thinkers to being abstract thinkers when they are teens. Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits.”[2] Implementing age-appropriate natural and logical consequences at each developmental stage while “encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control.”[3]  Gradually, as the child develops, the effective parent offers the child age and developmentally appropriate choices rather than just demanding a particular behavior, so that in their teen years the child makes good decisions. Referring to the toddler in the backyard, a parent may give the toddler the choice of playing in the playpen or on the back porch outside the playpen.  The parent tells the child the consequences of leaving the porch, such as coming inside or going back to the playpen, but the choice remains with the child.  Of course, the parent must follow through with the stated consequence or the child learns nothing about the consequences of poor choices.  The pattern of offering options and allowing the natural or logical consequences continues as the child grows, but the choices become more complex with less input from the parent. As Cline and Fay argue, “They become advisors and counselors more than police officers, allowing their adolescents to make more decisions for themselves, and then guide them to navigate the consequences of those decisions successfully.”[4]

 Avoid Overprotection

Thirdly, avoiding overprotection while controlling the environment to promote the child’s safety teaches a child how to face challenges while also showing them the consequences of rebellious behavior. While some parents believe protection equates to never allowing their child to experience harm or pain, Cline and Fay argue that “Caring for our children does not equate to protecting them from every possible misstep they could make in growing up.”[5]  The limits or boundaries set by a parent should decrease as the child matures. The toddler in the backyard needs more limits than the teenager riding their bicycle around the neighborhood.   When parents put appropriate limits or boundaries in place, the parent communicates the expectation of staying within those limits. However, no matter what limits the parents creates the child may climb over a fence, but not without confronting the “serious effort of the parent at placing an obstacle in harm’s way.”[6] The goal of boundaries is protecting the child, making the task of getting into trouble more difficult.

Allow for Independence and Promote Moral Development

Finally, by allowing for independence and promoting moral development, parents direct the child toward productive lives and teach their children how to turn negative situations around for good.  As Cline and Fay remark, “When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders too often become unenforceable.”[7]  The parent may intervene when the toddler finds a way over the fence and gets into the street by scooping the child up before a car strikes him, but an adolescent who breaks the law may need to go to jail to learn the consequences of stealing the neighbor’s car.  However, according to Cline and Fay, parents should step in when:

Our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime.

When our children know they are in a situation, they can’t handle by themselves. More important, perhaps, is that they know we also know they can’t handle it. So when we step in and help them out — saying in essence, “You are incapable of coping with this situation” — it is not a destructive message because everyone is aware of the child’s inability to handle the situation.[8]

Three ineffective parenting styles:

In contrast to effective parental guidance, Cline and Fay briefly address three ineffective parenting styles: The Helicopter Parent, The Laissez-Faire Parent, and the Drill Sergeant Parent.[9]  The Helicopter Parent desires to create the perfect world for their child devoid of sorrow, consequences, and rejection.  The Helicopter parent swoops “down like jet-powered AH-64 Apache attack helicopters on any person or agency they see as a threat to their child’s impeccable credentials. Armed with verbal smart bombs, they are quick to blast away at anyone who sets high standards for behavior, morality, or achievement.”[10]  The Laissez-Faire Parent, for often unknown reasons, allows the child to parent themselves with little or no guidance from the parent. As Cline and Fay point out, “some have bought into the theory that children are innately born with the ability to govern themselves.”[11] However, they contend that Laissez-Faire parents are not really parenting, but refusing to accept parental responsibility.[12] Finally, the Drill Sergeant Parent controls the child through barking orders and demanding compliance.  Rarely does the Drill Sergeant allow the child to participate in decision making.  All three styles have detrimental effects on children, which carry over into adulthood, resulting in children who either feel entitled, have low self-esteem, have little trust or respect for authority and who do not know how to make good decisions.

Next: What does the Bible tell us about proper parental guidance?

Related Posts:

Is God a Good Parent?-Why Did He Let this Happen?

Is God a Good Parent? Part 3-What Does the Bible Tell Us About Parenting?

Is God a Good Parent Part 4-Does God’s parental guidance follow the guidelines of good parental guidance?

[1]Brian D. Johnson, Laurie D. Berdahl, Melissa Horne, Emily A. Richter, and Meag-gan Walters., “A Parenting Competency Model.” Parenting: Science & Practice 14, no. 2 (CINAHL Plus with Full Text, EBSCOhost: 2014), 92-120 29p. Accessed June 13, 2016.

[2] Foster Cline; Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility (NavPress Publishing. Kindle Edition: 2014-02-01), Kindle Locations 356-357.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid., Kindle Locations 364-366.

[5] Ibid., Kindle Locations 463-464.

[6]Thomas C. Oden, Classic Christianity, A Systematic Theology (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 159.

[7] Cline, Fay Kindle Locations 673-674.

[8] Ibid., Kindle Locations 856-860.

[9] Ibid., Kindle Location 314.

[10] Ibid., Kindle Locations 303-305.

[11] Ibid., Kindle Locations 338-339.

[12] Ibid., Kindle Locations 345-346.

A Letter to Heaven

My husband,John, helped me resolve the distorted view of love my parents created through abuse. I felt loved for who I am, not what I could offer him.  I decided that posting my latest letter to heaven I might help someone realize there is hope even amid tragedy.

Every day at noon my husband, John, and I communicated via text messages.  The conversations always began with “how u be?” While the discussions lasted only a few minutes, they were our unique way of sharing our day with each other.  The conversations varied from short words of affection to venting frustrations.  John’s texts grounded me, made me laugh or sometimes the text messages helped us resolve a conflict or misunderstanding.   While John was a man of few words, his well-chosen text messages conveyed affection, support, and love each day at noon.

On August 23, 2013, that changed forever when John passed away in his sleep.  Ten days earlier, John, suffered a major heart attack which severely damaged his heart. There were no more text messages, emails or other electronic communication that had become such an intricate part of our life together.  Since his death, I periodically write letters to him, not because I expect an answer or that I think he reads them. I write the letters because through the short notes I feel connected to him. The letters have also been a way for me to document my grief journey.

John helped me resolve the distorted view of love my parents created through abuse. I felt loved for who I am, not what I could offer him.  I decided that posting my latest letter to heaven I might help someone realize there is hope even amid tragedy.

A Letter to Heaven

My love,

I haven’t written to you for a very long time. I sometimes feel silly that I even think about writing a letter to you. I know that you do not see me or hear me, but somehow writing a letter now and then brings me peace. Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of the heart attack that eventually took you from me. Five years seems like forever, but today it seems like yesterday. My mind races back to the day with so many questions that I cannot count them all. “Why didn’t you call 911 when you knew something was wrong? Why didn’t you tell me the minute I walked in from work that you thought you were having a heart attack?” These and so many more questions haunt me on this anniversary. There are no answers, but the questions remain.

You Would be Proud

I do want to let you know that I am happy, well content anyway. I don’t miss you every day anymore. I miss you when I watch the Texas Rangers play. I don’t cry at the thought of you not being here to watch the game with me. The things that once caused tears to flow now bring a smile to my face. I now enjoy the memories of our life together, but I get sad sometimes when I think of the things you are missing.

Angel graduated from high school in May and just moved into the college dorm. She is all grown up, my love, and you would be so proud of the young woman our granddaughter has become. Korine is teaching High School English and just received a Master’s in Apologetics. Isaac has a girlfriend!

Grief Observed

I have learned something this week, my love. Rationally, I know that you are happy, content and enjoying the company of God. I know that to wish you were still in my life is a selfish thought because you are where you are supposed to be. However, I finally understand in my heart that to want to bring you back is unfair to you. C. S. Lewis reflects in A Grief Observed, “I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again?”[1] Those words seemed harsh when I read them two years ago. Now, they ring true. I would not wish such sorrow on you. I can’t restore the past.

I miss you, my love, but I realize that our life together would have been so different because of the changes in your health. You were not a good patient, my love. You often got impatient when your body did not allow you to do what you loved. After the heart attack, your activity level changed. Of course, I don’t know how much progress you might have made over time because you died before the first follow up with your doctor.

Moving On

My love, for the first time since you died, I am not overwhelmed with tears as the anniversary of your death approaches. I am reflective, but not sad. I’ve always understood that grief is not an event, but a journey. Lewis describes it best, “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”[2] I think I have rounded a new bend that reveals newness, peace, and contentment that I have not experienced for a very long time.

I look forward to the day when we meet again, but I no longer yearn for the memories of our life together. Remembering you now brings a soft smile to my lips.

All My Love,

Me

[1] C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (London: CrossReach Publications, 2016), 25.

[2]Ibid, 45.

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Sonnet IV. The Truth Revealed

Painting Pictures of Egypt

leaving the security of familiar coping mechanisms is terrifying. Especially when nothing seems to ease the fear and pain like what I knew. When the “new life” became difficult or not what I expected, I wanted to return to the comfortable. I wanted what was comfortable even though it was dangerous and painful.

As I reflect on my healing from childhood abuse and my recovery from sexual and food addiction, I am reminded of a song by Sara Groves entitled “Painting pictures of Egypt.” I always liked that song because it illustrates how hard it is to move forward from a place that is comfortable.  Even when the comfort is painful or unhealthy, moving forward is very hard. Leaving the security of familiar coping mechanisms is terrifying. Especially when nothing seems to ease the fear and pain like what I knew. When the “new life” became difficult or not what I expected, I wanted to return to the comfortable. I wanted what was comfortable even though it was dangerous and painful. “I was dying for some freedom/But … I hesitated to go. /I was caught to between the Promise/And the thing I [knew].”[1] I was often like the Israelites who constantly complained and rebelled even though God had delivered them from slavery.

They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt?” Exodus 14:11

“the place they used to fit me/[Could not] hold the things I’d learned.”

I remember times memories flooded me and I forgot the strength of the woman I had become. I became the frightened child curled up in the corner wishing I could magically teleport to somewhere, anywhere that was not my parent’s home. I convinced myself that I could hold on to the “what if’s,” that “it wasn’t so bad.” and the “let me tell you about…”I told myself so many times, “I’ll get it right this time, but let me just stay here for a little while.” “I’m not ready to leave this yet.” Sometimes I took baby steps out of Egypt. Sometimes I took giant leaps. Each time, I would forget the downside of dissociation, promiscuity or overeating because “the future [felt] so hard/And I [wanted] to go back.”[2] But as Groves writes, “the place they used to fit me/[Could not] hold the things I’d learned.”[3]

I felt the old patterns, “calling out to me/Like a long-lost friend.

I wasn’t comfortable in my new life, but returning to my old habits wasn’t an option because “Those roads were closed off to me/While my back was turned.”[4] I longed to escape reality even though dissociation was frightening to my adult self, mentally disappearing brought momentary relief to my ravaged soul. I tried to revisit the past because as Groves writes, “The past is so tangible. /I know it by heart. /Familiar things are never easy/To discard.”[5] Letting go of addictive behaviors and temporary mental escapes that kept me sane for so long was excruciatingly painful. I held on for my life. I knew there was something better because I experienced it in moments of sanity and clarity. Groves words rang true to me so many times during those early years of recovery and healing, “I don’t want to leave here/ I don’t want to stay/ It feels like pinching to me/Either way.”[6] I felt the old patterns, “calling out to me/Like a long-lost friend.”[7]

Wanting to return to old patterns wasn’t about “losing faith…or about trust/It [was] all about comfort.” My addictive behaviors were comfortable. They weren’t perfect, but they were comfortable. I depended on them for my life, or at least I thought I could not live without them. Then I learned I could live without them and I learned new healthy ways of managing anxiety and stress. Memories did not send me into a spiral of irrational thought.

no longer caught between the Promise and the things I know.

After years of work I realize, “I am no longer caught between the Promise and the things I know.”[8] Groves ends the song with “If it comes to quick/ I may not appreciate it. /Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?”[9] I firmly believe there is no quick fix for healing or recovery. While I believe in miracles, I also believe sometimes the journey is the most important part of healing. A quick fix might rob you of the ability to appreciate the change in your soul. However, change requires taking the first step out of Egypt. Waiting too long might cement the habit or thought pattern and makes it harder to leave it behind when you walk toward your Promise.

Leave Egypt once and for all

To move forward, we must take a close look at what we are holding onto.  What is keeping us stuck? When we keep one foot in Egypt as we look toward our “promised land,” we hinder our ability to move forward.   Through Christ, you have freedom. In Christ, you can move forward. We can leave Egypt and not be trapped by, “Painting pictures…leaving out what it lacked.”

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[1] Sara Groves, Painting Pictures of Egypt lyrics © Music Services, Inc

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Ibid.

[8] Ibid.

[9] Ibid.

Winning the Battle

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years.

My initial reason for starting a blog was to tell my story. When I began I had a general notion of the impact the blog would have on me, but I realized a few days ago that telling my story brings up emotions and memories that I have not dealt with in years. A couple of weeks ago, my daughter, Korine, asked me a question about something I plan to share in the next few weeks. The question was innocent but answering it triggered a brief visceral response. The response startled me. While such responses were common in the early years of my healing from PTSD, I have not experienced a bodily response in years. The feeling of ice coursing down my esophagus to my stomach frightened me for a second, but the sensation disappeared almost as quickly as it began. Korine reminded me that I should probably get used to the reaction. “People will ask questions,” she warned, “So you need to be ready for triggers.” Her words reminded me how quickly unexpected triggers can derail my inner peace.

Triggers come in all shapes, smells, and sounds.

At the height of my dysfunction, triggers surrounded me 24/7. Some days it was difficult to breathe for fear a new trigger was just around the corner. I reacted instead of acting. I lived in constant fear that I would not survive the next triggered episode. For several years everything in my life seemed to trigger dissociative episodes where I regressed and became the little girl who was abused every day. Experiencing a trigger feels like something sharp pierces my soul and disrupts the core of my being, like a dart hitting a dartboard. Sometimes the darts catch me by surprise. When that happens it takes me a few minutes to regroup and get grounded. In the past, I rarely felt grounded. The sensation lasted days, sometimes weeks. I felt bombarded by fiery darts and had no way to stop them. I lived in constant fear that one of those darts would kill me. The experience far exceeded emotional reaction to the trigger. I felt under siege by spiritual forces that I could not see.  While identifying potential triggers is essential to healing, understanding the spiritual component of the battle is also essential.

We Have the Protection We Need to Stop the Fiery Darts

As I worked through the emotional and spiritual damage of childhood abuse, I realized that in Ephesians 6:10-18, Paul provides a plan for combating the triggers (fiery darts) that distracted me from God’s plan for me. Paul writes:

             10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. [1]

Daily Preparation

While I do not think every bad thing that happens to me is a spiritual attack, I do think that I am better prepared to face the day when I remember to put on the armor of God as outlined above. How do I do that? When I feel attacked by a trigger, I recall Paul’s counsel, “In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one.” I imagine holding a shield that is soaked with water so that the flames of the darts are extinguished before they reach my heart. When a trigger causes me to regress to the hurting and frightened child, I recall, “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” I say a scripture such as “I am a child of God and the evil one cannot touch me.” I imagine a sword slashing through the image of the frightened child. Triggers lose their power when I use the protection provided by the armor of God.

However, thinking about the armor in ancient military terms is not always beneficial. A few years ago I decided to try something new. I decided to make the armor relevant to my daily routine. As I thought about my morning routine I selected an activity that matched each piece of armor. For example, brushing my hair represents putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I do not do this every day, but I notice the difference when I do.  The armor represents the protection that God provides to all believers, but we must take it up and put it on before it is effective. The armor is only part of the solution for stopping triggers or minimizing the impact of triggers that catch me off guard. However, I find that remembering the armor helps me when an unexpected darts are hurled at me. I no longer live in fear of triggers. Instead, I am prepared to stand firm because I have my shield ready to extinguish the darts that come my way.

Challenge:

At least one day this week, think about the armor when you get ready for your day and proactively associate the armor with your routine. How do think putting on the armor might help you combat triggers?

[1] Ephesians 6:10-18, ESV

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